A few of the best Rap and Hip Hop Beats/Instrumentals.

Yes, I’m taking this approach to blogging. Why? Because I can. It’s a part of my universe that isn’t highlighted as often as I’d like to. The part that revolves around music. It’s most of my world, in that context. Funny I don’t write about it as often. But I should start. And so I am.

Even if a person doesn’t listen to rap and hip hop, you can rest assured they realize that rap and hip hop is close to, if not already dead. With outlandish things like auto-tune and Lil Wayne, I should probably think twice before I call it rap and hip hop music anymore.

But there used to be a time, where music wasn’t completely pointless and not about having sex with ‘bitches’ and having a large bank account. Not that I’m going to talk about rap music in great detail, but only a few very good songs with very good music in the background. And the lyrics will be meaningful too every now and then. In no particular order, this list, so don’t think I’m evaluating anything.

High Til’ I Die – Tupac Shakur
Apart from singing about killing people and living a tough life – Tupac also wrote songs about drugs. And this one is probably my favorite. Off of the Sunset Park OST – high til’ I die is a good song to be blazing to. Or just sitting back and listening to.  Tupac’s lyrics are top notch, and the music does more than compliment them. It’s also the life of the song.

 

C.R.E.A.M. (cash rules everything around me) – Wu Tang Clan
Anyone that knew me, also probably knew after reading the title of this post, that this song was going to be making the list. I love this beat so much, I can actually play it on a piano and guitar both.

One of the best beats I’ve ever heard, The RZA borrows this from “As Long As I’ve Got You” by The Charmels. The Charmels couldn’t have

predicted that the piano intro to their song would go on to spawn a rap song, but it did. In fact, the type of music in both songs is so different, it’s hard to imagine either contributing to create the other.

Also worth listening to is the instrumental to the Wu Tang song, by El Michels Affair.

 

The Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuttin ta fuck wit. I couldn’t resist, sorry.

Flashing Lights – Kanye West
It’s not an old song, Kanye West is probably not the best rapper, and the genre’ is debatable too. But one thing is for certain – the fact that the beat Kanye managed to come up with is both very catchy, and very beautiful. Off of his album ‘Graduation’ – his lyrics and music both seemed to have evolved, which is a very good thing indeed. This song also provides us with something to miss, after 808 and Heartbreak.

 

We Got More – Shock G. ft. Luniz

I’m not quite sure what this song is about, but I am fairly certain it involves smoking marijuana. And therefore, I will listen to it. Another thing that helps a great deal is the beat. I’m sure if you’re an appreciator of good music and blazing, you will come to love this song as much as I do.

 

 The Breakdown – People Under The Stairs
I couldn’t find a youtube video with The Breakdown by People Under The Stairs, so I’m putting up just the audio. And I underwent all the extra effort, because this list would definitely be incomplete if I didn’t put this song in here. One of the best beats I’ve ever heard, this is a very underrated song that has actually helped me go to sleep a lot of times. A must hear, if you’re a fan of good music.

Whenimondamic - Lootpack
Mellow, soothing to the ears, and beautiful, is what this song is. They don’t make rap like this anymore, and you

should appreciate getting to hear this song. As with the Shock G song above, I’m certainly lost most of the time – when it comes to the lyrics. Some of it just plain and simply doesn’t make much sense – but it doesn’t matter. With a beat so well developed, I couldn’t care less. Although, I more than certainly get what the following line means:
“But if wild child dies, before wild child wakes, I pray to God to step down and take down all them fake MCs. Pretty please.”

Why You Wanna – T.I. / Favorite Drug – Styles P

This song has been my ringtone for the longest time now, and has a whopping 101 plays on my iTunes. That’s much more than any other song I have.  A sample of a slowed down keyboard chord from Crystal Water’s “Gypsy Woman”, it was used not only by T.I. for this song – but also rapper Styles P for “Favorite Drug.” Each rapper has tweaked the beat to their own

liking, and I can’t decide which one is better. Even though I probably prefer T.I.s’ version, it’s undeniable that the song is all about … having sex with a particular female and getting her to break up with her current boyfriend(?)

T.I. is one of the best rappers I’ve heard, and is definitely good with lyrics. It’s the fact that he raps about things like … having sex with females and getting them to break up with their boyfriend … that leaves the mind to ask for more meaningful things. But I’m not complaining with a beat so good.

