I don't ask for much. Just a little understanding.
Just a little idea, of what I'm going through, constantly, too. Just a little realization of what goes on in my head, and what I've been living like.
Just a little realization, that I am actually very lonely on the inside, I just don't like to show it.
A little actualization, of what I do, and why I do it. Just someone that can actually understand my actions, without me having to justify them. Realize that I don't want to hurt people, or do anything wrong, and that I don't.
I just hate being misunderstood. And it's ironic it happens ever so often.
I just hate having to talk about my feelings. I wish people could read my mind instead.
I just hate being lonely.
But I'm sure now, more than ever, that I'm going to die a very lonely man. That's just how it's meant to/going to happen. Watch...
Thank you, though. At least I give people something to talk about.
If I could fly, I'd wander off so far from everyone and everything. It's the absence of light, that makes people realize how much they hate the darkness. Maybe that would work.
Or maybe not. I don't know.
I wonder what's at the other end of the tunnel. I don't believe in heaven and hell anymore, maybe it's just the end of existence. And that scares me. Having no thoughts, no soul. It scares me.
Makes me wonder why we're bothering .. why we're ... I don't know .. and it doesn't really matter.
If I weren't this cynical, I wouldn't have 9 followers.
If I'm not sad all the time with my blogging persona, no one would come and read.
And if I don't wear a happy mask in real life, no one would bother with me.
I'm stuck in between death and purgatory.
And it's sad.
Jul 27, 2009
!@#$%^&*()_+-=
In such a weird, depressed, angry, mood, I don't even get it.
And I don't know what to do about it.
Plus, I don't have anyone to talk to about it.
Plus, I feel like I'm the most misunderstood person on earth right now.
And everything is so wonderful.
And I don't know what to do about it.
Plus, I don't have anyone to talk to about it.
Plus, I feel like I'm the most misunderstood person on earth right now.
And everything is so wonderful.
Jul 26, 2009
I love womankind.
I'll probably never get womankind. Or understand any female.
Other than my mother.
Womankind. God's punishment for men, or just plain torture? Probably the latter, as far as I have seen.
And God couldn't have picked out a straighter bone from ol' Adam's body. It had to be the rib. One of the crooked ones. The bone that could never be straightened, and would only end up breaking if you tried straightening it out.
*sigh*
Womankind. My money is with Jerry Seinfeld, when he says the only thing going on in the female brain is new ideas about how to manipulate men. It's probably true, why else are woman on earth?
They were once rumored to be good cooks. But let's face it, the world's best chefs are actually all men.
And what is up with feminists? Seriously. With their short hair and what not most of the time, it's clear something is so wrong with them.
Equal rights for men and women, eh? Isn't this the 21st century. Why do we still have feminists? If they need something else to do, the cooking and cleaning department could use a hand. Someone send that to the National Organization for Woman.
God, womankind, what do you want from us?
I mean it's clear you're all I think about. You're driving me insane here. I'm trying to figure out what you want, and why you're here on earth with us, but it's not coming to me. A lot of men have been trying to figure it out, but they haven't been successful either. And God has a way of keeping you guessing whether he's there or not, all the time, so asking him isn't working either.
Plus, we know we've come a long way from the days of Adam, and with the probable hoax of evolution and what not going around, we've grown smarter. But so have you, manipulating sirens and vixens from the Garden of Eden. The fruits have all changed, but they're still there, and they're still forbidden. The only thing different is, there might or might not be a snake in the grass anymore. But it's all the same thing, really. For history repeats itself, yes? Then, for as long as there are Sons of Adam, Eves all over the world will keep screwing them over.
And it's not helping MANkind, the fact that we're outnumbered 1 to 4. That number will probably keep growing, woman care to stick out for each other. Man has this other problem, it's called an Ego. We can't help it, we really can't. We were born with it, probably got it from our own dads. But woman, man, woman are organized. So damn organized, they could jump the Russian mafia, and scare the shit out of Vladimir, or Boris, or whoever it is working that night. Boris, the cold blooded hitman, that likes the smell of blood. Or Vladimir, the man who likes to stare you straight in the eyes, before shooting you right in between them. Vladimir and Boris are probably scared of woman, deep down inside, too.
Woman are so organized. They probably plan in advance for their own marriage, their future children's marriages, their grandchildren's names, and where they'll be living while all this is happening. I just haven't gotten my hands on the documented proof and blue prints yet. But soon.
But I love my mom, man. There can't be anyone like her. The only reason she's ever lied to me, was for my own good. Something woman rarely do. Not the lying, lying isn't rare to them. I meant 'doing things for someone else's good'. That's the rare part.
Oh, and don't get offended, womankind. I haven't taken any names, right? So assume, that I'm not talking about you. If you aren't like how I just described above, because believe me, I wasn't being vague or anything, to talk about as many woman as I could, no. I was actually pin pointing female traits, because there do exist woman exactly as I just described. And if you aren't like that, then please don't complain and be glad you weren't mentioned.
But if you ARE somehow a kind and loving female, that doesn't intend to torture men, marry me, would you?
But then It'd probably drive me crazy to understand whether you are real or not. Whether it's me, or everyone else that's crazy.
If it turns out to be just me, though, that would just explain a lot.
Other than my mother.
Womankind. God's punishment for men, or just plain torture? Probably the latter, as far as I have seen.
