Wrath

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The things I treasure most in life ... cannot be taken away.

I'll have to look for another place
to hide all my belongings
I'll try to find all that I've lost
for so many years I've been longing

I've lost so much...
but the thing I miss the most is my sanity.

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I had a very weird dream last night, and I woke up really, really angry. But hey, at least I'm not depressed. Maybe I've found this way of channeling my depression/agony into wrath/anger.

Maybe I am sad. Sadness equals fear, equals anger. The equation of my life.

I decided to go nomad for a while, and just walk around my neighborhood for a while. It was ... satisfying. A pack of cigarettes, a troubled mind, the dry - hot Riyadh weather, and the breeze of wind to make sure you remember it's still winter. This is what made my "walk" satisfying.

Oh, and then of course was the feeling of being completely lonely, that gives me this other feeling. It's not a bad feeling, or maybe it is, but all I know is, I like it. Maybe it's my way of getting away from it all, or just my way of fulfilling my need to be cut off from the rest of the world for a couple of minutes. In my head, the space of my own. Where I go to think, or to stop thinking. They're both the same thing to me, because I start thinking for my sake, when I decide to stop thinking for (or about) everyone and everything else. I need space. My head is where I go to find it.

I was up a few nights in succession, and penned a few thoughts, scribbled a few lines. One thing I wrote down, which I remember right now, was;

"I write. I'm a 'poet'. Everything is art to me, and everything is poetic. Nature is art, and my life and me living it, is art too. And therefore I stay sad ... But I can't complain. It's just poetic justice."

Being sad, being an indirect reference to being Bipolar.

So bipolar ... but I owe my life to it, in a sense. Bear in mind, I'm not judging my life or explaining if it is satisfactory or not. You decide. I have made a mental note, an objective, to stick to it and not worry if it's up to par or not. Because the leash is in my hand, and I can steer ... then why complain? As far as writing down my thoughts of this thunderstorm in my head is concerned ... that's what I do. Don't think of it as complaining, this makes me happy for a while. Having a place to let go off your thoughts is a luxury ... knowing how to, is a gift. And I like luxuries. I'm thankful for my gifts.

Loose Ends

I don't know what to say .. I don't know what to write ..

This is the 100th post .. and it was supposed to be a big happy one, but .. no, it's not a sad one either.

*writer's block*

I'm editing this post .. I deleted what I wrote here yesterday, and I'm going to start over today from this point ..

I have a list I'd like to make here .. to share a little wisdom, or to just give some insight on how I see things. Some points, that I've noticed reign true in life:

• "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be" is a quote straight from the books ... and only for, the books. In reality, even if you set your 'love' free, and it does come back? You're going to kill it yourself ...
• I push away everything I have. I've pushed away my parents. I'm pushing away my friends. I've pushed away everything I always wanted ... and I'm pushing away life ...
• Happiness is just a state of mind. True happiness doesn't exist. There is no true happiness. You can not achieve true happiness. It's a myth .. a lie.
• They say time teaches you everything ... however one thing it can never teach you is not to be hurt. No matter how many times you've been hurt, whenever something happens to hurt you .. it feels new all over again ..
• It's fear that gives men wings. It's also fear that takes away from you everything you have ... fear turns into anger ... anger ends with regret ...
• There is no 'undo' button ... yes, you learn from your mistakes. But there's no going back. Only forward ... to make more mistakes, eventually.
• Life is a lesson ... you learn it when you're through.
• Only love can heal a wounded heart. And why not? It's love that wounds it to begin with.
• In this time, in this world, you have to learn not to love someone a 100% .. not to submit completely, not to give in to love, not to trust ... don't make that mistake. And since love has been altered like that, it's not 'love' anymore ... true love doesn't exist.
• People that are close to you claim they'll stay with you even when you're sad ... that's a lie. Don't show people you're weakness ... don't show them you're hurt, vulnerable, and sad .. you'll either be taken advantage of, or left alone with your vulnerability ...
• People fail to notice, it's depression and fear that's the root of all anger. When someone's angry at you, that's when they need you the most ... ironically, that's when people decide to leave you ...
• People that claim to love you should know what you want when you do ... but apparently when you're asking the wrong way, they're the first to leave ...
• Everyone's got a story to tell ... and unfortunately, everyone's also got their own reasons, and their own compulsion to do what they do ...
• Usually in depression, you just want to sleep. Forget everything, and close your mind. Irony is a bitch. That's exactly when you can't fall asleep.
• Usually in depression, when you realize you haven't eaten since long ... the bitch, irony, steps in and you can't digest food anymore ...
• You push away everything, mostly when you need what you push away. I would sue irony.
• You don't realize what you've done wrong till long after. You don't realize who you should've trusted since long after. You don't realize what you should've kept, till long after. Unfortunately, till long after usually means ... for the rest of your life.
• If you have a tendecy of forgiving and completely trusting people ... people will never forgive you back, and no one trusts you.
• They say people can be judged within minutes. It usually takes thems "till long after" to realize they've made the wrong judgement about me, though ... In an intense hate relationship with the word Irony now.
• Justice is not a word. Words have meanings.
• No feeling like the feeling you get when you try to fix something, and it crumbles in your hands, falling through your fingers like sand ... or sharp steel razors, actually.
• You realize you want to push everything away once you realize the world's just a big lie. Once you realize, you're living a lie ... and once you realize you've been living a lie, all your life.
• People will tell you what to do in your moment of shame, pain and agony. But one big reason why it doesn't work; they're not the ones going through it. You have to face the storm, to realize how cold and destructive it really is.
• When people see someone in pain and trouble, and help them. It's not because they care. It's because they don't want the guilt of not helping them ... and so they try to help them as soon as they can, so it's over with soon. Basically they're just helping yourself. No one helps someone else, ever.
• A depressed mind is the worst author. Not in the literal sense of the word "worst" though ...
• True, authors try to make readers happy. But marketing sadness, and packaging it to sell it, is famous for working in this world.
• We're all feeding our own depressions inside us, to gain some importance in this big vast, sad world.
  "Our generation has no great wars, no great depressions. Our wars are spiritual, our depressions are our lives" - Chuck Palahniuk.
• People that make no mistakes, are not actually doing anything.
• "Look at the mistakes of others as mildly as if they were your own." Chinese proverb that didn't make it big because it's a fish eat fish world. An eye for an eye, and so everyone is blind.
• There's a reason and meaning for everything. Everything.
• Don't ever promise what you can't fulfill ...