 

Still Dre – Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Dogg

The first time I paid attention to this song was while being really high. It played on a friend’s phone, and I recognized the beat, but it was the first time I actually listened to it and paid attention. I was hooked right away, and first thing I did when I got home was to get the song.

This list would be incomplete if this song wasn’t mentioned, and you’ve probably heard it too. A classic, and a very good song to blaze to.

Game Over (Go Big Or Go Home Boy) – Doomtree
I recently ventured and looked around for good independent and non-mainstream rap songs, only because of how much better they are, due to the fact that artists creating these wonders are not aiming to get on the radio. Or even if they are, they’re not aiming for the sheeple that listen to the crap the radio plays today. And it’s a very good thing. One listen to Doomtree’s ‘Game Over’ and you’ll agree.

 

All Eyez On Me – Tupac / Street Dreams – Nas
Another instrumental that was used by two rappers, and that too, two of the

most well known rappers in the business. Need I say more?

One of Tupac’s best songs, in my opinion anyway. Tupac and Nas both made apparent changes to the beat, and it’s arguable which one I like better. They’re both really good, and that’s why they’re both here.

Hero – Nas ft. Keri Hilson
It’s ridiculous how good this beat is. So good that I learned how to play it on the piano, and also how to recreate it using Fruity Loops.

Also note how subtle Keri Hilson’s role in the song is, yet it would be missed if it wasn’t there.

A very underrated 2008 song, you shouldn’t not listen to this if you like rap music.

Superman, The Real Slim Shady, White America, Guilty Conscience – Eminem
I’m putting Eminem in this list, just for the sake of having Eminem on this list. Truth. It would be too hard on my conscience if I made a list concerning rap and hip hop and didn’t somehow squeeze Eminem in. Not that he doesn’t have any bad beats, in fact – each song I listed above, and many more, are very well written and produced. Eminem is a lyrical genius, Dr. Dre is a beast when it comes to music production, and the two work so brilliantly well, that whatever Eminem has to spit – Dre can masterfully weave music around it. Take his songs about hating on his promiscuous exs’ and then a song about murdering people and holding up a convenience store for proof.

I could go on with a lot more songs, and I’m probably missing/forgetting a few. These ten/twelve tracks should be sufficient to keep you going for now, though. Look forward to more lists, reviews, and what nots’ in the future. =]

Censorship and Art.

"Let's agree to disagree."

Censorship in Art was the topic of discussion in my Art 101 (also known as Visual Communications) class, on Wednesday and Friday.

First, let me tell you what I think of the class. A bunch of people that have no clue what they're talking about - with the opportunity to sound like stuck up pretentious yuppies - that can put two and two together, when they look at a painting. Or 'work of art' as my teacher likes to call it.

But similar to other things, I have an issue with that too. First of all, how in God's name do we know that the painter, photographer, or simply 'artist', whose 'work of art' we are shredding to pieces really did pour down his or her emotions/feelings, rather than just splatter paint on the canvas. Really.

Second of all, we're supposed to be learning how to interpret the stuff. Issue a) that I mentioned above comes into play again. Issue b) is, we can get close, but can we really 'interpret' what the 'artist' was trying to portray? Probably not, because half of the 'artists' we talk about are dead.

Anyway. Censorship is retarded. That's what I think about censorship. Why, you ask?

First, if it's political censorship - then that's just it. That's the reason. The truth deserves ... no, it needs to be out there, even if it's not political censorship. And if it is, then yeah, everyone needs to know what's really going on.

Second, if it's censorship due to a racial or religious issue - which it usually is - then seriously. What is censorship going to do?

There is a picture called "Piss Christ," and "Yo Momma's Last Supper" - both of which were censored. But the respective artists still gained notoriety and fame. Do you know why? Probably just because, they were censored, because really - the 'work of art' weren't, actually. Works of art, I mean.

You say to someone; "Did you see that new controversial painting?! No one should ever see it! It's disgusting!"

And the someone you are talking to, first thing they do is - go home and google it.

Do you see what I'm talking about? The only way racism, and other things that offend people, will completely go away - is if people stop making such a fucking deal out of them, and just completely let it go. Try not to get riled up about things. And even if you do, just stop paying attention and move on. That's the only way things that really offend you will go away. And I said that in class, too. To which most people tried to disagree and share their feelings and thoughts. Then I made a come back with logic, and somehow they got what I was saying - and decided to shut up.