And God couldn't have picked out a straighter bone from ol' Adam's body. It had to be the rib. One of the crooked ones. The bone that could never be straightened, and would only end up breaking if you tried straightening it out.
*sigh*
Womankind. My money is with Jerry Seinfeld, when he says the only thing going on in the female brain is new ideas about how to manipulate men. It's probably true, why else are woman on earth?
They were once rumored to be good cooks. But let's face it, the world's best chefs are actually all men.
And what is up with feminists? Seriously. With their short hair and what not most of the time, it's clear something is so wrong with them.
Equal rights for men and women, eh? Isn't this the 21st century. Why do we still have feminists? If they need something else to do, the cooking and cleaning department could use a hand. Someone send that to the National Organization for Woman.
God, womankind, what do you want from us?
I mean it's clear you're all I think about. You're driving me insane here. I'm trying to figure out what you want, and why you're here on earth with us, but it's not coming to me. A lot of men have been trying to figure it out, but they haven't been successful either. And God has a way of keeping you guessing whether he's there or not, all the time, so asking him isn't working either.
Plus, we know we've come a long way from the days of Adam, and with the probable hoax of evolution and what not going around, we've grown smarter. But so have you, manipulating sirens and vixens from the Garden of Eden. The fruits have all changed, but they're still there, and they're still forbidden. The only thing different is, there might or might not be a snake in the grass anymore. But it's all the same thing, really. For history repeats itself, yes? Then, for as long as there are Sons of Adam, Eves all over the world will keep screwing them over.
And it's not helping MANkind, the fact that we're outnumbered 1 to 4. That number will probably keep growing, woman care to stick out for each other. Man has this other problem, it's called an Ego. We can't help it, we really can't. We were born with it, probably got it from our own dads. But woman, man, woman are organized. So damn organized, they could jump the Russian mafia, and scare the shit out of Vladimir, or Boris, or whoever it is working that night. Boris, the cold blooded hitman, that likes the smell of blood. Or Vladimir, the man who likes to stare you straight in the eyes, before shooting you right in between them. Vladimir and Boris are probably scared of woman, deep down inside, too.
Woman are so organized. They probably plan in advance for their own marriage, their future children's marriages, their grandchildren's names, and where they'll be living while all this is happening. I just haven't gotten my hands on the documented proof and blue prints yet. But soon.
But I love my mom, man. There can't be anyone like her. The only reason she's ever lied to me, was for my own good. Something woman rarely do. Not the lying, lying isn't rare to them. I meant 'doing things for someone else's good'. That's the rare part.
Oh, and don't get offended, womankind. I haven't taken any names, right? So assume, that I'm not talking about you. If you aren't like how I just described above, because believe me, I wasn't being vague or anything, to talk about as many woman as I could, no. I was actually pin pointing female traits, because there do exist woman exactly as I just described. And if you aren't like that, then please don't complain and be glad you weren't mentioned.
But if you ARE somehow a kind and loving female, that doesn't intend to torture men, marry me, would you?
But then It'd probably drive me crazy to understand whether you are real or not. Whether it's me, or everyone else that's crazy.
If it turns out to be just me, though, that would just explain a lot.
Jul 24, 2009
Laugh with me, then.
It's funny how people just see the book cover and not what's really inside.
It's funny how people only see the mask, and not the face wearing it.
It's funny how people take to what they see, hear, and feel to be real, and don't bother after that point.
It's funny how the book cover is strapped on to the book so tight.
It's funny how masks become really hard to take off after a while.
It's funny, the measures people end up taking, to be anything but lonely.
It's funny how it can be so sad.
It's funny how people only see the mask, and not the face wearing it.
It's funny how people take to what they see, hear, and feel to be real, and don't bother after that point.
It's funny how the book cover is strapped on to the book so tight.
It's funny how masks become really hard to take off after a while.
It's funny, the measures people end up taking, to be anything but lonely.
It's funny how it can be so sad.
Danish's Guide to (this side of) the galaxy.
I'm shit tired as I type this, I still haven't done that whole "200 posts, woohoo!" thing, chronic procrastinator that I am, *sigh*.
But! I want to brag about the fact, that I have already gotten two people to take up podcasting!
So, the stats read: Got 8 people to take up blogging, and 2 to take up podcasting. Woot!
Anywho, credit to Rija who got me to podcast in the first place ^_^. I wish I could share this glory with her =( ... soon, hopefully.
I'm addicted to this Deep Purple song Sam introduced me to a while ago, called Hush. Trippy stuff, indeed.
Aah, I'm sipping on this huge glass of pepsi, while me mommy has tea on the stove for me. I lovez tea. It be wunnderful.
I got these two books, one's the infamous Douglas Adams classic, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Dagda told me to pick it up, and even though his real name is Hammad, and was only Dagda ONCE on msn, I still prefer calling him that. Hmm.
The other one is this philosophical book with a pink cover, called Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder. If you haven't heard of it, wiki or google it already. And guess what, first I got looks for holding a pink book, right. Then the sales person, who actually read it himself, tells me how good it is, but also adds that, quote; "... Although, I have to say, I've seen mostly females pick that book up ..."
But see, here's the deal, which I also explained to the sales person. If you look at the numbers of people that come to the bookstore itself and buy books, gender wise, don't be surprised when you see more Females buying books than Males. How is it not just understandable and logical that more females buy ANY book then? And all of a sudden, the guy's eyes lit up with agreement. "Oh, yes, definitely, yeah."
