A letter to you, sweetheart…

It’s funny how I let you take control over me, as so.

It’s beautiful, love.

How you torture me so, with these games you play.

This agony you put me through, playing with my darkest, deepest rooted fears and insecurities.

Treading on my dreams.

You don’t even realize it.

You don’t know what this side of the garden looks like, dear.

You never have, you never will.

What being insane feels like… what seeing life as poetry in motion feels like. And bear in mind please, that poetry isn’t what you – or everyone else thinks it is.

Hallmark cards don’t have anything to do with poetry, love.

I can try to take my time and teach you all of this. Teach you how the world works. Maybe you could’ve seen how my head works. My mind, that probably shouldn’t do so much work.

But I guess you don’t really want any of this, darling.

You never did, you never will.

I’ll just weep to this letter then, sugar.

A simple prop to occupy your time – is what I feel like I’ve always been.

But you don’t see that, babe. You never did, you never will.

Forgive me for all those times I never called, or wrote back. Something always came up.

I told you about my condition, right? So many times, I keep forgetting. But I’m sure to mention it to everyone, every time I meet them.

Rest assured, love.

All the scars on my wrists, only prove I’ll try again, love.

Ever since I became dude.

I still remember. I always will.

Don’t ask me why my hands are so cold, love.

Or why I crave to die so much, all the time.

Or why I crave to kill myself so much, all the time.

All the dying is spiritual, mental. It takes place several times a day, love.

All courtesy of you too, love.

You’re a part of my world, love. As joyous as that sounds.

My world is like a blurry picture, of a picture, of a picture, love.

And he keeps assuring me he’s only playing. But I keep telling him I still smell you on him, love.

Why would you do such a thing though? It’s all I’ve ever wanted to know.

Why. Why, much more than how. How is … subjective, as you so innocently put it, babe.

You mean the world to me. I thought I should let you know somewhere in between here. Always and forever.

Only you, love.

But I can’t get myself to forget to ask why… and I can’t forgive myself for it either…

So, won’t you be my sugar plum and write back to me please? Please tell me why, love.

Just once?

I’ll just sit and wallow with myself until then. You can watch if you want… you have a habit of doing just that, love…

I won’t beg to have your fingers run through my mane again.

Just let me float in nothingness forever, please?

I don’t see why you didn’t just let it happen to begin with.

I mean, why poke the pond for no reason? I was just laying there, calm, with no cares in the world.

Except for the worry of myself. The worry I’ve carried for so long. So long, love.

So long, and goodbye.

I’m sorry for most of it, I suppose. Isn’t that what you’ve been expecting for so long, love?

It’s not like you ever really wanted anything more.

I’ve kneeled. I hope you’re happy now, love.

Played my part, I guess.

I didn’t ever feel bad tossing cigarette buds to the ground after I was done with them.

Why should you?

Don’t sweat it, babe. I’ll be perfectly fine, cut up and a mess.

Served cold.

As cold as this winter, love. Or the winter we had together. Where I couldn’t have withstood being out in the cold, if it wasn’t you I was out for.

Or that time you put me to sleep, and I couldn’t believe my sheer luck. It got me regretting not believing in luck.

Poetic justice, love.

It all is. It always has been, it always will be.

I’m going to stop talking now, love. I just wish I could do it while you were in front of me.

But you wouldn’t want any of this, anyway…

I hope you still did, but you don’t…

I mean… at least I got to see you smile from so close…