Then - there was the other thing that pissed me off.

The pictures "Piss Christ" and "Yo Momma's Last Supper" pissed people off, and they thought that the censorship of those pictures was appropriate. Then they were shown the bombing of this huge Buddha sand statue in Afghanistan. The Taliban in Afghanistan thought it was a part of western culture, that they didn't want in their country anymore and so they blew it up.

And after seeing that in class, people muttered things like, "Oh, that's just stupid," and "why would they do that?"

Because they fucking could, that's why, geniuses.

But here's what's grinding my gears about that. Why was that not ok, if the censorship of 'Piss Christ' was? No matter what the reason for censorship, it's still censorship at the end of the day, right? How can people not get that? If you like to believe and claim that everyone has their rights, then how can you take that away from them by censoring their work? You fucking can't and shouldn't.

But as always, people are too stupid to figure that out. It's sad, but true. And that's why we're all always offended and crying.

It's not much a matter of growing up, as it is just getting a little smarter. Wait, maybe those things are actually just one.

See what I did there? Yup.

Superman

I don't wanna flip when I see you with guys,
Too much pride,
Between you and I,
Not a jealous man, but females lie,
But I guess that's just what sluts do,
How could it ever be just us two?
Never loved you enough to trust you,
We just met and I just fucked you.
But I do know one thing though,
Bitches they come they go,
Saturday through Sunday, Monday,
Monday through Sunday, yo'.

Nevermore.

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

- The Raven, Edgar Allan Poe.

How about you,

Talk to the hand, 'cuz the face ain't listening.

Thank you, come again.

How does it feel? =]

Knowing that I held you in the palm of my hands, while you thought it was the other way around?

Or that, I could make your world come crashing down as so. Play God with your life.

I bet it sucks. I heard you cried your eyes out and everything.

But why didn't you expect it? Can't you see that you deserved it?

I'm a man that does what I feel is right, and only God can judge me.

It's just a pity for you, that I have the power to fuck shit up for you - when you want to do what you want to do.

But hey, it was only because I wasn't too happy.

And you wouldn't like me when I'm not happy. I don't turn into a big green monster, but even the Hulk couldn't have fucked as much shit up as I probably have, don't you agree?

Aah, I love myself. And my uncanny ability to be so brilliantly deceptive. So sly, so guile. Change colors, be two-faced, all that. Because sometimes? You just have to be. I bet you agree.

It's just a pity for you, that I'm much better at what you thought you were doing.

But hey. You should've expected it. Because I'm not like everyone else out there. I thought you realized that.

And if you didn't, well, you definitely do now. =]

Hope your valentine's day was wonderful, because mine was spectacular.

I made shit hit the fan. Stirred things a little.

And you know how you kept saying "fuck my life," and I kept asking you not to, because you don't have a reason to? Now you do. You can say fuck my life all you want now, isn't that great?

It's good to be constantly throwing my middle finger up in the air.

I would like to dedicate this song to you too. Juttni by Billy X.

Is you happy?

I woke up with my head still groggy, and heavy. It took me a while to recollect last night, and not even all of it – just tid bits that I think were important.

I covered up my eyes from the vile sunshine pouring in through the windows, that burnt in my eye, causing adrenalin to be produced when my body clearly didn’t want it. It only gave me more of a headache.

I tried getting out of bed, and spotted my pack of cigarettes – so I lit one. And then sat down to think about last night again.

I faintly remember going around and telling everyone how awesome they are. And also how short life is. And how they shouldn’t be sad, no matter what. Even random strangers I met later, when I stepped outside to smoke. And everyone seemed to agree. It was weird how everyone was so much more nicer.

Tylenol, I hear, helps during times like these. Maybe I’ll give it a shot. –groan- .. I don’t even want to hear the word shot, for another week.

It can’t rain forever.

Try not to get depressed by the following, I’m not. I’ve accepted things for what they are, and am just trying to make sense.

I don’t see the point anymore.

In anything.

In living, in relationships, in life as a whole.

I think I’m about ready for it to just end. Sooner than later preferably. Maybe a zombie apocalypse, or just 2012.

I think I’m too tired to go on, I really am. With people, their judgment. With everything. With people being too stupid. With life being too much of a drama for no reason.

With everything.

I really wish it would all just end. Nothingness.