Yeah, jackass, all points turn pointless with my logic. I didn't even know if what I had just said was any true, but if the sales person himself agrees, then it must be, right? Sheer luck? No, I figured the sales person wouldn't probably know himself. I got him to buy it. Heh, sold the sales person something. Ain't I wunnnderful. And full of myself.
It's just sad though. Guys not liking books. Specially how people's answers to questions like "fav. books" on social networking websites are plain idiotic. Doesn't really make any difference to me, see. With my understanding of it, God only made stupid people, to make life all the easier for people that actually use their brains. Like me, for instance. So as long as there are stupid people, I have all the chances in the world to hit success.
Oh, and philosophy FTW. Finish.
But! I want to brag about the fact, that I have already gotten two people to take up podcasting!
So, the stats read: Got 8 people to take up blogging, and 2 to take up podcasting. Woot!
Anywho, credit to Rija who got me to podcast in the first place ^_^. I wish I could share this glory with her =( ... soon, hopefully.
I'm addicted to this Deep Purple song Sam introduced me to a while ago, called Hush. Trippy stuff, indeed.
Aah, I'm sipping on this huge glass of pepsi, while me mommy has tea on the stove for me. I lovez tea. It be wunnderful.
I got these two books, one's the infamous Douglas Adams classic, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Dagda told me to pick it up, and even though his real name is Hammad, and was only Dagda ONCE on msn, I still prefer calling him that. Hmm.
The other one is this philosophical book with a pink cover, called Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder. If you haven't heard of it, wiki or google it already. And guess what, first I got looks for holding a pink book, right. Then the sales person, who actually read it himself, tells me how good it is, but also adds that, quote; "... Although, I have to say, I've seen mostly females pick that book up ..."
But see, here's the deal, which I also explained to the sales person. If you look at the numbers of people that come to the bookstore itself and buy books, gender wise, don't be surprised when you see more Females buying books than Males. How is it not just understandable and logical that more females buy ANY book then? And all of a sudden, the guy's eyes lit up with agreement. "Oh, yes, definitely, yeah."
Yeah, jackass, all points turn pointless with my logic. I didn't even know if what I had just said was any true, but if the sales person himself agrees, then it must be, right? Sheer luck? No, I figured the sales person wouldn't probably know himself. I got him to buy it. Heh, sold the sales person something. Ain't I wunnnderful. And full of myself.
It's just sad though. Guys not liking books. Specially how people's answers to questions like "fav. books" on social networking websites are plain idiotic. Doesn't really make any difference to me, see. With my understanding of it, God only made stupid people, to make life all the easier for people that actually use their brains. Like me, for instance. So as long as there are stupid people, I have all the chances in the world to hit success.
Oh, and philosophy FTW. Finish.
Jul 23, 2009
2o1.
201th post. I thought I'd photoshop a new banner at least, or maybe make up a whole new blog theme + color scheme .. but blah. Maybe later. For the 202nd post. I make up the rules here, right?
Hmmm .. I can't fall asleep. I've been trying for around, 2 hours. The time reads to 11.12 AM. And I have to wake up, in like, 3 - 4 hours. *sigh*
I miss Elmo, I really did. Idiot that Elmo was. Grrrrr.
Aaah, I wish my schedule wasn't as messed up as it is. I wish I wasn't nocturnal. I wish I could fly. I wish so many things, it's funny. I wish I could decide between a Vaio and a XPS.
Materialistic bastard, aren't I? Well, so is 80% of the world. At least I'm not part of the flock, and own an iphone or a mac. Was thinking about getting a mac, yes. Then I remembered who I was and what I do. Stand out, and not fall for corporate bullshit and advertising tactics.
Macs are for graphic designers. Fuck that, ever hear of photoshop and after effects on windows? With 80% of the world's software developers working on software for Microsoft Windows and NOT Mac OSX, how the fuck can Windows NOT have graphic design software?
Reason why Microsoft never bothers making ADs to get back at the Macintosh's "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" ADs: Because Microsoft knows, that if a person is stupid enough to fall for those, they are better off with a Mac.
Jeez, I am brilliant.
Oh, and if I want a unique operating system, I'd rather run Linux.
*e-mails Microsoft his resume and this blog post*
Fin.
Hmmm .. I can't fall asleep. I've been trying for around, 2 hours. The time reads to 11.12 AM. And I have to wake up, in like, 3 - 4 hours. *sigh*
I miss Elmo, I really did. Idiot that Elmo was. Grrrrr.
Aaah, I wish my schedule wasn't as messed up as it is. I wish I wasn't nocturnal. I wish I could fly. I wish so many things, it's funny. I wish I could decide between a Vaio and a XPS.
Materialistic bastard, aren't I? Well, so is 80% of the world. At least I'm not part of the flock, and own an iphone or a mac. Was thinking about getting a mac, yes. Then I remembered who I was and what I do. Stand out, and not fall for corporate bullshit and advertising tactics.
Macs are for graphic designers. Fuck that, ever hear of photoshop and after effects on windows? With 80% of the world's software developers working on software for Microsoft Windows and NOT Mac OSX, how the fuck can Windows NOT have graphic design software?
Reason why Microsoft never bothers making ADs to get back at the Macintosh's "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC" ADs: Because Microsoft knows, that if a person is stupid enough to fall for those, they are better off with a Mac.
