You're a writer, and you write for yourself. Then you get an audience, and you're writing for them, all the while still writing for yourself. No matter what you do, you're still writing for yourself, while still trying to please an audience.
It's inevitable, the guilt.
Then imagine receiving emails from women claiming your words make them cry, changed their views, changed their life, how they look at things - and gave them optimism.
Imagine these messages coming in right when you've given up on most things in life.
It's like being made into a God when all you wanted to do was sit it out. It can make people do ridiculous things. It made Kurt Cobain kill himself.
Well, either that, or he was just plain crazy. To which Chuck Klosterman also has something to say:
"Not all crazy people are brilliant, but almost all brilliant people are crazy."It's almost been 6 months since I last wrote anything on this blog, and I didn't really contemplate how long it's been before this minute.
To be honest, everyone that said; "You'll come back to writing," or, "you're going to write again, watch," only pissed me off even more. Here's for the records: Fuck you.
Nothing is more agitating, when you're trying to step back and genuinely take a look at your life, and someone says, "you're just being a poser." Fuck you.
This blog turned into something much more than just a channel for my passive aggressiveness, and it scared me. Gained followers, gained people that actually started commenting constantly, and then I started receiving the emails. It can be really scary.
I'm no Jesus Christ, please don't turn me into one. It's the last thing I ever wanted. It's scary.
I may be living a life that's poetic on paper, or maybe I just have a way of sensationalizing everything I say. I'm only human. I want to remain just human. Everyone makes mistakes. Please stop poiting and calling me a; Poser, Savior/Messiah.
Once you turn someone into a god, you start expecting a little too much. Think about it, just how much can you expect from another human? Shouldn't you be expecting the same you expect from yourself? Shouldn't that be about it?
Fuck you. I still hate humanity, even though I'm trying really hard not to.
I've come a long way from the last 6 months, to be honest, it seems like an eternity. Traveled time, space, and the depths of insanity. Not trying to claim I did anything special, or have achieved enlightenment, god forbid. I just needed a little time to myself. That's all.
I could've tried to explain it in nicer terms, and unfortunately, anger is an expensive luxury. Given the circumstances however, I don't regret anything. What happened, happened, perhaps for the best.
I'm still learning. More about me, more about you. The problem perhaps was, that I had stopped focusing on the me, and only focused on the you.
I'm hungry now, and my heads starting to hurt... maybe I'll write more soon, maybe I won't.
Stop turning me into a poser, a messiah, a savior, and stop expecting things, no matter what they are.
I'm not obliged to provide anyone with anything, never was, never will be. Perhaps, never want to be. Unless it's involuntarily, and just happens.
"I am human and I want to be loved,
just like everybody else does."
- 'How soon is now?' The Smiths.
update: I don't really hate humanity... at least I'm telling myself now that I don't and that I shouldn't... it's just sad what we've become... can't we please try not to be so retarded? Surely we have more IQ than a glass of water? (Much love to my babe for that metaphor.)