Maybe that’s why I’m so numb. I’m halfway there. Halfway dead already. I’m just waiting for my soul to completely leave my body. Go nowhere, just disappear.

Seriously.

I’m tired of this migraine headache being constantly there, in the corner of my head. Tired of being so pissed off at everyone and everything all the time. Tired of wanting to hurt people. Tired of doing it.

Tired of trying to punish as many people as I can. Tired of wanting to make people suffer.

Tired of suffering. Feeling the pain.

It doesn’t really matter anymore. I’m completely numb, anyway. I don’t feel human emotions or feelings. It’s wonderful, but sad.

It’s so sad, it’s funny. Laugh with me.

…

slowly but surely the drapery will fall

and we'll all be trapped under it until we suffocate and die

lol .. im probably not in the best mood to be bloggin right now, but here's to

everything I predicted already .. the ending up dying alone? it's going to happen one day

like with van gogh .. kurt cobain .. you know what im talking about.

but it seems like im going insane

because i feel no guilt, or remorse .. its like i have no feelings or emotions .. it's insane ..

it's like being so numb that I can't feel anything .. I think I'm really going crazy ..

as in turning into a lunatic .. the veil of sanity is slipping off faster than you'd think it could ..

lol., it's amazing I can still sound poetic being like this

but it's true .. i need serious help . . maybe this is my cry out to the world

or myself when im back on my feet .. that i need some serious being saved you know?

yeah .. before i go completely insane .. you know?

Build your cages, burn your bridges.

You’ve made me hate everything, and everyone in sight. Made me see what people are really like. On the deep down inside. How we want to just use people and end up doing it too, voluntarily – but mostly involuntarily. How mankind is doomed, and how everything you think is real isn’t. How people don’t really care about you – and how you should step over people before they step over you.

How a lot of things we assume exist or want to believe in, really don’t. Like a neverland, and a heaven or hell. Any of those things …

You’ve made me what I am today. The narcissistic, sadistic, egotistic, sexist – cynically depressed agnostic. You’ve played a very large role in creating me. You’re the person that probably could be held accountable for who and what I am today.

You’re the reason I ever really knew depression. Angst. Hate. Pain. Fear. Agony.

And the reason I still know what it feels like. And can still feel it, even though it was so long ago.

And we can burn down all old bridges, to create new ones.

But can we really?

How does it feel to be talked about so much in The Catcher in the Rye?

How can you be so stupid? How can you have your eyes shut so tight?

Why can’t you wake up and see the world for what it really is? Why do you have to believe that ignorance is bliss?

Why do you think everything is just as it seems? Why can’t your brain comprehend other possibilities?

Why can’t your thoughts wander? Why are you so afraid of question and standing against the current for a change?

Of breaking away, and developing a school of thought that is different, maybe? And unlike the thought process of the rest of the sheeple?

Why must you indulge in drama and emotions created and developed over time due to our lack of intelligence or knowledge?

There are so many other things to worry about. So much more.

The truth you’ve decided to just nod your head in unison with, your truth, has fallen apart. It’s collapsed in a heap of bullshit that it consisted of, and is scattered all over the floor. Everywhere. Like 12 inches of shit that just fell from the skies, it’s covering everything your eyes can see.

And so you believe it, because you either – 
     ~  Are too afraid to think for yourself/any other way.
     ~  Are too stupid to think for yourself/any other way.

But it’s ok, really. Congratulations, in fact, because you’re just like everyone else.

With your literal interpretations of Shakespeare, and your false theories and faux wisdom concerning life, art, and everything else.

Worrying about things that do not matter at all. Because you want to worry. Fighting your wars for nothing at all, because you want to have wars.

Take a minute right now. Think about all the things you’ve worried about or wasted brain cells on in the near past.
Does any of that matter? Does any of that really matter? Is it something you really want, or is it just an illusion that makes you think that you do?

Your sheep like behavior. The waking up, going to work/school, coming back home, getting good grades, keeping people happy. Do you really want to do it, or are you just being forced to?

Would you rather speak your mind and not do the same shit over and over every day, or be what you are right now?

A cog in the fucking system, just churning and keeping it all up and running.

With your constant need to be surrounded with drama and things going wrong. With your constant will to survive, but not knowing how to. With your constant need to be comforted by flesh and bone, and the need to have a finger to hold while you walk around aimlessly. Little did you know, that finger you’re holding on to is just as lost as you are. Or is leading you down a very dark tunnel, and not for your benefit either.