Jeez, I am brilliant.
Oh, and if I want a unique operating system, I'd rather run Linux.
*e-mails Microsoft his resume and this blog post*
Fin.
Jul 20, 2009
200th Post.
Elmo has left the country, and I'm sad. Left me a really big surprise, which made me go =o hawww but then something even sadder happened.
See, my laptop was being a total bitch, crashing and just slowing down and what not. And GOD, I hate that. So I picked it up and slammed it down real hard. Now, I realized even then, that doing so would not actually fix anything, but I just didn't care, so please stop judging me in your heads, with things like 'oh, that is so stupid.' I know it is so stupid, I just felt like being stupid, kthx.
Anywho, the operating system just crashed, nothing worked, so I manual-restarted the system. Bad, move.
Apparently, my primary master hard disk harboring Windows XP has been fried, the file system has gone awry, and the Boot.ini file is not accessible. On top of that, chkdsk can't do shit. Forget /r and /p command line additions.
The boot file just isn't accessible =/ and won't even be replaced. Proper Fucked royally, sideways, the works.
Didn't get what I said? My computer won't start, and I'm going to lose all my data.
Because the only way to make it work (hopefully) is to re-format and reinstall Windows from scratch. And I'm not even sure if that'll work.
But someone has taught me something important right before leaving. It's called Optimism.
So what do I do? Simply put my finger on the next laptop I want and then buy it.
So, things on my list to buy: New laptop, a camera, and a new cell phone.
That's optimism for me.
Oh, and by the way. 200th Post!! Big whoop.
See, my laptop was being a total bitch, crashing and just slowing down and what not. And GOD, I hate that. So I picked it up and slammed it down real hard. Now, I realized even then, that doing so would not actually fix anything, but I just didn't care, so please stop judging me in your heads, with things like 'oh, that is so stupid.' I know it is so stupid, I just felt like being stupid, kthx.
Anywho, the operating system just crashed, nothing worked, so I manual-restarted the system. Bad, move.
Apparently, my primary master hard disk harboring Windows XP has been fried, the file system has gone awry, and the Boot.ini file is not accessible. On top of that, chkdsk can't do shit. Forget /r and /p command line additions.
The boot file just isn't accessible =/ and won't even be replaced. Proper Fucked royally, sideways, the works.
Didn't get what I said? My computer won't start, and I'm going to lose all my data.
Because the only way to make it work (hopefully) is to re-format and reinstall Windows from scratch. And I'm not even sure if that'll work.
But someone has taught me something important right before leaving. It's called Optimism.
So what do I do? Simply put my finger on the next laptop I want and then buy it.
So, things on my list to buy: New laptop, a camera, and a new cell phone.
That's optimism for me.
Oh, and by the way. 200th Post!! Big whoop.
Jul 19, 2009
Pikchurz R Preddy
And now, I will take a bow.
I've been blogging for more than 5 years, with no one reading. And after not giving up, and so many years, I now have 9 followers.
Lead and they will follow, I read some place. Interestingly, all I've learnt is from other people's writings. Maybe that's what draws me to writing so much. So much, that I'm taking English 102 and Creative Writing when I go back to Philludelpheya. And spell checker didn't underline that voluntarily mispelt word. It did underline mispelt though. Oh, it's 'spelt' misspelled. Whoops.
What I said about the Philadelphia (not taking risks with spell checker embarrassing me, anymore) picture thingy .. Ugh, thingy is not in the dictionary? Jesus.
Anywho. Here's are samples of what I was talking about in the previous post;
And also, I'm attaching this picture from the Lamb of God concert I got to see a few months ago. Just because it is so amazing.
All Images Protected Under Copyrights!
Hehe.
I've been blogging for more than 5 years, with no one reading. And after not giving up, and so many years, I now have 9 followers.
Lead and they will follow, I read some place. Interestingly, all I've learnt is from other people's writings. Maybe that's what draws me to writing so much. So much, that I'm taking English 102 and Creative Writing when I go back to Philludelpheya. And spell checker didn't underline that voluntarily mispelt word. It did underline mispelt though. Oh, it's 'spelt' misspelled. Whoops.
What I said about the Philadelphia (not taking risks with spell checker embarrassing me, anymore) picture thingy .. Ugh, thingy is not in the dictionary? Jesus.
Anywho. Here's are samples of what I was talking about in the previous post;
And also, I'm attaching this picture from the Lamb of God concert I got to see a few months ago. Just because it is so amazing.
All Images Protected Under Copyrights!
Hehe.
Jul 17, 2009
CONVERSE-ation.
Daaa, na na naaaa, na na naaaa, na na naaa ... (SWAT theme. YouTube it.)
Ok, so. Rij said it'd be ok if I be completely random, so I'm going to do just that. Be completely random.
Did absolutely nothing today, haven't been doing absolutely anything for a while now, and it's getting on my own nerves now. Have photoshopped a bunch of pictures I took in Philadelphia, will put them up soon somewhere, thinking of Flickr. Not sure how it works though, want someplace I can create like an album or something, with some eye candy and what not. Ya' know?
So if you have any suggestions or whatever. Be kind and leave em. See, its kind of like this, magazine type thing I did, like a feature, covering Philadelphia and what not.. or not, actually, just my 6 month stay there. So maybe we'll see like a sequel when I go back. Or something.
