Musings from the sky.

I wrote the following while I was on the plane to Qatar. I was reading "The Restaurant at the end of the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams, so all the quotes that follow are from the book. 

"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

Douglas Adams wrote about me!

• Hmmm, the lack of taste of these sesame crackers almost make up for the foulness that is this cheddar cheese.

"If life is going to exist in a universe of this size, then the one thing it cannot afford to have is a sense of proportion."

• This flight attendant has the cutest British accent ever. And she keeps calling me "hun," or "lovie." I could get used to this.

"The function of art is to hold the mirror up to nature, and there simply isn't a mirror big enough."

• This guy sitting next to me is watching Prison Break season 3. He's either very late to the party, or a time traveler. Hmmm.

No fun at all.

I'm scheduled to go back home on the 24th of December. That's Christmas Eve.

I'm taking a flight all the way to Qatar, from New York. Even though my destination is Riyadh in Saudi Arabia, which I'll be flying over to get to Qatar for a 4 hour transit stay at the airport. After that, I'll fly back in the opposite direction from which I came, and reach where I originally wanted to be.

Yay. So the 12 hour flights back home that I hated with a passion not only got longer, but now there's a 4 hour stay in Qatar.

Isn't that great? It's absolutely fantastic. I can't believe my good fortune.

I could've picked a much more comfortable route for much more cheaper, and have transit at a country like France or even England. But much thanks to my Pakistani passport, and ''my fellow country-men's'' willingness to cause violence - not a lot of countries around the world like us.

And not a lot of countries like me. Just because of my passport, that is correct. Note that I don't blame them. I'm just commenting on my good fortune.

I'm also a little cynical and whiny because I'm depressed about going back home. Does that sound a little odd? I'm sure it does.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing my family. I actually miss them, and don't really get to talk to them while I'm here. I hate conversations on the phone, and I made a point not to spend too much time on the internet... which didn't help of course.

It's leaving behind life here which is depressing me. You've probably heard me say this before, but I hate this feeling of leading two lives that I've had to deal with for the past 2 years... It's like I don't really have a home anymore. I don't really know much about what's going on back home in the middle east, and my parent's don't really know much about here. Other than the fact that I'm going to college and what not, but isn't that about 20% of your life?

I don't know any of my sibling's interests anymore, for instance. They've always grown so fast that I'm surprised and shocked every time I go back home, every 6 months. I don't know what they're ''into'' or what they've been doing in the not so distant past.

In short, I don't really communicate a lot with people 'back home.' Unfortunately... but can I be blamed for trying to pay more attention to life in the country I am currently residing in?

I can either live life and indulge in it's abstractness that can't be verbalized. Or I can pass by it, jotting notes down, trying to keep track and narrate it to an audience that doesn't really exist?

Besides, audiences are like the Gods we create and place on high chairs. Then they fall one day, and we're just like, "aww man." Bummer.

I'm depressed because... I like it here. And I wish my family could come to me so they could see what I've fallen in love with, instead of me having to go there and trying to verbalize it.

It's depressing... I think I've already mentioned that. Maybe I just felt like it needed more emphasis.

It's no fun being depressed, is what I think I'm trying to say here...

No fun at all.

How to be famous and liked.

Consider this theory:

Someone narcissistic is truly, on the deep-down inside, a really insecure person.

To some this might just click as a faux wisdom, something that will click just because of the irony.

To others this might sound preposterous.

Narcissists usually love themselves and nothing else as much as they love themselves.

And to add to the fun of going against the grain, I'm going to take being insecure up a notch and say truly Narcissistic people hate themselves.

In short, the more someone displays Narcissistic behavior and traits, the more insecure they are and the more they hate themselves for it.

The kick here is, they just can't tell. It's a part of being the program and just playing on to ''who we really are,'' ... this, of course, isn't who we are at all. It's just the program, running us. And we're running on an even bigger program - planet Earth's program, so we're programs ourselves.

Operating System >> program >> script.
The World >> us (you and I) >> tunnel vision and the world we see due to it.

We wouldn't go on and talk about ourselves until we felt there was something that needed to be changed there. Or a change needed to be expressed.
No one lifts a finger unless they feel something needs to be done about something or the other. D'uh, right?

It doesn't matter if anyone cares or not, to the Narcissists' tunnel vision - all he sees is himself. And he talks about it and discusses it all day because he doesn't like what he sees. The root of all critique, or criticism.

Then again, aren't we all a little insecure?

Then again, doesn't this society, or the script, harbor insecurity to begin with? Because it's turned everyone into a borderline Narcissist - to say the least?

The way to go, man, is to not give a fuck about what anyone else says. Believe in yourself, son, everyone will keep hating no matter what. What matters is what YOU think of yourself. And nobody else.

Now go out there, you little Narcissist and show the world what you can do! Let's tear each other apart with our insecurities.

Hiss like a Python!

I've started my own linux blog here; Fuck Yeah, Ubuntu!

I've started to learn how to program! It's been crazy fun, progressing doesn't seem like work at all, it's more like a game. I started with Python, and plan on studying Java, Javascript, and PHP next.

I don't know what to blog about. I'm just going to be honest and say that.

I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I don't remember how I used to... I don't remember what I used to write about, or even why... maybe that proves that it was just useless ramblings like I thought?

I also blog here ; daanish.tumblr.com

Or tumbl... actually... heh. Go check it out?

My list of top 5 Ubuntu applications.

Ubuntu has been really good to me lately, and so I thought I'd talk about the applications I frequently use in Ubuntu to get things done!

The beauty of using Ubuntu, in my opinion, is the fact that almost everything seems to work out of the box. I actually prefer looking for native applications that I can use, rather than 3rd party applications. They look better, they're simple and minimalistic (keeping with the Ubuntu way,) and they just plain and simply work!

I do, however, have a few 3rd party applications I use to get some added functionality. Just don't think of this as a guide to what applications you should get as alternatives for the native installed programs.

This is my list of the applications I run the most frequently in Ubuntu, and find to work for me. Think of it as a list of suggestions. =]

"5 Applications in Ubuntu that everyone should try at least once."


Google Chrome
I was a strong advocate for Firefox when it first came out. But that was before Google Chrome was released, and I got a chance to take it for a spin. Ever since I tried Chrome for the first time, I've never looked back. I was ecstatic when I learned Chrome was officially released for Linux! I had been running Chromium (an unofficial, open source browser based on Chrome.) It's fast, and it's minimalistic and doesn't hog up system resources.

Tomboy Notes
A native application found in Ubuntu. I am in love with Tomboy Notes! The ability to create 'notebooks' and manage your notes using them is just amazing. I used to create endless text files on desktop to archive all the useful information I run into on the Internet. Tomboy Notes is a much cleaner and simpler way of doing so, and it also has the ability to link your notes together! Every time you type the name of an existing note in a note, Tomboy will automatically create a link to that note. It's amazing!

Ex: You have a note file called "Cheesecake recipe." Every time you type ''cheesecake recipe" in any other note file using tomboy notes,
it will automatically turn into a link to the Cheesecake recipe file.

XChat
Do a lot of IRC? Or maybe since you're running Ubuntu, you need constant help finding and fixing things? The #Ubuntu channel at irc.ubuntu.com is home to fellow Ubuntu users just waiting to help!

You can use the native Empathy IM client in Ubuntu to connect to IRC servers and such, but I find it easier if IRC is run using a seperate client than the one managing all your other IM services.

Runner ups: IRSSI - IRC chat in terminal windows.