Sleeping awake, like you are right now. Ignorance is bliss, so you’re glad and you’re happy.

Congratulations world. You are a phony. And you don’t even know it.

All I’d do all day is be the Catcher in the Rye.

The world is so full of phonies.

Everyone. Each and every one of these people I’m sitting in class with.

Talking about Art. That’s what this class is about. It’s called Vocal Communications, but the professor just told us it’s about “Talking about and understanding art.”

But isn’t art subjective?

There’s a toilet seat, sitting in the Philadelphia Art Museum.

And it’s pretty much a big fuck You to modern art. The artist who came up with the idea is sheer genius.

Such phonies. Making comments on the damn picture.

The artist who drew this isn’t in the fucking room with us. How the fuck do we know what he was trying to portray?

Martyrdom, says the professor. But isn’t the only difference between suicide and martyrdom the press coverage?

All I want to do right now is walk out of this room and walk away.

From all of these phonies, from all these stupid interpretations.

All of this that doesn’t matter. Such a miniscule detail in this world so fucked.

Aeden doesn’t like it.

Aeden is trying, but Aeden can’t be a fake.

Can’t be phony.

All I want to do is be the Catcher in The Rye.

La seule chose que je veux etre, c’est L’attrape Coeur.

That’s all I’d do all day, be the Catcher in The Rye.

To every Holden Caulfield around the world.

And to never being phony.

(RIP J.D. Salinger. January 1, 1919 – January 27, 2010)

Houdini

I think people have started to wonder where I’ve disappeared off to.

But why wouldn’t I? My tales of melancholy, and depression aren’t entertaining enough anymore. I’ve lost comments and followers faster than I lose other things. And I lose things really fast. Sometimes I think I’m working on losing them. But that’s not the point.

I have nothing else to write about, really. I can’t publish fiction after fiction, just to please the masses. There’s this thin faded line in my life, that separates the fiction from the non-fiction, and sometimes I can’t tell the difference either.

And I can’t just write about being happiness. Not when I see no ultimate point in anything at all. Anything at all. Life, college, socializing, and public relations. Anything…

And it’s not my fault, really. I just don’t care anymore. About anything at all, really. I mean, I’m trying to, I really am … it’s not that I’ve just given up … but I don’t know what else to do.

But here’s how you can help; stop expecting shit. Seriously. From me. I’m as far from perfect as the sky is from the ground. I can’t please and entertain all the time. I know my life could be chronicled as a trilogy of books that would outsell Twilight, but seriously.

Something crazy must always happen. Shit must always hit the fan. Well, I’ve done that for a very long time, and I want to keep on the low for just a little while. It’s not that things have slowed down – it’s just that I’m not writing about it anymore. Because apparently it’s getting too dull. Not for me though, I still have my hands full.

It’s also that I can’t write about everything on the internet. Just won’t be a good idea. For me, of course. All of you would just love all of it. I’m pretty sure. Because it’s nothing short of a soap opera, my life, really.

But as the world turns I learned life is hell
Living in the world no different from a cell

Though I don't know why I chose to smoke sess
I guess that's the time when I'm not depressed
But I'm still depressed, and I ask “what's it worth?”
Ready to give up so I seek the Old Earth
Who explained working hard may help you maintain
to learn to overcome the heartaches and pain…

- C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)
Inspector Deck, Wu Tang Clan

But it just doesn’t work that way. I wish it did, but as I said earlier – the knowing is driving me insane. and I don’t have the advantage of stupidity.

But I guess you don’t want to read about that anymore, because I’ve already said it so many times – over and over. And over.

So, just wait for a miracle to take place, then. Maybe I’ll witness enlightenment and find joy in life or something. Yeah. Then I can write about rainbows and sunlight and other happy things.

Yeah.

Myself to think about.

What is this obsession I have with loneliness?

It's the only thing I seem to attract the most.

All the fake faces. Acquaintances. Friends. And with nothing to show or feel comfortable next to at the end of the day. Except the cold hard exterior of myself, with an internal void so deep ... a thought process so shallow ...

At the end of the day, with nothing or no one to turn to.

I must do this to myself. There is no other explanation.

And then I get labeled lucky. Do you see why I have a problem with that term? Luck?