Hey, wait! I've got a new complaint. Forever in debt to your priceless advice. Your advice.
She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak ...
I need to do a podcast! Need to do so many things and time is running by so fast. It's sad. Blah. =(
The Billie Jean's not my lover. She's just a girl, who says that I am the one. But, the kid is not my son.
She says I am The One.
And now, why this post is called Converse-ation.
Blah.
There you go, Elmo. ^_^
Ok, so. Rij said it'd be ok if I be completely random, so I'm going to do just that. Be completely random.
Did absolutely nothing today, haven't been doing absolutely anything for a while now, and it's getting on my own nerves now. Have photoshopped a bunch of pictures I took in Philadelphia, will put them up soon somewhere, thinking of Flickr. Not sure how it works though, want someplace I can create like an album or something, with some eye candy and what not. Ya' know?
So if you have any suggestions or whatever. Be kind and leave em. See, its kind of like this, magazine type thing I did, like a feature, covering Philadelphia and what not.. or not, actually, just my 6 month stay there. So maybe we'll see like a sequel when I go back. Or something.
Hey, wait! I've got a new complaint. Forever in debt to your priceless advice. Your advice.
She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak ...
I need to do a podcast! Need to do so many things and time is running by so fast. It's sad. Blah. =(
The Billie Jean's not my lover. She's just a girl, who says that I am the one. But, the kid is not my son.
She says I am The One.
And now, why this post is called Converse-ation.
Blah.
There you go, Elmo. ^_^
Jul 13, 2009
Just something that caught my fancy;
When your Gemini child finally grows up, lots of people will tell you disapprovingly that "he has too many fingers stuck in too many pies." You'll smile then, and they may be annoyed. But you'll be remembering one spring day when he was seven. He stuck his fingers in your chocolate pies, his father's shaving cream, the fish bowl, the garbage can, a pot of hot soup and an electric socket. You were furious. Later, at twilight, you watched him run around chasing lightning bugs in the grass. After a while, you sighed, and asked yourself aloud, "Why must he rush around so? Why must he get into everything? What in the world is he searching for?" He overheard you and it troubled him. You'll never forget the look in his bright, clear eyes when he answered. "Gee, Mommy ... I don't know. But don't you worry. I'll find it."
When your Gemini child finally grows up, lots of people will tell you disapprovingly that "he has too many fingers stuck in too many pies." You'll smile then, and they may be annoyed. But you'll be remembering one spring day when he was seven. He stuck his fingers in your chocolate pies, his father's shaving cream, the fish bowl, the garbage can, a pot of hot soup and an electric socket. You were furious. Later, at twilight, you watched him run around chasing lightning bugs in the grass. After a while, you sighed, and asked yourself aloud, "Why must he rush around so? Why must he get into everything? What in the world is he searching for?" He overheard you and it troubled him. You'll never forget the look in his bright, clear eyes when he answered. "Gee, Mommy ... I don't know. But don't you worry. I'll find it."
Jul 10, 2009
Masked
I walked inside the empty castle, as dark as it was, but I had a torch. The flame flickered, the light reflected against my face, but I wasn't sure what was there anymore.
I reached the first set of words engraved on the wall, as if it was left there for me.
“Clowns wear a face that's painted intentionally on them so they appear to be happy or sad. What kind of mask are you wearing today?”
- Anonymous
It felt as if I had read the words before, in a life I lived before this one. But the only difference was, I hadn't died in between.
“The play is done; the curtain drops,
Slow falling to the prompter's bell
A moment yet the actor stops
And looks around to say farewell.
It is an irksome word and task:
And when he's laughed and said his say,
He shows, as he removes the mask,
A face that's anything but gay.”
-William Makepeace Thackeray
After the curtain did fall, when I had played my part, I stepped back inside the real me.
Miserable, weak, and not alive anymore. But the only question without an answer is - why?
“He who wears a mask cannot see within himself.”
- Anonymous
I walked further along the empty castle, as dark as it was. I had a torch, and the light fell across my face, but I wasn't sure what was there anymore.
“Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem.”
- William Somerset Maugham
~~
"I've had people worry 'bout this mask before,
and what I've been wearing it for
but whenever I've let go off it, I've
found no one to recognize me anymore."
- Danish Arif
I reached the first set of words engraved on the wall, as if it was left there for me.
“Clowns wear a face that's painted intentionally on them so they appear to be happy or sad. What kind of mask are you wearing today?”
- Anonymous
It felt as if I had read the words before, in a life I lived before this one. But the only difference was, I hadn't died in between.
“The play is done; the curtain drops,
Slow falling to the prompter's bell
A moment yet the actor stops
And looks around to say farewell.
It is an irksome word and task:
And when he's laughed and said his say,
He shows, as he removes the mask,
A face that's anything but gay.”
-William Makepeace Thackeray
After the curtain did fall, when I had played my part, I stepped back inside the real me.
Miserable, weak, and not alive anymore. But the only question without an answer is - why?
“He who wears a mask cannot see within himself.”
- Anonymous
I walked further along the empty castle, as dark as it was. I had a torch, and the light fell across my face, but I wasn't sure what was there anymore.
“Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem.”
- William Somerset Maugham
~~
"I've had people worry 'bout this mask before,
and what I've been wearing it for
but whenever I've let go off it, I've
found no one to recognize me anymore."
- Danish Arif
Jul 9, 2009
If life were on tv...
