This is only half of my life. The one I have been living here.
Complete with a different personality, no sense of belonging in the back of my head, and independence without choice.
Not so black and white, of course, but that's the gist of it.
This is only half of my life, the other half is lived elsewhere.
To a culture completely different, with interactions completely different and a personality completely different. The dynamics of my behavior change, the dynamics of my relationships with people change.
I want different things, I strive for different things and I aim to achieve and attain different tasks, goals and accomplishments. Depending on the norm, depending on what everyone else seems to be doing, and depending on whatever is deemed more important by the respective society.
I just have to do as the Romans do.
That will never change. Neither side of the equation will get to see what the other side looks like, and this is by design. Mostly by design.
I generally like being accepted by people in both lives, and I want to keep it that way. The alienation, culture shock and snapping in and out of character should be my own burden to carry and no one else's. Neither can I tell how anyone will react to indulging and finding out about my other existence, so it is perhaps something best left untouched. It has been working so far, if you can call it 'working.'
This may never change.
They say there's the part of you, or side of you, that's always hidden from the rest of the world. I suppose I have three, then, two hidden at all times, depending on where I am.
This, perhaps, makes it harder for people who are trying to connect on a level above just "acquaintance."
You can't be told everything that goes in this head, obviously. But it's not just things I hide from everyone in the world, it's the other life.
Do you think this makes it harder? Probably.
But this too is my own burden to carry. My own insecurities perhaps, nothing anyone else should bother with.
We're all hiding something or the other, but it's a little different when we're different people without people's knowledge.
Especially those who think they know you well, or want to. But it's not easy to make the drapery fall, or make it all go away.
It's not easy to part from a defense mechanism so established and enforced over the times. Something so concrete and existent on many more levels than just the conscious.
Something that seems so necessary and important. As to not alienate and drive people away by things they don't understand.
The irony shouldn't be lost on anyone then, when the exact opposite ends up happening.
Complete with a different personality, no sense of belonging in the back of my head, and independence without choice.
Not so black and white, of course, but that's the gist of it.
This is only half of my life, the other half is lived elsewhere.
To a culture completely different, with interactions completely different and a personality completely different. The dynamics of my behavior change, the dynamics of my relationships with people change.
I want different things, I strive for different things and I aim to achieve and attain different tasks, goals and accomplishments. Depending on the norm, depending on what everyone else seems to be doing, and depending on whatever is deemed more important by the respective society.
I just have to do as the Romans do.
That will never change. Neither side of the equation will get to see what the other side looks like, and this is by design. Mostly by design.
I generally like being accepted by people in both lives, and I want to keep it that way. The alienation, culture shock and snapping in and out of character should be my own burden to carry and no one else's. Neither can I tell how anyone will react to indulging and finding out about my other existence, so it is perhaps something best left untouched. It has been working so far, if you can call it 'working.'
This may never change.
They say there's the part of you, or side of you, that's always hidden from the rest of the world. I suppose I have three, then, two hidden at all times, depending on where I am.
This, perhaps, makes it harder for people who are trying to connect on a level above just "acquaintance."
You can't be told everything that goes in this head, obviously. But it's not just things I hide from everyone in the world, it's the other life.
Do you think this makes it harder? Probably.
But this too is my own burden to carry. My own insecurities perhaps, nothing anyone else should bother with.
We're all hiding something or the other, but it's a little different when we're different people without people's knowledge.
Especially those who think they know you well, or want to. But it's not easy to make the drapery fall, or make it all go away.
It's not easy to part from a defense mechanism so established and enforced over the times. Something so concrete and existent on many more levels than just the conscious.
Something that seems so necessary and important. As to not alienate and drive people away by things they don't understand.
The irony shouldn't be lost on anyone then, when the exact opposite ends up happening.
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