The grass is always greener on the other side to you fucking sheeple. Always.

You are forced to label things, it's just how our petty minds work. Right? To make things convenient for ourselves, it's just another step we have to take. Absolutely have to.

Does it ever really occur to you, why things are how they are?

Do you ever try thinking about it? Or thinking at all, for that matter?

About what or how other people feel, maybe. What goes on in their mind?

Maybe, if you weren't so fucking busy crying over your own story.

Well, guess what. Everyone's got a story to tell, and I'm tired of lending my ears and shoulders.

Think of the mistakes of others as your own for a change, and you'll realize how fucking terrible you all really are.

As far as I'm concerned - you can go fuck yourself.

And THEN I'll be lucky. When I really, REALLY, have just myself to worry about.

Aeden Durante’s Inferno

[La Commedia di Aiden]

"My name is Aiden. That’s all the personal information I’m going to share. Even if the rest of my story seems even more personal then my name, you won’t know for certain who I am. Or how my mind works. You can try, though. I know I have, it just never seems to work. Figure myself out, I mean. I can’t do it. Maybe you can.

Let me tell you a bit more about myself. Make things just a little more easier for you.

I realized at a very young age, how stupid everyone can be. And even though I realize stupidity and intelligence are subjective to judge or classify people by, I still hold the deep thought, that everyone could’ve been smarter. Maybe it’s just the fact, that everyone has their eyes so tightly closed. That they can’t see things for what or how they really are.

I’m void of most human emotions. I don’t necessarily feel sorry for people. Don’t most of the time, in fact. I try to, but it never seems to work. I’m narcissistic. I love myself. I have a huge ego. I don’t care much about what other people think, or about other people at all, really. I don’t care about much, in general, in fact.

I don’t think there are innocent people. I don’t think there are guilty people. I just think there are people that do things people like, and then things people don’t like. And if you’re caught with the bad end of the stick, then it probably is your fault somehow. If you really have to blame someone, I believe it should be divided equally at the middle, for everyone.

I don’t think I have it in me to love people. Or fall in love. I don’t generally believe in the whole idea or concept, really. I believe people are stupid for believing the text book definition of love. It’s things like shakespeare plays which make fools out of us.

I truly believe that the only thing that really makes me happy, is a lot of money. And spending a lot of money. Not just on myself, though. Just in general. Spending money on other people makes me happy too. Not as much as spending it on myself does, but you get the idea, right? I’m not very stingy with money. I don’t mind passing it along, if I have enough to keep myself happy.

But sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have enough to keep me happy. See, human beings don’t like being happy it seems. I solely believe that too. I believe we want wars, and to be depressed and sad. It makes much more sense.

I see people’s weaknesses clearly as soon as I meet them. I can read people inside out. Know how they feel about things. Deduce their habits, their way of thinking. Figure out what I can do to offend them. Figure out what I can do to be on their best side. Figure out what I can do, to manipulate them. It’s very easy, really. Minutes after meeting you, I’ll know exactly what it is you’re looking for in the world. And then I can pretend to give it to you … so you can give me what I want.

I believe no matter how much a person has, there is always something missing. And you give someone that, and you’re basically holding them in the palm of your hand. No matter who the person is. Everyone wants something.

But the problem is , I don’t know what I want. I’ve tried figuring it out. But I really can’t tell. Because I don’t think it’s ever possible for anyone to be completely happy or content. So maybe I’ve given up on trying.

All I know is.. I’ve consumed a lot of pain and suffering for things that were both my fault, and weren’t my fault. And now I feel it ok to pass it on. Share the hurt. Inflict the pain so you can see it too.

For what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.

And I think you should appreciate me trying to make you stronger."

How far from the past.

I asked my mom where all my old books were, and she told me. So I decided to go take a look after all this while … after too long, really …

All my books from my childhood … most of them belonged to my dad. And most of them, probably too inappropriate for a child to be reading. But them being the only books I could get my hands on at that age, I didn’t let that stop me.

All the books I furiously went through during my growing up … as if I was looking for something specific, but keeping everything I was coming across with me, just in case. And it’s all stuck, even if you can’t see it. But it’s all I consist of.

Books whose pages will fall apart in a few more years. But I really hope they don’t. They smell like … they smell like years and years of knowledge. Information. Tales of human suffering, love, triumph, revenge, happiness … and my childhood, of course. All of it.

