Benefits, and the Doubts.

Life is suddenly very depressing. For the moment only, I know that much. But it still is. I can't quite put my finger on it either.

Maybe it's just a moodswing that I'm have, thanks to Bipolar Disorder. Or maybe it's because I'm still getting used to being so far away from the life that I was used to and was living for, well, all of it till now. It is NOT easy to change lifestyles like I have. Really. Specially when the place you're moving to is Completely different than the place you came from. And quite literally on the other side of the world.

But I'm coping, I guess. I opted to, didn't I? Or have now, anyway. It's weird really. When I get thoughts like "What was I thinking?!", because almost instantly I remember my pledge to 'never regret a thing'. It's hard, contradicting yourself, having an arguement inside your head. It's like Stephen King said in this novel of his I've been reading, called Cell. The protagonist refers to times like these, as the times where the rat that's held inside the cage in his head gets free and starts nibbling at things. And he wants not that rat to get out of the cage. And In that light I guess, I'm trying to keep my rat in it's cage too. And God, do I hate rats. Metaphoric and real, alike.

I have taken care of all my problems concerning college. Gotten my schedule, and my classes straight. Taken care of the money I had to pay the bloodsuckers, and am content when it comes to that. But as soon as a window closes, a door opens, isn't it? And it's ironic that preachers and priests use that line so many times, but no one wonders or asks what those doors and windows really signify. Maybe new opportunities and a new sense of optimism, sure, but what stops those doors and windows to just, participate in the hectic cycle of life? I believe everyone goes through the same difficulties, takes the same tests everyone else takes in life. They're just under different cicrumstances, and you can't really see unless you stop looking at the many obstacles involved, and focus on the bigger picture; We are living an exam. Yes, college students around the world, we really are. Pity.

I was coming out of a building in college today for a cigarette, and this man talking on a bluetooth headset came out right behind me and said Assalam Aliaikum. I said Wallaikum Assalam and continued walking, reaching in my pockets for the pack of Marlboro Lights. The man, in his mid thirties probably, hadn't shaved for a few days apparently, and wore moderate clothes. African-American, and Muslim, apparently. He quickly caught my attention, asking me if I was muslim. I said, yeah, I was. He grabbed my hand, introduced himself, and started asking for mine. I told him my name, and guess what? As soon as I did, he started his story. Telling me about how his car broke down, something about the police, a Muslim foundation nearby, and his pregnant wife. In between were chunks of Allah - Praising. And at the end of his monlogue? Money asking. And I swear, I felt like I was hypnotized. I just couldn't do anything. Maybe it was a mind trick he played on me, maybe my hands were held (or actually not so much) because they reached for my wallet without my complete consent. I couldn't do anything. I opened my wallet and handed him 20 dollars. I didn't want to, five minutes later, I'm being honest. But I did it, the minute he said I should. I should because he's a muslim in need. And I should in the name of God. But I don't really think that's the only reason I did what I did. Hell, to be completely honest, I don't even think It was me who pulled that 20 dollar bill out and handed it to a complete stranger. He actually jumped with joy, praising the skies, thanking me only once, but thanking the All Mighty a million times, walking off and fading in the horizon. After I watched him go, I looked up to the sky and a voice in my head said : You better be looking.

Then came the cigarette, and the wondering why that man Really needed the money. I wish for my sake, and more for his actually, that his story Was actually true. Even if I didn't even hear much of it. And I hoped, that because I gave away money when I had enough to spend, that when I run out of it, I wouldn't have to go through what this man was going through. No matter what it was. Because he wouldn't really be asking for money if he had any, no matter what he needs it for. i jus t never want to be in that position.

Was that man lying? Was he jumping for joy over the thought of how much crack or marijuana he could buy now? Or did he really need that money for whatever reasons he gave while I was trying to figure out how long it would take for him to leave me smoke in peace? I will never find out. And neither will you people, will you? Congratulations, you've been involuntarily entered in this riddle I came across.

How do you know that all this actually did happen? We just have to grant the benefit of the doubt sometimes, don't we. And that is how, I think, we all minimize - or ignore- acknowledging that we live through so many lies ... I don't lie though. Because the punishment for lying, isn't hell. Not until we witness afterlife anyway. In this life? The punishment you get for lying, is simple. Simple enough for one quote to explain it; "A thief thinks the whole world steals."
And I'm just not too big on stealing.