Figuring out Danish.

I just love how some people can confine themselves to only one kind of music and still call themselves music lovers and what not.

It takes either courage, or sheer stupidity, to do that. Just listen to a particular genre and say you appreciate music.

God, this conversation with you, has been like a blog post. I don't really talk like Deepak Chopra or Socrates in real life.

Something someone recently said to me that made me smile and wonder. And even inflate my already inflated self esteem, of course, that’s why it made me smile in the first place.

“Are girls constantly flinging themselves at you?”

Oh, if only, love.

If only people knew what was good for them.

If they did, they would probably stay away from Danish Arif though.

You figure out which one.

No longer about whether you have an addiction or not.

It’s about what that addiction is to.

The city is so pretty to look at, at the dead middle of the night.

I don’t mean, at like, a poncy corny late, like 12 am. No, I’m talking about 4 in the fucking morning.

When everyone is snuck up in bed.

Alone, clutching the pillow or the blanket, while they dream and don’t remember them after waking up.

Or, with their significant other. Maybe even hand in hand, if they haven’t been sleeping together for long.

Or maybe close together, head on arms.

Or if they have been together for a while now, probably facing in their own directions. Put themselves to sleep wondering what to do next. What else is left to look for?

And they make that list in their head before falling asleep and having multiple dreams. But not remembering any when they wake up.

I remember looking down at the street, in Karachi.

And now I’m doing it in an apartment in center city, Philadelphia.

I make myself smile with my heart.

I’m your addiction, aren’t I? We’re all addicted to one thing or another, even if we don’t admit it.

The internet maybe.

Daily cup of tea maybe. Caffeine.

Chocolates maybe.

Watching the news maybe.

Having the same dull routine every fucking day maybe. The comfort and convenience involved in that. And in human life in general. Or what we’ve made of it. Ourselves.

I try to stop, I try to do the best I could.

Make me smile, with your heart, for a change.

Cream.

Remember those moonlit nights?

Stargazing and nothing else.

With no other care in the world, just the wind blowing really slow.

Oddly comforting.

You realizing how alive you are.

How alive and beautiful everything else is.

The stars in the sky, the darkness around them, and the moonlight. So clear and beautiful, like nothing else.

And the leaves, fresh and damp. After it has stopped raining. But it’s still humid.

And everything is beautiful. The night is beautiful.

And you have a beautiful mind. So you let it wander. And it days, off to your world of dreams. The one you’ve created yourself. When you play God inside your head, because it’s so much more safer that way. And secure. And comfortable.

Like love is. Comfortable. Makes you feel content.

Like you’re safe. Like you’re sniffing tissues that smell like vicks vaporub.

My funny valentine …

You, make me smile – with my heart.

Like the moon is smiling at you when you’re not looking at it.

Like life is a beautiful mess you want to create. By falling for it, and falling in it’s many games. Probably the one you love the most. Probably the best game there is.

So you let your mind wander off, to think about your lover.

Or lovers.

What if one person, is not just that. What if a million people lived in one? Maybe that’s what you’re looking for.

Are you?

Because everyone is ONE. But you’re looking for someone that isn’t. You’re looking for more than One itself.

Because you’re looking for God. Not THE God, though, of course. We’re all looking for something. Everyone always is.

Cream by Wu Tang Clan is one of the best rap songs in the world. With one of the best beats in the history of music.

But no one really gets all this. No one understands.

Specially if this wasn’t a blog, and a person, this wouldn’t have ever worked.

It never really does. Minds work better for people when they keep them closed. And so this is shut out. Would have been shut out. If this wasn’t a blog, and was a person.

 

“But as the world turns I learned life is Hell
Living in the world, no different from a cell
Everyday I escape from Jakes givin chase, sellin base
Smokin bones in the staircase
Though I don't know why I chose to smoke sess
I guess that's the time when I'm not depressed
But I'm still depressed, and I ask what's it worth?
Ready to give up so I seek the Old Earth
Who explained working hard may help you maintain
to learn to overcome the heartaches and pain
We got stickup kids, corrupt cops, and crack rocks
and stray shots, all on the block that stays hot
Leave it up to me while I be living proof
To kick the truth to the young black youth
But shorty's running wild, smokin sess, drinkin beer
And ain't trying to hear what I'm kickin in his ear
Neglected for now, but yo, it gots to be accepted
That what? That life is hected”

Cash rules everything around me.

CREAM. Get the money. Dollar, dollar, bill ya’ll.

- Wu Tang Clan. Cream.

In Search Of… am I high?

 

Me and Yousef are sitting on this couch in his apartment, after a visit from Puff the Magic Dragon.

He told me to download the whole N.E.R.D album, In Search Of … and it’s on my playlist, but not playing. So I ask him if the song is trippy or not, and he says.

“Oh, it’s kinda trippy, but not as much as you would think.”

And he goes back into drifting, when I feel like giving it a shot and play it.

I lean back and we both start listening to the song. Then after 5 seconds into the song, we look at each other and say.

“Ok, woah, that IS trippy.”

I don’t know why I felt like putting that up, but it was hilarious at the time.

-yawn-

So, I ended up crashing at Belal and Yousef's last night, which I'm still trying to comprehend.

They live right in the middle of the fucking city. Right next to center city. And waking up and going downstairs for a cigarette doesn't seem that odd in that light then, does it?

Watching all these people scatter around, with their lattes', iphones, blackberries, and what nots', in their expensive suits and stuff. Aah, people running after the American dream.

It's depressing, but still a sight to behold.