Just woke up, and had really weird sleep .. my body hurts, so does my jaw. My skull doesn't, like yesterday. I have got to quit my routine. Going to sleep only when my body can't withstand staying up anymore. It can't be good for me.
So I look through twitter updates. Decide to add one of my own, for the world to witness. My mom sat down besides me a while ago, asking why I always turn on my laptop first thing after waking up. Why I can't spend a little more time with them instead. *sigh*.
Asked me if I could go to the hospital with them, my parents, today. Need to see a doctor who would take my tonsillitis out. Not looking forward to that.
Then she asked me if I could go to Chillies or Apple bees with them today. And before I answered, I tried thinking really hard to see when I'd get the time to have a little nicotine, so the whole fiasco becomes bearable for a while.
Then I realize how fucking sad that is, and how dependent I am on tobacco, that I can't even spend time with my parents without it.
To me, that is just fucked up. And don't get me wrong, it's fucked up on my part. But to fight my case; I wouldn't have realized it'd be this way, until I came this far. And now that I have, *sigh*, yes, I wish I didn't. But I wouldn't have realized it'd be this way, until I ...
Crack my knuckles, twist my neck around, ask mum for tea. Aah, a day in the life of me.
If that were a show, and I were watching it on tv, I'd probably turn it off after the first few minutes, because it'd just seem too cynical, depressing, and pessimistic.
So I look through twitter updates. Decide to add one of my own, for the world to witness. My mom sat down besides me a while ago, asking why I always turn on my laptop first thing after waking up. Why I can't spend a little more time with them instead. *sigh*.
Asked me if I could go to the hospital with them, my parents, today. Need to see a doctor who would take my tonsillitis out. Not looking forward to that.
Then she asked me if I could go to Chillies or Apple bees with them today. And before I answered, I tried thinking really hard to see when I'd get the time to have a little nicotine, so the whole fiasco becomes bearable for a while.
Then I realize how fucking sad that is, and how dependent I am on tobacco, that I can't even spend time with my parents without it.
To me, that is just fucked up. And don't get me wrong, it's fucked up on my part. But to fight my case; I wouldn't have realized it'd be this way, until I came this far. And now that I have, *sigh*, yes, I wish I didn't. But I wouldn't have realized it'd be this way, until I ...
Crack my knuckles, twist my neck around, ask mum for tea. Aah, a day in the life of me.
If that were a show, and I were watching it on tv, I'd probably turn it off after the first few minutes, because it'd just seem too cynical, depressing, and pessimistic.
Jul 8, 2009
Jul 6, 2009
Riot in my head.
::
Waking up pissed off every day can not be good for you, I assume.
I just woke up, say, roughly an hour ago. My head hurts, and I can't concentrate properly on things. It's the nicotine. Or actually the lack of it.
I want to start podcasting soon, but this being angry most of the time interferes with any serious productivity. Oh, thanks to Rija for pointing out podcasting. I know she's probably going to read this and then be like, *gasp, no mention of who introduced him to it, yada yada*
It's not even about being angry, I don't think this can be classified as that. This is just, being ticked off. Being irritated. Gahh. *fists clenched*
Has anyone seen Prison Break? Doesn't it seem like they keep the guy playing Michael Schofield - Wentworth Miller, away from cigarettes for like an hour before his shots? Because he seems nicotine deprived in every scene and take himself. Heh. Specially with the whispering and rubbing his forehead all the time. At least I only do that when I'm suffering from nicotine withdrawal. Oh well.
Plus, I think I might have a reason to be pissed off this time around, too. Yeah, because I've been working my ass of for something, but it all fell apart, and yeah, it's depressing, and fucked up. *sigh*
Anywho, more shit as it happens. Stay tuned.
Oh, and I got that title from the television blaring in the background. Apparently another riot in Karachi. Pity.
Waking up pissed off every day can not be good for you, I assume.
I just woke up, say, roughly an hour ago. My head hurts, and I can't concentrate properly on things. It's the nicotine. Or actually the lack of it.
I want to start podcasting soon, but this being angry most of the time interferes with any serious productivity. Oh, thanks to Rija for pointing out podcasting. I know she's probably going to read this and then be like, *gasp, no mention of who introduced him to it, yada yada*
It's not even about being angry, I don't think this can be classified as that. This is just, being ticked off. Being irritated. Gahh. *fists clenched*
Has anyone seen Prison Break? Doesn't it seem like they keep the guy playing Michael Schofield - Wentworth Miller, away from cigarettes for like an hour before his shots? Because he seems nicotine deprived in every scene and take himself. Heh. Specially with the whispering and rubbing his forehead all the time. At least I only do that when I'm suffering from nicotine withdrawal. Oh well.
Plus, I think I might have a reason to be pissed off this time around, too. Yeah, because I've been working my ass of for something, but it all fell apart, and yeah, it's depressing, and fucked up. *sigh*
Anywho, more shit as it happens. Stay tuned.
Oh, and I got that title from the television blaring in the background. Apparently another riot in Karachi. Pity.
Jul 5, 2009
"It could be worse."
::
Everything could be worse, with that point of view. But that's the thing.
I'm grateful it's not worse. I'm just sad, that it's as bad as it is.
::
"You know, it could be worse," she said.
Everything could be worse, with that point of view. But that's the thing.