Twhirl
A lightweight adobe air based twitter client. There are many, many, many air based twitter clients out there today. I don't know why I particularly picked Twhirl, but it does what it says and isn't very complicated. Plus, I think the color theme just changes automatically based on the current ubuntu theme, which I think is pretty neat.

You could use the native application for twitter called Gwibber, but it's just plain ugly.

You could also use Tweetdeck, but I never found myself that dedicated to Twitter.

Destroy Twitter is another application that is very similar to Twhirl, in that it is also adobe air based.

Runner ups: Tweetdeck, destroy twitter


Liferea
RSS feed reader that automatically becomes a part of the Ubuntu messaging panel in recent Ubuntu releases. Does what it says and just joins the gtk look, which is why I love it! Simple and easy to use, as well as lightweight.


That's it for now. Look forward to similar lists and application reviews in the future!

"Operation Failed," in Ubuntu while using the Software Center.

Just fixed my very first ubuntu solution for someone else! And on Reddit/r/Ubuntu [Link], too, at that. I'm pretty proud of myself. =]

Give Reddit a look if you don't already know what it is.

"Maybe some of you Ubuntu veterans can help me out with some problems that are keeping Ubuntu from being my main OS.

I've got ubuntu on an HP dv4 laptop.

Here are my issues: -Skype sound doesn't work -Can't stream Netflix online -Whenever I install something I get an error that says "Operation Failed," but it doesn't actually fail (this is just an annoyance).

Maybe you guys can help me out?"

The Solution:

"The operation fail thing - my girlfriend was getting that on her laptop too, but it got fixed fairly easily.

The problem was, her cache was out of date, all she had to do was update it. ("sudo apt-get update" in terminal without the quotations.)

If this didn't work (didn't for her either at first,) you need to change the server you're getting your updates from. Go to Update Manager in System>>Administration from the panel, and click on Settings.

Go to the Ubuntu Software tab and click on "Download From:"

From the drop down menu, select "Other" and click on "Select Best Server."

This will download dummy files from every server until it figures out which one is closest/the best server for you.

After you're done with this, it should automatically search for updates, and update your cache too. If it doesn't, just use the command earlier mentioned (in terminal,) or use the update manager.

Hope this fixes that problem. =]"

And it did! Here's a link to the Reddit thread: [Link]

So if you're having similar problems in either 10.04 or 10.10 (because it seems to be common,) give that a shot and maybe you'll be good to go.

Terminal based Web Browsing and Instant Messaging in Ubuntu 10.10

I've been having a hell of a time learning how to use Terminals in Ubuntu. Some fun things I've picked up in the past day or two are using command line based instant messaging and web browsing!

Two programs easily available on Ubuntu that let you do this are:

Finch - terminal based IM client and W3M - terminal based web browser!

They're both extremely lightweight since they run in a terminal window and don't hog up any system resources! Here's what you have to do to get them:

W3M:

W3M is already included in Ubuntu 10.10 (Maverick) and if you're running it right now than you probably already have the packages! I'm not certain, but previous releases probably also carry it, at least 10.04 would I'm pretty sure.

If not, in terminal:

sudo apt-get install w3m

After w3m installs, all you have to do to browse the internet from a terminal window is:

w3m http://www.daanish.tumblr.com

Whereas you would replace this blog's address with the website you'd like to browse (d'uh!)

Finch:

Terminal based IM client that runs using the same technology as the popular IM client found in older versions of Ubuntu - Pidgin!

To install Finch, in Terminal:

sudo apt-get install finch

After it installs, type ''finch'' in terminal to get it up and running. Here are some useful shortcuts:

Switch between windows: ALT + N (next window) ALT + P (previous window)
Resize selected window: ALT + R (use arrow signs on keyboard)
Move selected window across the screen: ALT + M (use arrow signs on keyboard
Quit: ALT + Q

Here's a screenshot of me having some fun with Finch in Ubuntu 10.10:

Ha Ha Ha ...

Download your facebook.

From the download page itself:

Download Your Information
Get a copy of the data you've put on Facebook.

This tool lets you download a copy of your information, including your photos and videos, posts on your wall, all of your messages, your friend list and other content you have shared on your profile. Within this zip file you will have access to your data in a simple, browseable manner. Learn More about downloading a copy of your information.
Security
This is a copy of all of the personal information you've shared on Facebook. In order to protect your information, we will ask for authentication to verify your identity.
WARNING: This file contains sensitive information. Because this download contains your profile information, you should keep it secure and take precautions when storing, sending or uploading it to any other services.

Here's how to do it:

Sign on to Your Facebook Account

Click on Account >> Account Settings >> Download your information (click on learn more)

That's it. =]

Rawring Pandas!

Here's an ubuntu screenshot for you to enjoy. It's what I've been doing over the weekend:
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs781.snc4/66120_10150346125595441_689045440_16177916_3691774_n.jpg

Here's a side project for all of you to look into. Instructions are at the link. Maybe you can be a part of it. Leave a comment if you're interested.

[Rawring Pandas]

Down with the sickness.

I've been sick for the past 3+ days. I fell sick on Sunday, and I haven't quite recovered yet. Damned chronic tonsillitis. When I was about 15 or so, a doctor checked on my tonsils and told me I had a case of 'chronic tonsillitis.' What that meant was, apparently, that my tonsils had grown to such a point, and the inflammation (the pain, in simpler terms) had gotten so bad, that I juts couldn't feel it anymore.

Of course, apart from the fact that - that sounds extremely fucking badass, specially when you're 15, a doctor telling you something like that always sticks in your head.

So, I don't know if I really do have chronic tonsillitis or if the doctor liked making 15 year olds feeling like badasses.

Whatever the case, I'm pretty certain I have a throat infection. Evidently so, by the fact that my left ear popped closed last night. It's back to functionality now, but that shit was pretty freaky. Specially when I couldn't hear all the special notes on all my favorite rap songs. Bang, bang, skeet, skeet.

Oh, baby, you give me fever. Specially when you have the flu and we're making out. That shit always gets me sick.

So I tried making myself tea. Not being able to figure out why the tea was never strong enough, I emptied out two tea bags for 1 cup of tea. That's a lot of tea bags. I later found out I was trying to make tea like my momma used to, using Lipton iced fucking tea.

Iced tea is for jackasses that wear loafers and white shorts on beaches. That drink Bacardi with older women while they listen to slow sex music in the white sand.

Jackasses.

And if you know me by now, you're probably aware of the fact that I'm not a jackass. See, contrary to popular belief, it does not take one to know one. At least not all the time.

You could be as straight as a stripper's pole and know Parez Hilton is as gay as all living rainbow colored hell. Couldn't you?

Unless you live in a world where heterosexual men love to poke their noses in other people (none other than celebrities') affairs. And even write about them.

Oh, wait. Dammit.

Everybody, calm the f*ck down.

Chuck Klosterman wrote of Kurt Cobain in "Eating The Dinosaur," (and this is all paraphrased,) :-

You're a writer, and you write for yourself. Then you get an audience, and you're writing for them, all the while still writing for yourself. No matter what you do, you're still writing for yourself, while still trying to please an audience.

It's inevitable, the guilt.

Then imagine receiving emails from women claiming your words make them cry, changed their views, changed their life, how they look at things - and gave them optimism.

Imagine these messages coming in right when you've given up on most things in life.

It's like being made into a God when all you wanted to do was sit it out. It can make people do ridiculous things. It made Kurt Cobain kill himself.

Well, either that, or he was just plain crazy. To which Chuck Klosterman also has something to say:

"Not all crazy people are brilliant, but almost all brilliant people are crazy."