With all the tall skyscrapers, the thin straight roads that cars ultimately get stuck on. Mostly because SEPTA - the public transportation system, is on strike. And it's messing up things for people that don't even use it.

And suddenly I don't see why I'm writing this blog post. I'm just going to go ahead and publish.

I am going crazy.

Me and Belal got on the elevator to get to his and Yousef's apartment. So we're standing inside the elevator, with two cartons of tastycake, one 10 pieces chicken nuggets, one frosty, and we have to get to floor nine.

But I end up pressing every button on the lift from 8 to 1.

So, we sit down on the floor and I tell him we should play a game.

Leatherface, with a chainsaw, is on one of the floors that the elevator is going to stop on, and we don't know which one. And we have to get out ourselves, on the right floor, above Leatherface, or as far as possible from him so we can escape and get to the apartment. But if we get on the wrong floor, or stay in the elevator, while it stops on the Leatherface floor, we're going to get chopped up.

And so we're sitting on the floor of the elevator, freaking out as it stops on every floor.

Then we just start talking about all kinds of crazy stuff, not realizing that we're still on the floor and that the elevator is stopping on each.

Until we get to the ninth floor, and decide to get to the apartment already.

October 30th, 2009.

Today has been a really eventful day. I’m just going to make, like a list.

~ Woke up with a nightmare, details in post below, felt like I was going to have the crappiest day ever, but actually ended up waking early for a change and getting to class on time.

~ Got to class to realize I had done the homework wrong, so I ran to the computer lab, actually re-did the homework (wrote an entire paragraph for my short story in 5 minutes,) made five copies, ran back to class and shared with my writing group.

~ Met up Tyler and Mike, two really kickass people, and we decided we were going to get baked.

~ After class, Tyler goes home, I get Cake with Mike and Billy. Cake is awesome, by the way.

~ Tyler comes back, we go to Mike’s place, and get baked like a cake. Seriously, buzzed out of our skulls. Actually got to see what Purple Haze is about. And yes, it deserves to be talked with great regard. Purple Haze is THE best.

~ Shot an hour worth of short film (which I now realize didn’t actually get saved =[) but got lots of ideas for short films, and found out Mike’s good friend Pat is a film major and has a lot of good movie making equipment. So let’s see where that goes. Also had really deep conversations.

~ Decided to head back to CCP, and Tyler dropped me off for the Anime meeting.

~ As I was going to take the elevator up, I run into Dan and Luiggi, two really cool people. We decide to grab a pizza, and Luiggi tells me all about his recent heartbreak. So does Dan, and I can’t help but see how similar my story is. And the nightmare comes back into perspective.

~ Then we head back to the meeting, and meet up with BIlly ,where intense LAN Left 4 Dead party takes place.

~ End up watching some very disturbing Anime.

~ Decide to go home, but run into this really cool dude named Hannibal first. Yes, that’s his real middle name. He doesn’t like being called his first name. He is shit tall, has an afro, can actually eat up a horse, and scares me sometimes.

~ Find out 2 people actually broke up right in front of me, at the Anime club meeting. One couple actually engaged.

I dropped a quarter, 25 cents, under the vending machine, and he ducked down to find it. He actually ended up finding a nickel and two dimes, which total up to 25 cents, but not the actual quarter itself. Funny.

So, Hannibal almost got into a fight with the Dude, from the couple that was(?) engaged. And a knife actually came out, along with words like, “Oh, I’ll cut you up motherfucker, you think you know me?” and “What the fuck you staring it? You wanna go, HUH?”

So I stayed behind after the meeting, partially to see if a fight actually does erupt, and if it does, to jump in and try stopping it. Probably wouldn’t have worked, but it’s the thought that counts right? Yeah.

So I end up realizing, wow, life is just sad for everyone.

Oh, and tomorrow it’s officially Halloween, so have a party to attend. Don’t really know which one, let’s see.

Aah, that’s about it. I’ve realized how wonderful life is.

Last semester in college, I practically knew no one.

Now there’s probably no one I don’t know. Almost, anyway.

I know a shitload of people, that’s basically what I’m trying to say.

And I love it, I’m the people’s person. Also, I made it happen, so yay in my head.

Here’s to being awesome. =] Kanpaii!

Nightmares.

What’s worst than experiencing heartbreak?

It’s still experiencing it in nightmares.

Even after all these years.

And then having to wake up and getting out of bed.

It’s like reliving the moment. Or death, actually.

How can you live if you constantly mourn your heart?

Fire.

Hate is such a beautiful thing.

It’s fear that gives men wings.

And fear and hate walk side by side.

Like the Dioscuri.

Like the Grimm Reaper and the Devil.

And yet, hate is such a beautiful thing.

Anger is another beautiful thing, closely related to Hate.

When I think Anger right now, the picture that flows in my head is:

This fire, that’s flowing through a tube or a tunnel, similar to water. Beautiful texture of Golden, Brown and Orange. Just flowing together, warming the walls of the tunnel it’s enclosed in. And continuously flowing, beautifully.

Layers and layers of golden brown and orange, flowing over each other, and together with complete harmony. Poetry in motion.

Willing to destroy whatever comes in it’s path, and having the ability to reduce to ashes, in the blink of an eye.

Completely eradicate.

Remove from existence.

Reduce to nothingness. Intangibleness. Until only the memory remains.

And that too, fades away. Time is cruel that way.

But funny thing with hate and anger. Just like you can never forgive, you can never forget. It’s going to be there forever.

The marks of fire against a cave wall. Or the tunnel that held it. Even after the fire is long gone.

IF you can find a way to make the fire go away.