I'm grateful it's not worse. I'm just sad, that it's as bad as it is.
::
I love making lists. Hehe.
I need to start sleeping and waking up on time. Seeeerious.
Nocturnal moron that I am, I end up sleeping at 12 in the afternoon, and waking up at 7-8 PM.
I've spent a month like that, and I only have a few more days in Riyadh. And I haven't gotten anything done!
Here's the list of things I need to do while I'm here:
1. Bug the sanity out of my parents. (Almost accomplished)
2. Learn how to cook! At least basic things, anyway.
3. Join a Gym. Get in shape. Anything other than looking anorexic, that is.
4. Gain some bloody weight. Anything other than looking anorexic, that is.
5. Learn how to drive already! Jeezaz.
6. Go to Jeddah!
7. Go to Bahrain!
8. Spend lots of time with my parents. (To bug the sanity out of them).
9. Make my Dad buy me a lot of things to satisfy my materialistic drive. A new laptop, a new cell phone, etc, etc.
And that's basically it. Not a lot, right?
Listening to: Climbing up the walls by Chris Cornell from Scream (2009)
Nocturnal moron that I am, I end up sleeping at 12 in the afternoon, and waking up at 7-8 PM.
I've spent a month like that, and I only have a few more days in Riyadh. And I haven't gotten anything done!
Here's the list of things I need to do while I'm here:
1. Bug the sanity out of my parents. (Almost accomplished)
2. Learn how to cook! At least basic things, anyway.
3. Join a Gym. Get in shape. Anything other than looking anorexic, that is.
4. Gain some bloody weight. Anything other than looking anorexic, that is.
5. Learn how to drive already! Jeezaz.
6. Go to Jeddah!
7. Go to Bahrain!
8. Spend lots of time with my parents. (To bug the sanity out of them).
9. Make my Dad buy me a lot of things to satisfy my materialistic drive. A new laptop, a new cell phone, etc, etc.
And that's basically it. Not a lot, right?
Listening to: Climbing up the walls by Chris Cornell from Scream (2009)
Jul 4, 2009
*sigh*
Just took a quiz on facebook.
As if I wasn't depressed already. Here's the result I got:
A Smokelike Person
You tend to hide your emotions. You are at a very low point in life. You almost seem to not want to go on anymore, to fade away into smoke, not exist. You feel alone in life. You feel as if nobody could ever understand you. But there is only one thing that you cling to in life: You want to belong, but you dont want to change. You want to be around people you want to have a reason to go on. You are sometimes envious of other people's seemingly perfect lives. If you want to have a seemingly perfect life, then you should start hanging around warm sunlike people, or friendly earthlike people, or tell your problems to an quiet listener moon person. And you always have a speck of hope inside of you. Even if you feel all hope is lost, hope is hard to fully kill. so nurture and try to see life through different eyes, and maybe it'll be a brighter world.
*sigh*
As if I wasn't depressed already. Here's the result I got:
A Smokelike Person
You tend to hide your emotions. You are at a very low point in life. You almost seem to not want to go on anymore, to fade away into smoke, not exist. You feel alone in life. You feel as if nobody could ever understand you. But there is only one thing that you cling to in life: You want to belong, but you dont want to change. You want to be around people you want to have a reason to go on. You are sometimes envious of other people's seemingly perfect lives. If you want to have a seemingly perfect life, then you should start hanging around warm sunlike people, or friendly earthlike people, or tell your problems to an quiet listener moon person. And you always have a speck of hope inside of you. Even if you feel all hope is lost, hope is hard to fully kill. so nurture and try to see life through different eyes, and maybe it'll be a brighter world.
*sigh*
Jul 3, 2009
Tea.
Just woke up, but I saw no dreams in my sleep, and I don't feel as cynical as I usually do. Just ... blah, though. For no reason, apparently. I need to go out or something.
My mum's handed me my daily cup o' tea, something I look forward to. My mom makes the best tea in the world, it's amazing.
That's it =)
My mum's handed me my daily cup o' tea, something I look forward to. My mom makes the best tea in the world, it's amazing.
That's it =)
Jul 2, 2009
capital f.
fuck this life, and every dream that you had. when shit's meant to happen, shit will just happen no matter what.
fuck motivation, and optimism. fuck capital letters after full stops, fuck using commas, at the ri,ght places. fuck corporate bullshit, with their rich getting richer and poor struggling to survive.
fuck alphabets. fuck slgnlnaseuiqa.
"It's always starving artist.
It's never starving art museum owner."
It's funny like that, but life has a way of ending early, everytime.
If you die in childhood, you don't get to witness puberty and growing up. See 'falling in love.'
If you die young, you don't get to experience the joys of marriage, having children, etc.
If you die a man, you don't get to experience the joys of wisdom, and the respect you're supposed to get when you're old.
If you die old, you die in regret, no matter what - because it's impossible not to feel regret, isn't it?
So either prepare yourselves for the upsets of your life, or stop regretting shit. Because shit would happen, even if earth stops spinning.
No one has figured out life, it's insane. Not until we're all unable to appreciate it anymore, ironic isn't it?
- Reaper says:
*man im tired of everyone talkng about how awesome michael jackson was
Danish A. says:
*yeah
*everyone just realized
- Reaper says:
*when they were the ones who sued him in the first place bhenchod.
Danish A. says:
*I know right
*and everyone
*including m
*me*
*was like
*heh, kiddie fucker.