It's almost been 6 months since I last wrote anything on this blog, and I didn't really contemplate how long it's been before this minute.

To be honest, everyone that said; "You'll come back to writing," or, "you're going to write again, watch," only pissed me off even more. Here's for the records: Fuck you.

Nothing is more agitating, when you're trying to step back and genuinely take a look at your life, and someone says, "you're just being a poser." Fuck you.

This blog turned into something much more than just a channel for my passive aggressiveness, and it scared me. Gained followers, gained people that actually started commenting constantly, and then I started receiving the emails. It can be really scary.

I'm no Jesus Christ, please don't turn me into one. It's the last thing I ever wanted. It's scary.

I may be living a life that's poetic on paper, or maybe I just have a way of sensationalizing everything I say. I'm only human. I want to remain just human. Everyone makes mistakes. Please stop poiting and calling me a; Poser, Savior/Messiah.

Once you turn someone into a god, you start expecting a little too much. Think about it, just how much can you expect from another human? Shouldn't you be expecting the same you expect from yourself? Shouldn't that be about it?

Fuck you. I still hate humanity, even though I'm trying really hard not to.

I've come a long way from the last 6 months, to be honest, it seems like an eternity. Traveled time, space, and the depths of insanity. Not trying to claim I did anything special, or have achieved enlightenment, god forbid. I just needed a little time to myself. That's all.

I could've tried to explain it in nicer terms, and unfortunately, anger is an expensive luxury. Given the circumstances however, I don't regret anything. What happened, happened, perhaps for the best.

I'm still learning. More about me, more about you. The problem perhaps was, that I had stopped focusing on the me, and only focused on the you.

I'm hungry now, and my heads starting to hurt... maybe I'll write more soon, maybe I won't.

Stop turning me into a poser, a messiah, a savior, and stop expecting things, no matter what they are.

I'm not obliged to provide anyone with anything, never was, never will be. Perhaps, never want to be. Unless it's involuntarily, and just happens.

"I am human and I want to be loved,
just like everybody else does."
- 'How soon is now?' The Smiths.

update: I don't really hate humanity... at least I'm telling myself now that I don't and that I shouldn't... it's just sad what we've become... can't we please try not to be so retarded? Surely we have more IQ than a glass of water? (Much love to my babe for that metaphor.)

error 404: file not found

More like I've moved, actually.

Moved on in life, to other things.

My life is just moving too fast for me to be sitting around a computer and writing it all down for an audience that may or may not be there.

My opinion doesn't matter because ignorance will always be bliss to all of you people.

This has never been worth my time.
Pleasing your humane pettiness is not worth my time.

I’ve realized, that the only reason I was so addicted to this stupid concept is because from a very early age I’ve realized people have always been too stupid to see what is clearly right in front of us.

Growing up I realized how machines, computers specifically, are so much more superior in comprehending and working with logic when compared to humans.

That is where this connection began, all those years ago. My opinions and thoughts, that were directed at a computer – that listened without offering a bullshit opinion that was blinded by the inability to think individually, soon turned into a fucking social event. A fucking social event that highlighted the angst and depression of an insane teenager, that only wanted people to open their bloody eyes.

I refuse to partake in this foolish and petty waste of my precious time, that I will no longer throw away, by writing to an audience that is clearly not willing or ready or even able to comprehend a reality that is different from the illusion that is letting everyone sleep comfortably.

Fuck this. Stay asleep. I don’t care anymore.

We are only restricted by our own stupidity.

And you refuse to accept that and break away from restrictions.

Maybe I can’t blame you, it’s only your fear.

I’m sorry, I can’t help but laugh at how afraid all of you are though.

All the laughing I’ve ever been doing has always been alone, and that’s something I’ve accepted now.

And since you refuse to break free and accept reality, you might as well sleep with your ignorance.

Without me gently rapping, tapping on your chamber door.

Nevermore.

The Top Ten Marilyn Manson Quotes.

I was just reading up on the man, and came up to a few things he has said in his lifetime. So I’m putting them up here.

Bear in mind, Marilyn Manson is a very smart man. Evident by the articles he’s written and interviews he’s given.

He’s just crazy, is all. But then again, and I will testify, thinking for yourself is prone to do that to you.

I’m not even a big fan of his music. But I can’t argue with success, and logic, so here goes.

“I'm tired of people calling me a devil worshipper. It's kind of pointless you know. Because if the Devil did exist, he'd be worshipping me, because I'm more successful than he is.”

“Anybody intelligent enough to realize what America is, is not going to sit around and do nothing about it. They're going to be the same way that I am. They're going to be the same way our fans are. They're going to be pissed.”

“I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in. And I fear being a completely acceptable sheep in society.”

“In the end we're all Jerry Springer Show guests, really, we just haven't been on the show.”

“Is adult entertainment killing our children? Or is killing our children entertaining our adults?”

“Music critics get their records for free so their opinions usually don't matter.”

“Society has traditionally always tried to find scapegoats for its problems. Well, here I am.”

“We live in a society of victimization, where people are much more comfortable being victimized than actually standing up for themselves.”

“What happens someday if more people own my record than the bible? That will make me god because a lot more people believe in me than him? Because it's just about popularity. There are plenty of people in the world who have never heard of Jesus, while America takes him for granted.”

“You should have to pass an IQ test before you breed. You have to take a driving test to operate vehicles and an SAT test to get into college. So why don't you have to take some sort of test before you give birth to children? When I am President, that's the first rule I will institute.”

- Marilyn Manson

A letter to you, sweetheart…

It’s funny how I let you take control over me, as so.

It’s beautiful, love.

How you torture me so, with these games you play.

This agony you put me through, playing with my darkest, deepest rooted fears and insecurities.

Treading on my dreams.

You don’t even realize it.

You don’t know what this side of the garden looks like, dear.

You never have, you never will.

What being insane feels like… what seeing life as poetry in motion feels like. And bear in mind please, that poetry isn’t what you – or everyone else thinks it is.

Hallmark cards don’t have anything to do with poetry, love.

I can try to take my time and teach you all of this. Teach you how the world works. Maybe you could’ve seen how my head works. My mind, that probably shouldn’t do so much work.

But I guess you don’t really want any of this, darling.

You never did, you never will.

I’ll just weep to this letter then, sugar.

A simple prop to occupy your time – is what I feel like I’ve always been.

But you don’t see that, babe. You never did, you never will.

Forgive me for all those times I never called, or wrote back. Something always came up.

I told you about my condition, right? So many times, I keep forgetting. But I’m sure to mention it to everyone, every time I meet them.

Rest assured, love.

All the scars on my wrists, only prove I’ll try again, love.

Ever since I became dude.

I still remember. I always will.

Don’t ask me why my hands are so cold, love.

Or why I crave to die so much, all the time.

Or why I crave to kill myself so much, all the time.

All the dying is spiritual, mental. It takes place several times a day, love.

All courtesy of you too, love.

You’re a part of my world, love. As joyous as that sounds.

My world is like a blurry picture, of a picture, of a picture, love.

And he keeps assuring me he’s only playing. But I keep telling him I still smell you on him, love.

Why would you do such a thing though? It’s all I’ve ever wanted to know.

Why. Why, much more than how. How is … subjective, as you so innocently put it, babe.

You mean the world to me. I thought I should let you know somewhere in between here. Always and forever.

Only you, love.

But I can’t get myself to forget to ask why… and I can’t forgive myself for it either…

So, won’t you be my sugar plum and write back to me please? Please tell me why, love.

Just once?

