"Twisted Nerve"

There comes a time in every dude's life when he has to stop being about all fun and games and start thinking about life.

About where it's taking them. Whether they want to be pulled on a leash, or take charge of it.

Good God, who knew the leash was to a runaway train on fire?

Here's a theory by yours truly.

The longer you delay on taking charge of the leash, it keeps on stacking up. Until one day, you realize, the cute puppy at the end of the leash has turned into a run away train. And it's lit up like a christmas tree, complete with it's own bonfire.

It hits you like a brick. Square in the chest.
What have I been doing?

Personally, I've never taken anything seriously ... I liked to think of it as Ataraxia. The greek term, meaning complete freedom from worry. Nirvana, if you may. The creame a'la creame of all pleasures... nothing to think about.

God knows how wrong I was ...

Take this line from "machiavellianism" which relates to me on a whole new level now:
"My End, Justifies my Means ... All I Ever Do Is Delay ..."

All I ever did was delay.

The plane is still on the runaway, awaiting take off, and I'm already gulping down martinis. Maybe I'm just worrying too much ... it can't be too bad, right?

Right ... Being a control freak, the perfect nightmare is to realize that you have no control.
And I'm a Control Freak ...

Freaked out, apparently, because I have to;

1. Look for a Job, to prove a point to my parents. And probably myself.
2. Give a Microsoft Exam ... and actually study for it. Please God, give me the willpower to ...
3. Start figuring out where I'm going with all of this ...
4. Get back in control. Be content with life once again.

It's all happening so fast ... really, really fast ... someone pull the damn chain on this thing, please.

I actually have to give a thought to forming a band with my friends ... I never thought I'd have to actually think about a decision like this ... this is, what I would've said yes to on the spot, a few days ago. And now there's so much to do, I don't know how to go on about it and get things done ...

Maybe I'm just stressing too much. I actually turn my room upside down, only because I can't find my set of keys ... I end up breaking things, and making a mess, and the sense of relief I get when I do find what I'm looking for : That's Nirvana on earth for me.

So maybe I should just relax ... the universe will unfold itself, right? It actually feels good to think that way, to write it down ... to try, to assure myself that I'm right.

I wish I still had that inside me ... not giving a shit. But something tells me this is bigger. Something tells me I owe this to Myself, most importantly.

"Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is spiritual.
Our depression is our lives."

- Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club.