^^ That's how fucked up we are, really.
Talk not ill of the dead. Where were you when the dead were alive? You had your chance to speak ill of them then, why'd you waste it?
Fuck.
JEEZ. I can't write anymore, forgive me.
fuck motivation, and optimism. fuck capital letters after full stops, fuck using commas, at the ri,ght places. fuck corporate bullshit, with their rich getting richer and poor struggling to survive.
fuck alphabets. fuck slgnlnaseuiqa.
"It's always starving artist.
It's never starving art museum owner."
It's funny like that, but life has a way of ending early, everytime.
If you die in childhood, you don't get to witness puberty and growing up. See 'falling in love.'
If you die young, you don't get to experience the joys of marriage, having children, etc.
If you die a man, you don't get to experience the joys of wisdom, and the respect you're supposed to get when you're old.
If you die old, you die in regret, no matter what - because it's impossible not to feel regret, isn't it?
So either prepare yourselves for the upsets of your life, or stop regretting shit. Because shit would happen, even if earth stops spinning.
No one has figured out life, it's insane. Not until we're all unable to appreciate it anymore, ironic isn't it?
- Reaper says:
*man im tired of everyone talkng about how awesome michael jackson was
Danish A. says:
*yeah
*everyone just realized
- Reaper says:
*when they were the ones who sued him in the first place bhenchod.
Danish A. says:
*I know right
*and everyone
*including m
*me*
*was like
*heh, kiddie fucker.
^^ That's how fucked up we are, really.
Talk not ill of the dead. Where were you when the dead were alive? You had your chance to speak ill of them then, why'd you waste it?
Fuck.
JEEZ. I can't write anymore, forgive me.
Flying.
I just woke up, but I faintly remember the dream I had;
I'm inside a plane, and the plane's flying in between skyscrapers. The city below us is shrouded with clouds, but some skyscrapers are tall enough to be above them.
And it was beautiful.
My mum says it was a 'good dream'. What I would give to be able to fly.
I'm inside a plane, and the plane's flying in between skyscrapers. The city below us is shrouded with clouds, but some skyscrapers are tall enough to be above them.
And it was beautiful.
My mum says it was a 'good dream'. What I would give to be able to fly.
Jul 1, 2009
Setting things free.
Fuck everything, seriously.
A car ran into a kitten's head today, pushing it's eyeballs out of it's sockets and leaving it fluttering on the ground, pouncing involuntarily a foot above the ground, shaken and not knowing what to do. It finally settled in the middle of the road, not moving, possibly brain dead, but still breathing.
Breathing, but not alive. For I will not call that living. I refuse to.
The only thing that I thought to do, was relieve the cat of it's misery. To kill it. It's promised a better world after, too, isn't it? Or did the cat not believe in God either?
I can't be sure of that, but while all my friends prompted me and a very close friend of mine to just let it go, I insisted we finish the job. For the cat wasn't living, and taking it out of it's misery should be looked at as a noble deed. Or actually, I didn't care if it is or not.
So we ran it over, probably one of the hardest things to do, taking the life of a breathing organism. Or not. Just setting it free.
So, do I feel guilty? Possibly a little. But I'm angry at myself for feeling guilty. For I shouldn't. You can not kill what you did not create? Well, I can't witness suffering either. I did the right thing. Yet I hate myself for it at the moment. But above all that, I hate myself for hating myself for it.
Fuck the world. Life isn't fair anyway.
A car ran into a kitten's head today, pushing it's eyeballs out of it's sockets and leaving it fluttering on the ground, pouncing involuntarily a foot above the ground, shaken and not knowing what to do. It finally settled in the middle of the road, not moving, possibly brain dead, but still breathing.
Breathing, but not alive. For I will not call that living. I refuse to.
The only thing that I thought to do, was relieve the cat of it's misery. To kill it. It's promised a better world after, too, isn't it? Or did the cat not believe in God either?
I can't be sure of that, but while all my friends prompted me and a very close friend of mine to just let it go, I insisted we finish the job. For the cat wasn't living, and taking it out of it's misery should be looked at as a noble deed. Or actually, I didn't care if it is or not.
So we ran it over, probably one of the hardest things to do, taking the life of a breathing organism. Or not. Just setting it free.
So, do I feel guilty? Possibly a little. But I'm angry at myself for feeling guilty. For I shouldn't. You can not kill what you did not create? Well, I can't witness suffering either. I did the right thing. Yet I hate myself for it at the moment. But above all that, I hate myself for hating myself for it.
Fuck the world. Life isn't fair anyway.
Morning.
I wake up with this pain on the left side of my skull. I stretch open my jaw until I hear it crack, and feel my muscles relax a bit. Then I do the same with my neck, by circling my head in a 360 motion.
I don't feel like getting out of bed, I really don't.
My stomach hurts, and I can feel the nothing inside it. Other than stomach acid of course. I can feel that, and it hurts.
I feel weak, but I have to get up, without wanting to.
I take a look at my cell phone, and it's 7.15 AM. Great. I can see how this day is going to go ...
I don't feel like getting out of bed, I really don't.
My stomach hurts, and I can feel the nothing inside it. Other than stomach acid of course. I can feel that, and it hurts.
I feel weak, but I have to get up, without wanting to.
I take a look at my cell phone, and it's 7.15 AM. Great. I can see how this day is going to go ...
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