I’ll just sit and wallow with myself until then. You can watch if you want… you have a habit of doing just that, love…

I won’t beg to have your fingers run through my mane again.

Just let me float in nothingness forever, please?

I don’t see why you didn’t just let it happen to begin with.

I mean, why poke the pond for no reason? I was just laying there, calm, with no cares in the world.

Except for the worry of myself. The worry I’ve carried for so long. So long, love.

So long, and goodbye.

I’m sorry for most of it, I suppose. Isn’t that what you’ve been expecting for so long, love?

It’s not like you ever really wanted anything more.

I’ve kneeled. I hope you’re happy now, love.

Played my part, I guess.

I didn’t ever feel bad tossing cigarette buds to the ground after I was done with them.

Why should you?

Don’t sweat it, babe. I’ll be perfectly fine, cut up and a mess.

Served cold.

As cold as this winter, love. Or the winter we had together. Where I couldn’t have withstood being out in the cold, if it wasn’t you I was out for.

Or that time you put me to sleep, and I couldn’t believe my sheer luck. It got me regretting not believing in luck.

Poetic justice, love.

It all is. It always has been, it always will be.

I’m going to stop talking now, love. I just wish I could do it while you were in front of me.

But you wouldn’t want any of this, anyway…

I hope you still did, but you don’t…

I mean… at least I got to see you smile from so close…

An attempt at audacity.

Public Service Announcement.

Deactivated my facebook today.

Hopefully/probably for a good while.

I realized, I wasn’t really gaining anything from it. All it was doing was help the cause of the stupid. All it did was piss me off. A lot.

All it did was help the world use me against me.

So, I’m good without it. Hiatus.

Thank God for like, Skype, and Tumblr and Blogger and stuff. And MSN and Aim.

Hit me up wherever instead of facebook. I mean, if it’s really important, you’ll know where to find me, right?

Right.

Some things I risk.

I think I might be undergoing a life crisis, or something of the sort. I mean, let’s slow down things for just a little while.

I’m still couch surfing. Even if the term doesn’t technically apply, it’s still more couch surfing than anything else. So.

Also, I have 25 dollars left in the account, again. I’m broke again, yup. Twice in a month. Hidden bank fees and gluttony combined with a little old fashioned and traditional Danish carelessness is how I got here.

Last but not not the least; college is going to be the end of me.

With all this and much more happening all at the same time, I’m having a very hard time recollecting everything. Comprehension is as far as I’m willing to go at the moment.

Why risk being just another opinion on the internet anyway?

Wait… Never mind.

One giant leap for insanity.

I may just be paranoid, but to be honest, I am panicking.

And it’s not cool.

It’s actually pretty depressing. Just so bound by being human, it’s not nice anymore.

Just because no one will ever get it. It’s too hard to explain to people. Takes too much time and effort. There will never ever be anyone like that. I’m not being pessimistic, just stating facts.

It’s so hard already, to live with the burden of being labeled a label. Just to really think about it, even. It’s such a disgrace. One you and I created and decided to play along with for all these years. Not knowing what it was really doing. But what can you do, really, you’re just so bound by being human. By the time you develop any real cognitive abilities, it feels like it’s too late.

Blue on blue, heartache on heartache.

An eye for an eye. It’s a viscous cycle, but even that name isn’t as demeaning as it should be. It’s something so hard to describe. It’s our system. It’s you and I.

You are so bound by it. Just by being you. It’s sometimes the knowing that’ll drive you up a wall. I know this because it’s what got me here.

Being one step ahead, sure. But what does that put you closer to? I would want to make sure I’m not trying to keep running, just for the sake of being ahead.

If it’s not that, then it’s the never ending quest to figure out what it is. Just the drive to the park. The destination doesn’t stay as important anymore, the journey takes it’s place. Because that’s what life ultimately becomes.

At least that’s what I’ve seen on the walls of this pit I fell into. I’ve been constantly tumbling at the same speed, downward spiral and all. And I get to see the craziest shit on my way down, it’s sad – but in a hilarious way.

The source of all this insanity, if you may. There is obviously something wrong with this head, for it to function so dysfunctional. I probably am just a sociopath.

Why can’t you just realize that and give me a break?

Calm before the storm.

Twisted Nerves

I thought I knew who I was when I fell asleep. I must have changed multiple times until then. Then I woke up, and now I don't know who I am.

I would try to explain to you how it feels, but I can't. It's not that I'm at a loss of words. I just don't know where or how to start. Or where it ends.

Maybe I'm just in no position to be steering any ships.

If I stand still, I'll feel the crumbles fall to my feet. Make sure I'm falling apart, and it's not just in my head.

And it's so cold, that the wind just cuts through skin, like a blade. It's so hard to tell if there are any clouds or not, I'm missing all details with my gaze being so out of focus.

"A movie so crass, and awkwardly cast, even I can be the star."

I died a long, long time ago.

Oh no, not me, I never lost control.

You're face to face, with

The man who the world sold.

This is perhaps just an episode.

This is perhaps just a phase.

Perhaps, it's just a rut. That I'll walk out soon, and everything will be fine.

Maybe I won't ever, and things will just continue to come crashing down, like they always do.

Fall apart. Break into pieces. Crumble.

But where does it end, if it ever does? If it ever will.

It can't be my fault. I've been designed to be this way. If our experiences shape us, I've only had very fucked up experiences. I'd be willing to blame God for it, but what's the point?

Fearless leader.

Just a nice guy.

Nice on the deep down inside.

So deep down inside, there's a doubt any such thing even exists.

So I press my palms down hard against my forehead, hoping for the anxiety to stop. The will to self destruct to go away. The want to stop living to vanish.

The storm might not pass until my twisted nerves untangle.

Couch surfing.

According to UrbanDictionary.com:

A cheap form of lodging used mainly by college-students or recent college-grads, where one stays on acquaintance's couches rather than a hotel.

And that’s what I’m doing right now. And going to this park alot, that’s like the most wonderful place on earth for a lot of reasons.

I like life at the moment. It’s not bad at all. =]

Things are like, almost perfect. Still house searching and crap, but moving ahead. It’s just a slow pace, but progress is being made.

A lot else has been happening too, I just don’t know how to put it all to words. So I’m just going to stop trying for now.

Poetry, yeah.

I love how the wind feels so peaceful on a sunny day, when there's nothing to worry about.

I love the feeling of being completely free, and being blessed with freedom.

I love how your fingers are tall and slender, and just how I like them. Shaped like nature spent extra time to shape them maybe.

I love how your smile is a curve similar to a sun while it's setting or rising. It's just as beautiful too. Makes me warm too at the same time, isn't that funny?

And I love how everything makes me feel like a poet. Like I could write a book. Make your heart melt, maybe, make you imagine all my words in your head.

I love how you can pretend to be angry, and do such a good job at keeping it up. It's like you should be in the movies.

I love how you have these childish mood swings. Maybe it's because you are like a child after all. It's such an animal-like behavior, it's cute.

I hate how losing games is so harsh to both of us. It's like too much pride for both our shoulders to carry, but the game is so cruel. It must be played. I love how realizing it is relieving. I now feel certain that it's me flying this plane we're on. I'm the pilot, in charge. Just how I like it. And deep down inside how you like it too. How you've always liked it. It's a shame, but it's poetic justice that it's all so visible to me. You should just bask in the fact that you get to kick your feet up, and enjoy the ride.

It's funny, that my mind and my heart is a train wreck. My head refuses to ponder, or to play any silly games anymore. It's had enough it seems, and so has my other popular organ. Yes, that'd be my heart, I can use it in context, as an entity, when I feel like being poetic and maybe a little frivolous.

