This Fire Burns

You can only be backed into a corner so far down, before you decide you want to push back at the world.

How long does it take for a match stick to break in your hands when you apply a force to it? Not very long.

This is different though. The day I start reconsidering myself as a match stick, I know I've gone down again. There's no turning back.

So I sat in the dark, hating myself and hating everything. But this hate wasn't working. This hate was aimed at myself. Redirected to myself.

But now I see the light. You can only hate yourself for so long. Channel your hate into a rage, and unleash it. There is no satisfaction like the satisfaction of breaking free.

And I'm there now. I'm free from guilt, I'm free from sadness/depression/melancholia. None of this is my fault ... not any more anyway.

This Fire Burns.
Backed into a corner
with no where to go
there used to be a man here
who suffered fate's blow

no longer does he live
drowned in a pool of loss
no longer is he saddened
anger is his only thought

no longer does he feel sorry
or sad because of fate
The only thing left standing
is the fire of hate

----

"There are two sides to anger. On one hand it can be the cause of tremendous pain and suffering. It can turn into hatred or violence in the blink of an eye and destroy everything we love and care about, or it can turn inward and become bitterness and despair. The later of course just eats us up from the inside until we break down or break apart."

Don't accept sympathy. No more excuses.Vent your anger with compassion.Do nothing with your anger for 24 hours.

Am I happy? Yes.
There's always a price though... I might end up hurting people. But what the hell, I'm tired of hurting myself for so long. I've given away enough chances...

Am I falling into pieces? No. I'm just rising from the ashes in a bright fire. I'm a pheonix.

Train of Thoughts

I was wondering if I would come across any more proof of Insanity ... or just Bipolar Disorder, for now ...

Here's a concept I termed "Train Of Thoughts"

Your head gets filled with so many ideas, all at once (or sometimes, just one) and you start thinking about that idea, or ideas, so fast that you lose focus over real time (of what's going on around you) . It's a symptom of Bipolar II.

It's like a runaway train of thoughts ... am I making sense yet?
Let me share an experience with you.

A few days ago, I was with my family. When I started thinking about having a fight =\
Yeah ... I do not know where that thought came to my head from ...

No, wait ... *sigh* I know exactly why I felt that way ... I'm not going to disclose why, it's personal and something I haven't shared for 19 years now ... and that's how it's staying.

So yeah, I wanted to blow open someone's head, and see their blood spattered on the wall.
Lol, I'm just kidding ... about the splattered blood and all ... got ya though, didn't I?

It's happening right now as I type... Euphoria and something I like to call "Sugar Rush" ... (one of the symptoms of Bipolar ... bla bla)

Getting back to topic, I was walking with my parents when that thought hit me. And I got sooo into it, I actually saw it flash in front of my eyes. The scenario with a stranger where I smash his skull into a wall, and so on.

Before I realized it, I was walking a metre away from my parents, and hadn't realized it. I hadn't noticed that I'd starting walking a lot faster, and when I came back from my thought, I had no idea how I got there, or why. It felt like waking up from a dream and finding yourself standing in a crowd.

Yeah, that is exactly how it felt.

I've been having recurring thoughts of childhood ... all bad things, yes. Things I'm not very happy about, yes. Family and people close to me might know what I'm talking about. It's the thing I blame my bipolar disorder on ... and there's more, yes.

Sidetracking, it's ironic how sometimes I ask a chat bot on msn my horoscope, and he almost nails it right, too:


gemini horoscope for friday, september 21st, 2007:

" If things get too hard for you, dear Gemini, are you open to seeking out some counseling? Don't let pride or embarrassment get in the way of getting the support you need in your life when things get to be too much. Ever look in the yellow pages under this category? There are literally thousands available. This is because there's a great demand for these services! You're not alone and the sooner you take care of yourself, the quicker you'll get back on the right track. "

There's a "right track"?

Horoscope. Just the kind of faux wisdom/vague prophecy that I needed.

"Twisted Nerve"

There comes a time in every dude's life when he has to stop being about all fun and games and start thinking about life.

About where it's taking them. Whether they want to be pulled on a leash, or take charge of it.

Good God, who knew the leash was to a runaway train on fire?

Here's a theory by yours truly.

The longer you delay on taking charge of the leash, it keeps on stacking up. Until one day, you realize, the cute puppy at the end of the leash has turned into a run away train. And it's lit up like a christmas tree, complete with it's own bonfire.

It hits you like a brick. Square in the chest.
What have I been doing?

Personally, I've never taken anything seriously ... I liked to think of it as Ataraxia. The greek term, meaning complete freedom from worry. Nirvana, if you may. The creame a'la creame of all pleasures... nothing to think about.

God knows how wrong I was ...

Take this line from "machiavellianism" which relates to me on a whole new level now:
"My End, Justifies my Means ... All I Ever Do Is Delay ..."

All I ever did was delay.

The plane is still on the runaway, awaiting take off, and I'm already gulping down martinis. Maybe I'm just worrying too much ... it can't be too bad, right?

Right ... Being a control freak, the perfect nightmare is to realize that you have no control.
And I'm a Control Freak ...

Freaked out, apparently, because I have to;

1. Look for a Job, to prove a point to my parents. And probably myself.
2. Give a Microsoft Exam ... and actually study for it. Please God, give me the willpower to ...
3. Start figuring out where I'm going with all of this ...
4. Get back in control. Be content with life once again.

It's all happening so fast ... really, really fast ... someone pull the damn chain on this thing, please.

I actually have to give a thought to forming a band with my friends ... I never thought I'd have to actually think about a decision like this ... this is, what I would've said yes to on the spot, a few days ago. And now there's so much to do, I don't know how to go on about it and get things done ...

Maybe I'm just stressing too much. I actually turn my room upside down, only because I can't find my set of keys ... I end up breaking things, and making a mess, and the sense of relief I get when I do find what I'm looking for : That's Nirvana on earth for me.

So maybe I should just relax ... the universe will unfold itself, right? It actually feels good to think that way, to write it down ... to try, to assure myself that I'm right.

I wish I still had that inside me ... not giving a shit. But something tells me this is bigger. Something tells me I owe this to Myself, most importantly.

"Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is spiritual.
Our depression is our lives."

- Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club.