A poet.

Right?

I hold in my hands, all the lights, all the suns, all the flowers, all the trees, all the grass, and all the leaves. All the colors, all the stars, all the fairies, and all the ink.

To write history.

The 36th Chamber.

This is going to be a run of the mill blog, because this absolutely needs to be done.

Today needs to be written down, just because of how epic it was. I finally have something genuine to write about.

One major reason is, because I ran into the fucking RZA today. In the flesh.

If you don’t know who the RZA is, I have no words for you.

The RZA is an American Grammy winning music producer, author, rapper, and occasional actor, director, and screenwriter. A prominent figure in hip hop music, he is the de facto leader of the Wu-Tang Clan. He has produced almost all of Wu-Tang Clan's albums as well as many Wu-Tang solo and affiliate projects. He subsequently gained attention for his work scoring and acting in films.

The Wu-Tang Clan (pronounced /ˈwuːˌtæŋ/) are a New York City-based hip-hop group, which consists of: RZA, GZA, Method Man,Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Masta Killa, and the late Ol' Dirty Bastard. [www.wikipedia.com]

He also produced one of the best beats I’ve ever heard. Ever. C.r.e.a.m.

It was amazing too, I was already pretty high and was walking down the street, when a friend of a friend [wearing the ‘Beats by Dr. Dre’ headphones,] who was walking towards us – told us that the RZA was actually standing at the street corner.

That’s when I started walking aimlessly down the street hoping to see the legend. And I did, too.

I don’t even know if what happened next can even be considered me meeting the guy, so you figure it out. My jaw fell to the floor, my mouth was shaped like an ‘O’ [literally,] and I didn’t know what to do. So, the RZA, who is on the phone and looks very tired, extends his hand and we all shake it.

And then we just walked away. I could not believe what had just happened. I had shook hands with the RZA.

And even though something so epic happened, we were mad at ourselves, me and my friends, by the fact that we didn’t ask the RZA to toke with us. Hopefully I’ll run into him again someday, and it’ll end up happening.

But nonetheless, I feel like I can die a happy man now. I have actually met the RZA, and have shaken his hand. I feel blessed.

Other than that, all I did all day was hang out with Mary Jane, and read Prometheus Rising by Robert A. Wilson while under the influence.

All at Rittenhouse Square – the place I am officially dubbing ‘heaven.’  I met the RZA in front of it, for one. And it’s where I hung out all day in the beautiful weather, with lots of very awesome people. A scene of the M. Night Shyamalan movie “The Happening” was also shot there. I’m going to take lots of pictures of the place soon. ^___^

So all in all, today was a pretty epic day.  I’m just going to end it at that. I still can’t believe most of it. Yeah.

Aren't I a little crazy?

I read The Hacker’s Manifesto (blogged about below) for my speech in public speaking. I got the review forms and stuff back.

Scored a 92 out of a 100. I’m pretty proud of myself.

I’ve been having an okay week.

I don’t know what else to write about. I feel like I’ve found isolating myself from things like society and everything is just so much more fun.

I can’t help it… otherwise, I feel like Im being strangled by everything. All at once. It’s not even funny.

It’s a demon that needs to constantly be awakened.

So when there is angst and depression, the best companion is the lack of companionship.

It’s like poking the demon with a stick on fire, just to wake it up.

And then it wakes up, the lump in your throat becomes heavier, and it feels like it’s about to rain.

And get very dark. And the walls and everything are just going to close in.

It’s like claustrophobia. Don’t you think?

The thought of being lonely. Or just loneliness in itself.

But it’s a demon that constantly wakes up.

And then it nibbles and shreds apart all the delicate fabrics of a comprehensive reality.

So that there is no more vision of the common truth.

It’s more likely a transformation, or enlightenment. Or maybe more like de-enlightenment.

And to think it all starts with depression and loneliness.

But it’s like a headache that won’t ever go away.

Because the demon isn’t just something that you can put back in the bottle. And you get to make no wishes at all.

Because nothing is listening to them, really. So it’s pretty much pointless.

When you realize this, you can rest assured that the threads of reality have been worn out. And the knot is loose, and the petals are all falling to the floor.

Bloodshot red, on the white grainy pavement.

Why do we tend to create Gods to begin with? Only to place them on a pedestal so high, that they’re prone to fall off one day, sooner or later. And everyone does, because everyone is human. Everyone will one day fall of the metaphorical pedestals they are resting on, in someone else’s head. Imagination. Vision of reality. The common comprehensive reality.

But it’s just a dream to me, anyway. Because that’s a reality that’s much more understandable to me at this point. Every other reality has fallen to the ground to be shattered into a million pieces of confusion. And so, this makes just as much sense as everything else has to this point in life.

It’s funny, but is this what you would describe living?

A constant tumble.

A question mark.

An unexamined life is not worth living.

Deep too, I remember I had a heart somewhere in there before the incident.

And now it’s just a black organ that pumps slug throughout my body. It’s like a void, actually, more like. A black hole. Yeah, pretty fucked up shit.

Can you start to see how fucked up things are?

Just some innocent victimless ramblings of an extra ordinarily depressed and angst-filled writer.

Don’t take things too seriously. There is no point.

The Hacker Manifesto

The Hacker Manifesto
by
+++The Mentor+++
Written January 8, 1986

Another one got caught today, it’s all over the papers. “Teenager Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal”, “Hacker Arrested after Bank Tampering”…

Damn kids. They’re all alike.

But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950’s technobrain, ever take a look behind the eyes of the hacker? Did you ever wonder what made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him?
I am a hacker, enter my world…
Mine is a world that begins with school… I’m smarter than most of the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me…

Damn underachiever. They’re all alike.

I’m in junior high or high school. I’ve listened to teachers explain for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction. I understand it. “No, Ms. Smith, I didn’t show my work. I did it in my head…”
Damn kid. Probably copied it. They’re all alike.
I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this is cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it’s because I screwed it up. Not because it doesn’t like me… Or feels threatened by me.. Or thinks I’m a smart ass.. Or doesn’t like teaching and shouldn’t be here…

Damn kid. All he does is play games. They’re all alike.

And then it happened… a door opened to a world… rushing through the phone line like heroin through an addict’s veins, an electronic pulse is sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought… a board is found. “This is it… this is where I belong…” I know everyone here… even if I’ve never met them, never talked to them, may never hear from them again… I know you all…

Damn kid. Tying up the phone line again. They’re all alike…

You bet your ass we’re all alike… we’ve been spoon-fed baby food at school when we hungered for steak… the bits of meat that you did let slip through were pre-chewed and tasteless. We’ve been dominated by sadists, or ignored by the apathetic. The few that had something to teach found us willing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the desert. 

This is our world now… the world of the electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn’t run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore… and you call us criminals. We seek after knowledge… and you call us criminals. We exist without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias… and you call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it’s for our own good, yet we’re the criminals.

Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like. My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for.

I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this individual, but you can’t stop us all… after all, we’re all alike.

Situation Report

I’ve been missing in action, I know. I don’t know how or why – I think it’s just the fact that I’ve been too busy, doing too many insane things in the past few months, that I can’t pay blogging any attention.

And it’s sad, specially because I have even more things running together at the same time now. It’s specially hard, because my attention span is so short. But I can’t help it!

I need to work on refining all the previous pieces of writing I have compiled. Will do that as soon as I stop being lazy, and maybe get time to do it.

Spring Break is going to end soon. If it hasn’t already. There was Saturday today, that I spent lazily doing nothing productive. Thanks to a stoner buddy that tends to go crazy every now and then. Not complaining.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I doubt I’m going to do anything tomorrow, but I plan on going to take a look at the new place I hope to move in to, tomorrow. It’s something that just doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I semi lost hope, but m’eh. Maybe it’ll finally go through. It’s also something I’ve been meaning to take care of for almost a year now. Also to be done tomorrow, is the laundry. I wish myself luck.

After I’m off the break and college officially starts again, I know exactly how things are going to be. I’ll be struggling with class timings and project/homework due dates, like always.

–sigh- I don’t like college very much. To be very honest. I don’t think anyone does, though. And people that say they do are either crazy, or lying. And I’m not talking about the partying or socializing aspect of college, no, I’ve got that right under control. Can’t get enough of it. I think half of Philadelphia might know me by now. It’s the other part of college that has got me frustrated. The debatable concept that college is a system that can educate and is a process - necessary, or un-doubtfully fruitful. I don’t like it, no. But I’m trying, I really am.

I’m thinking of doing much more than I am right now. Maybe, somehow, hopefully. Managing and running a successful Youtube channel, is something I’ve been contemplating. For a while, too, actually.

Will take a lot more pictures as soon as the weather turns back to how I like it. Sunny, of course. It was just like that a few days ago, but it’s raining again. And it doesn’t seem like it wants to stop either. Soon!

Need to start podcasting again. I just need to be motivated, is what the problem is. No lies.

I really like this, writing down my thoughts. I don’t know why I haven’t been doing this as much as possible. Maybe I’ll start writing a lot again, like back in the days. Remember? I wonder if I still have the same amount of readers that I did a while ago. A number that I liked. Probably not, only one way to find out.

Publish!

Ps: Did you go take a look at my dA?

A few of the best Rap and Hip Hop Beats/Instrumentals.

Yes, I’m taking this approach to blogging. Why? Because I can. It’s a part of my universe that isn’t highlighted as often as I’d like to. The part that revolves around music. It’s most of my world, in that context. Funny I don’t write about it as often. But I should start. And so I am.

Even if a person doesn’t listen to rap and hip hop, you can rest assured they realize that rap and hip hop is close to, if not already dead. With outlandish things like auto-tune and Lil Wayne, I should probably think twice before I call it rap and hip hop music anymore.

But there used to be a time, where music wasn’t completely pointless and not about having sex with ‘bitches’ and having a large bank account. Not that I’m going to talk about rap music in great detail, but only a few very good songs with very good music in the background. And the lyrics will be meaningful too every now and then. In no particular order, this list, so don’t think I’m evaluating anything.

High Til’ I Die – Tupac Shakur
Apart from singing about killing people and living a tough life – Tupac also wrote songs about drugs. And this one is probably my favorite. Off of the Sunset Park OST – high til’ I die is a good song to be blazing to. Or just sitting back and listening to.  Tupac’s lyrics are top notch, and the music does more than compliment them. It’s also the life of the song.

 

C.R.E.A.M. (cash rules everything around me) – Wu Tang Clan
Anyone that knew me, also probably knew after reading the title of this post, that this song was going to be making the list. I love this beat so much, I can actually play it on a piano and guitar both.

One of the best beats I’ve ever heard, The RZA borrows this from “As Long As I’ve Got You” by The Charmels. The Charmels couldn’t have

predicted that the piano intro to their song would go on to spawn a rap song, but it did. In fact, the type of music in both songs is so different, it’s hard to imagine either contributing to create the other.

Also worth listening to is the instrumental to the Wu Tang song, by El Michels Affair.

 

The Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit. I couldn’t resist, sorry.

Flashing Lights – Kanye West
It’s not an old song, Kanye West is probably not the best rapper, and the genre’ is debatable too. But one thing is for certain – the fact that the beat Kanye managed to come up with is both very catchy, and very beautiful. Off of his album ‘Graduation’ – his lyrics and music both seemed to have evolved, which is a very good thing indeed. This song also provides us with something to miss, after 808 and Heartbreak.

 

We Got More – Shock G. ft. Luniz

I’m not quite sure what this song is about, but I am fairly certain it involves smoking marijuana. And therefore, I will listen to it. Another thing that helps a great deal is the beat. I’m sure if you’re an appreciator of good music and blazing, you will come to love this song as much as I do.

 

 The Breakdown – People Under The Stairs
I couldn’t find a youtube video with The Breakdown by People Under The Stairs, so I’m putting up just the audio. And I underwent all the extra effort, because this list would definitely be incomplete if I didn’t put this song in here. One of the best beats I’ve ever heard, this is a very underrated song that has actually helped me go to sleep a lot of times. A must hear, if you’re a fan of good music.

Whenimondamic - Lootpack
Mellow, soothing to the ears, and beautiful, is what this song is. They don’t make rap like this anymore, and you

should appreciate getting to hear this song. As with the Shock G song above, I’m certainly lost most of the time – when it comes to the lyrics. Some of it just plain and simply doesn’t make much sense – but it doesn’t matter. With a beat so well developed, I couldn’t care less. Although, I more than certainly get what the following line means:
“But if wild child dies, before wild child wakes, I pray to God to step down and take down all them fake MCs. Pretty please.”

Why You Wanna – T.I. / Favorite Drug – Styles P

This song has been my ringtone for the longest time now, and has a whopping 101 plays on my iTunes. That’s much more than any other song I have.  A sample of a slowed down keyboard chord from Crystal Water’s “Gypsy Woman”, it was used not only by T.I. for this song – but also rapper Styles P for “Favorite Drug.” Each rapper has tweaked the beat to their own

liking, and I can’t decide which one is better. Even though I probably prefer T.I.s’ version, it’s undeniable that the song is all about … having sex with a particular female and getting her to break up with her current boyfriend(?)

T.I. is one of the best rappers I’ve heard, and is definitely good with lyrics. It’s the fact that he raps about things like … having sex with females and getting them to break up with their boyfriend … that leaves the mind to ask for more meaningful things. But I’m not complaining with a beat so good.

 

Still Dre – Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Dogg

The first time I paid attention to this song was while being really high. It played on a friend’s phone, and I recognized the beat, but it was the first time I actually listened to it and paid attention. I was hooked right away, and first thing I did when I got home was to get the song.

This list would be incomplete if this song wasn’t mentioned, and you’ve probably heard it too. A classic, and a very good song to blaze to.

Game Over (Go Big Or Go Home Boy) – Doomtree
I recently ventured and looked around for good independent and non-mainstream rap songs, only because of how much better they are, due to the fact that artists creating these wonders are not aiming to get on the radio. Or even if they are, they’re not aiming for the sheeple that listen to the crap the radio plays today. And it’s a very good thing. One listen to Doomtree’s ‘Game Over’ and you’ll agree.

 

All Eyez On Me – Tupac / Street Dreams – Nas
Another instrumental that was used by two rappers, and that too, two of the

most well known rappers in the business. Need I say more?

One of Tupac’s best songs, in my opinion anyway. Tupac and Nas both made apparent changes to the beat, and it’s arguable which one I like better. They’re both really good, and that’s why they’re both here.

Hero – Nas ft. Keri Hilson
It’s ridiculous how good this beat is. So good that I learned how to play it on the piano, and also how to recreate it using Fruity Loops.

Also note how subtle Keri Hilson’s role in the song is, yet it would be missed if it wasn’t there.

A very underrated 2008 song, you shouldn’t not listen to this if you like rap music.

Superman, The Real Slim Shady, White America, Guilty Conscience – Eminem
I’m putting Eminem in this list, just for the sake of having Eminem on this list. Truth. It would be too hard on my conscience if I made a list concerning rap and hip hop and didn’t somehow squeeze Eminem in. Not that he doesn’t have any bad beats, in fact – each song I listed above, and many more, are very well written and produced. Eminem is a lyrical genius, Dr. Dre is a beast when it comes to music production, and the two work so brilliantly well, that whatever Eminem has to spit – Dre can masterfully weave music around it. Take his songs about hating on his promiscuous exs’ and then a song about murdering people and holding up a convenience store for proof.

I could go on with a lot more songs, and I’m probably missing/forgetting a few. These ten/twelve tracks should be sufficient to keep you going for now, though. Look forward to more lists, reviews, and what nots’ in the future. =]

Censorship and Art.

"Let's agree to disagree."

Censorship in Art was the topic of discussion in my Art 101 (also known as Visual Communications) class, on Wednesday and Friday.

First, let me tell you what I think of the class. A bunch of people that have no clue what they're talking about - with the opportunity to sound like stuck up pretentious yuppies - that can put two and two together, when they look at a painting. Or 'work of art' as my teacher likes to call it.

But similar to other things, I have an issue with that too. First of all, how in God's name do we know that the painter, photographer, or simply 'artist', whose 'work of art' we are shredding to pieces really did pour down his or her emotions/feelings, rather than just splatter paint on the canvas. Really.

Second of all, we're supposed to be learning how to interpret the stuff. Issue a) that I mentioned above comes into play again. Issue b) is, we can get close, but can we really 'interpret' what the 'artist' was trying to portray? Probably not, because half of the 'artists' we talk about are dead.

Anyway. Censorship is retarded. That's what I think about censorship. Why, you ask?

First, if it's political censorship - then that's just it. That's the reason. The truth deserves ... no, it needs to be out there, even if it's not political censorship. And if it is, then yeah, everyone needs to know what's really going on.

Second, if it's censorship due to a racial or religious issue - which it usually is - then seriously. What is censorship going to do?

There is a picture called "Piss Christ," and "Yo Momma's Last Supper" - both of which were censored. But the respective artists still gained notoriety and fame. Do you know why? Probably just because, they were censored, because really - the 'work of art' weren't, actually. Works of art, I mean.

You say to someone; "Did you see that new controversial painting?! No one should ever see it! It's disgusting!"

And the someone you are talking to, first thing they do is - go home and google it.

Do you see what I'm talking about? The only way racism, and other things that offend people, will completely go away - is if people stop making such a fucking deal out of them, and just completely let it go. Try not to get riled up about things. And even if you do, just stop paying attention and move on. That's the only way things that really offend you will go away. And I said that in class, too. To which most people tried to disagree and share their feelings and thoughts. Then I made a come back with logic, and somehow they got what I was saying - and decided to shut up.

Then - there was the other thing that pissed me off.

The pictures "Piss Christ" and "Yo Momma's Last Supper" pissed people off, and they thought that the censorship of those pictures was appropriate. Then they were shown the bombing of this huge Buddha sand statue in Afghanistan. The Taliban in Afghanistan thought it was a part of western culture, that they didn't want in their country anymore and so they blew it up.

And after seeing that in class, people muttered things like, "Oh, that's just stupid," and "why would they do that?"

Because they fucking could, that's why, geniuses.

But here's what's grinding my gears about that. Why was that not ok, if the censorship of 'Piss Christ' was? No matter what the reason for censorship, it's still censorship at the end of the day, right? How can people not get that? If you like to believe and claim that everyone has their rights, then how can you take that away from them by censoring their work? You fucking can't and shouldn't.

But as always, people are too stupid to figure that out. It's sad, but true. And that's why we're all always offended and crying.

It's not much a matter of growing up, as it is just getting a little smarter. Wait, maybe those things are actually just one.

See what I did there? Yup.

Superman

I don't wanna flip when I see you with guys,
Too much pride,
Between you and I,
Not a jealous man, but females lie,
But I guess that's just what sluts do,
How could it ever be just us two?
Never loved you enough to trust you,
We just met and I just fucked you.
But I do know one thing though,
Bitches they come they go,
Saturday through Sunday, Monday,
Monday through Sunday, yo'.

Nevermore.

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

- The Raven, Edgar Allan Poe.

How about you,

Talk to the hand, 'cuz the face ain't listening.

Thank you, come again.

How does it feel? =]

Knowing that I held you in the palm of my hands, while you thought it was the other way around?

Or that, I could make your world come crashing down as so. Play God with your life.

I bet it sucks. I heard you cried your eyes out and everything.

But why didn't you expect it? Can't you see that you deserved it?

I'm a man that does what I feel is right, and only God can judge me.

It's just a pity for you, that I have the power to fuck shit up for you - when you want to do what you want to do.

But hey, it was only because I wasn't too happy.

And you wouldn't like me when I'm not happy. I don't turn into a big green monster, but even the Hulk couldn't have fucked as much shit up as I probably have, don't you agree?

Aah, I love myself. And my uncanny ability to be so brilliantly deceptive. So sly, so guile. Change colors, be two-faced, all that. Because sometimes? You just have to be. I bet you agree.

It's just a pity for you, that I'm much better at what you thought you were doing.

But hey. You should've expected it. Because I'm not like everyone else out there. I thought you realized that.

And if you didn't, well, you definitely do now. =]

Hope your valentine's day was wonderful, because mine was spectacular.

I made shit hit the fan. Stirred things a little.

And you know how you kept saying "fuck my life," and I kept asking you not to, because you don't have a reason to? Now you do. You can say fuck my life all you want now, isn't that great?

It's good to be constantly throwing my middle finger up in the air.

I would like to dedicate this song to you too. Juttni by Billy X.

Is you happy?

I woke up with my head still groggy, and heavy. It took me a while to recollect last night, and not even all of it – just tid bits that I think were important.

I covered up my eyes from the vile sunshine pouring in through the windows, that burnt in my eye, causing adrenalin to be produced when my body clearly didn’t want it. It only gave me more of a headache.

I tried getting out of bed, and spotted my pack of cigarettes – so I lit one. And then sat down to think about last night again.

I faintly remember going around and telling everyone how awesome they are. And also how short life is. And how they shouldn’t be sad, no matter what. Even random strangers I met later, when I stepped outside to smoke. And everyone seemed to agree. It was weird how everyone was so much more nicer.

Tylenol, I hear, helps during times like these. Maybe I’ll give it a shot. –groan- .. I don’t even want to hear the word shot, for another week.

It can’t rain forever.

Try not to get depressed by the following, I’m not. I’ve accepted things for what they are, and am just trying to make sense.

I don’t see the point anymore.

In anything.

In living, in relationships, in life as a whole.

I think I’m about ready for it to just end. Sooner than later preferably. Maybe a zombie apocalypse, or just 2012.

I think I’m too tired to go on, I really am. With people, their judgment. With everything. With people being too stupid. With life being too much of a drama for no reason.

With everything.

I really wish it would all just end. Nothingness.

Maybe that’s why I’m so numb. I’m halfway there. Halfway dead already. I’m just waiting for my soul to completely leave my body. Go nowhere, just disappear.

Seriously.

I’m tired of this migraine headache being constantly there, in the corner of my head. Tired of being so pissed off at everyone and everything all the time. Tired of wanting to hurt people. Tired of doing it.

Tired of trying to punish as many people as I can. Tired of wanting to make people suffer.

Tired of suffering. Feeling the pain.

It doesn’t really matter anymore. I’m completely numb, anyway. I don’t feel human emotions or feelings. It’s wonderful, but sad.

It’s so sad, it’s funny. Laugh with me.

…

slowly but surely the drapery will fall

and we'll all be trapped under it until we suffocate and die

lol .. im probably not in the best mood to be bloggin right now, but here's to

everything I predicted already .. the ending up dying alone? it's going to happen one day

like with van gogh .. kurt cobain .. you know what im talking about.

but it seems like im going insane

because i feel no guilt, or remorse .. its like i have no feelings or emotions .. it's insane ..

it's like being so numb that I can't feel anything .. I think I'm really going crazy ..

as in turning into a lunatic .. the veil of sanity is slipping off faster than you'd think it could ..

lol., it's amazing I can still sound poetic being like this

but it's true .. i need serious help . . maybe this is my cry out to the world

or myself when im back on my feet .. that i need some serious being saved you know?

yeah .. before i go completely insane .. you know?

Build your cages, burn your bridges.

You’ve made me hate everything, and everyone in sight. Made me see what people are really like. On the deep down inside. How we want to just use people and end up doing it too, voluntarily – but mostly involuntarily. How mankind is doomed, and how everything you think is real isn’t. How people don’t really care about you – and how you should step over people before they step over you.

How a lot of things we assume exist or want to believe in, really don’t. Like a neverland, and a heaven or hell. Any of those things …

You’ve made me what I am today. The narcissistic, sadistic, egotistic, sexist – cynically depressed agnostic. You’ve played a very large role in creating me. You’re the person that probably could be held accountable for who and what I am today.

You’re the reason I ever really knew depression. Angst. Hate. Pain. Fear. Agony.

And the reason I still know what it feels like. And can still feel it, even though it was so long ago.

And we can burn down all old bridges, to create new ones.

But can we really?

How does it feel to be talked about so much in The Catcher in the Rye?

How can you be so stupid? How can you have your eyes shut so tight?

Why can’t you wake up and see the world for what it really is? Why do you have to believe that ignorance is bliss?

Why do you think everything is just as it seems? Why can’t your brain comprehend other possibilities?

Why can’t your thoughts wander? Why are you so afraid of question and standing against the current for a change?

Of breaking away, and developing a school of thought that is different, maybe? And unlike the thought process of the rest of the sheeple?

Why must you indulge in drama and emotions created and developed over time due to our lack of intelligence or knowledge?

There are so many other things to worry about. So much more.

The truth you’ve decided to just nod your head in unison with, your truth, has fallen apart. It’s collapsed in a heap of bullshit that it consisted of, and is scattered all over the floor. Everywhere. Like 12 inches of shit that just fell from the skies, it’s covering everything your eyes can see.

And so you believe it, because you either – 
     ~  Are too afraid to think for yourself/any other way.
     ~  Are too stupid to think for yourself/any other way.

But it’s ok, really. Congratulations, in fact, because you’re just like everyone else.

With your literal interpretations of Shakespeare, and your false theories and faux wisdom concerning life, art, and everything else.

Worrying about things that do not matter at all. Because you want to worry. Fighting your wars for nothing at all, because you want to have wars.

Take a minute right now. Think about all the things you’ve worried about or wasted brain cells on in the near past.
Does any of that matter? Does any of that really matter? Is it something you really want, or is it just an illusion that makes you think that you do?

Your sheep like behavior. The waking up, going to work/school, coming back home, getting good grades, keeping people happy. Do you really want to do it, or are you just being forced to?

Would you rather speak your mind and not do the same shit over and over every day, or be what you are right now?

A cog in the fucking system, just churning and keeping it all up and running.

With your constant need to be surrounded with drama and things going wrong. With your constant will to survive, but not knowing how to. With your constant need to be comforted by flesh and bone, and the need to have a finger to hold while you walk around aimlessly. Little did you know, that finger you’re holding on to is just as lost as you are. Or is leading you down a very dark tunnel, and not for your benefit either.

Sleeping awake, like you are right now. Ignorance is bliss, so you’re glad and you’re happy.

Congratulations world. You are a phony. And you don’t even know it.

All I’d do all day is be the Catcher in the Rye.

The world is so full of phonies.

Everyone. Each and every one of these people I’m sitting in class with.

Talking about Art. That’s what this class is about. It’s called Vocal Communications, but the professor just told us it’s about “Talking about and understanding art.”

But isn’t art subjective?

There’s a toilet seat, sitting in the Philadelphia Art Museum.

And it’s pretty much a big fuck You to modern art. The artist who came up with the idea is sheer genius.

Such phonies. Making comments on the damn picture.

The artist who drew this isn’t in the fucking room with us. How the fuck do we know what he was trying to portray?

Martyrdom, says the professor. But isn’t the only difference between suicide and martyrdom the press coverage?

All I want to do right now is walk out of this room and walk away.

From all of these phonies, from all these stupid interpretations.

All of this that doesn’t matter. Such a miniscule detail in this world so fucked.

Aeden doesn’t like it.

Aeden is trying, but Aeden can’t be a fake.

Can’t be phony.

All I want to do is be the Catcher in The Rye.

La seule chose que je veux etre, c’est L’attrape Coeur.

That’s all I’d do all day, be the Catcher in The Rye.

To every Holden Caulfield around the world.

And to never being phony.

(RIP J.D. Salinger. January 1, 1919 – January 27, 2010)

Houdini

I think people have started to wonder where I’ve disappeared off to.

But why wouldn’t I? My tales of melancholy, and depression aren’t entertaining enough anymore. I’ve lost comments and followers faster than I lose other things. And I lose things really fast. Sometimes I think I’m working on losing them. But that’s not the point.

I have nothing else to write about, really. I can’t publish fiction after fiction, just to please the masses. There’s this thin faded line in my life, that separates the fiction from the non-fiction, and sometimes I can’t tell the difference either.

And I can’t just write about being happiness. Not when I see no ultimate point in anything at all. Anything at all. Life, college, socializing, and public relations. Anything…

And it’s not my fault, really. I just don’t care anymore. About anything at all, really. I mean, I’m trying to, I really am … it’s not that I’ve just given up … but I don’t know what else to do.

But here’s how you can help; stop expecting shit. Seriously. From me. I’m as far from perfect as the sky is from the ground. I can’t please and entertain all the time. I know my life could be chronicled as a trilogy of books that would outsell Twilight, but seriously.

Something crazy must always happen. Shit must always hit the fan. Well, I’ve done that for a very long time, and I want to keep on the low for just a little while. It’s not that things have slowed down – it’s just that I’m not writing about it anymore. Because apparently it’s getting too dull. Not for me though, I still have my hands full.

It’s also that I can’t write about everything on the internet. Just won’t be a good idea. For me, of course. All of you would just love all of it. I’m pretty sure. Because it’s nothing short of a soap opera, my life, really.

But as the world turns I learned life is hell
Living in the world no different from a cell

Though I don't know why I chose to smoke sess
I guess that's the time when I'm not depressed
But I'm still depressed, and I ask “what's it worth?”
Ready to give up so I seek the Old Earth
Who explained working hard may help you maintain
to learn to overcome the heartaches and pain…

- C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)
Inspector Deck, Wu Tang Clan

But it just doesn’t work that way. I wish it did, but as I said earlier – the knowing is driving me insane. and I don’t have the advantage of stupidity.

But I guess you don’t want to read about that anymore, because I’ve already said it so many times – over and over. And over.

So, just wait for a miracle to take place, then. Maybe I’ll witness enlightenment and find joy in life or something. Yeah. Then I can write about rainbows and sunlight and other happy things.

Yeah.