The pages have turned several shades of brown, and the dust sticks to your fingertips. I sat there, smiling. And I don’t know why I was smiling, but I was. I just sat there staring at them for a while. Then running my fingers through all of them … and as many pages as I could. And then flipping through the pages, and sniffing the insides. –sigh-

I remember reading this detective novel about a murder. The Screaming Virgin, it was called, I think. Because it started with a naked female standing on a rooftop, screaming.  I think I was 13 or 14 when I read it. Yeah.

All my old encyclopedias. Colorful books, with drawings I did inside. Ruined them, pretty much. But read them while ruining them, so it kinda worked out. Cooking books I used to stare inside as a child. I used to stare into any book you hand me. For hours and hours. Because they were the only things I really owned when I was little.

I would lay on the floor and stare inside a book, every other day. Sometimes the same one, over and over again.

Now my mind is occupied with things that don’t matter as much. A part of growing up to nothingness I guess. We all do it, don’t we?

I’m diagnosed with ADHD by the way. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. In case you don’t already know. You probably do.

Add that to the list.

I’m going to go insane, I can see it now. I just hope it takes some time.

I have started tumbling. I guess, that’s what it should be called? Here’s my Tumblr.

Sitting down with all my old books in my hands, I felt like the Danish I seem to have lost somewhere down the road.

You know, the optimist that thought the world was a happy place. Where you should be all right as long as you treat everyone all right.

Yeah, the Danish who had his eyes closed just like all the sheeple of the world. Like what I did there? I’m going to do it more often, just a heads up. Sheep, People, Sheeple.

Life was comfortable, with my eyes closed. I didn’t fear going insane. I didn’t have this burden in my hand. I didn’t have much to think about.

The knowing is driving me insane. Holding me down, being my burden. Making me lose sleep, all the thinking.

I saw American Psycho a few hours ago. Patrick Bateman reminded me of myself so much. You should see the movie, if you haven’t already.

I’m deviating. Going to blame it on ADHD. And, uh, have nothing else to say, really. I wanted to blog so bad but I just couldn’t get myself to. Then it just happened. This just happened. I’m glad.

I’m glad you’re reading this, too. Thank you. You’re pretty much one of the reason I do all this. The other reason is me, myself. For the sake of sanity. Or maintaining whatever I have left of it.

~ Much love. Danish Arif.

Why the fuck can’t we smoke in the bar?

xt says, today I found out my friend Ali is gay. And that Danish is the biggest jerkoff in the world. While Saad and Sarmad are also gay, they like staying in the closet until the right moment comes.

Ali says, I’m so proud to be mentioned in Danish’s blog. And xt’s blog sucks big time… http://saad.tblog.com

Sarmad says, Danish is the biggest hypocrite I’ve met. I’m playing Call of Duty. (xt adds for sam – and these guys are drilling my ass.)

Saad says, I have nothing to say.

Danish says, disregard everything everyone said.

Cloths of Heaven

Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

- William Butler Yeats

This is why I don't ever get sleep.

Most of the time, when I say something and people decide to argue or raise a question - the sole reason I never reply or answer back is because, the answer is so ridiculously easy to figure out, and the whole argument therefore is so idiotic, that I don't feel like wasting any time even contemplating and then writing down an answer. So I just stop thinking about it in the next second or two. Literally.

But, as I toss and turn in bed, I suddenly started thinking about Luck again, and a few questions ArfawLuv decided to raise. And so, I'm going to answer them. Yawn.

Arfa Said:

If you're not lucky, explain how you got all that you do?

The luxuries of life, latest gadgets and whatnot, how would you say you have them?

Easy.

As pie.

The luxuries of life, latest gadgets and 'what not', how would I say I have them? See my dad, right, worked his ass off most of his life to make money. That money in return, buys me the luxuries of life, the latest gadgets, and what not. Everything else that you see? Me studying in Philadelphia? Yes, my dad funds it, but you can't just get into a college sitting on your ass, and a lot of money in your bank account. In fact, I didn't have any of that a year or two ago. See, to get into college, you actually have to pull off a few feats yourself. And even bigger feats than that, to get an american visa.

Now, you might argue - that it was my dad that worked the most for all the things I have today. But if you look closely enough, you'll realize, my dad wouldn't do all that for me if I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do either. It's a two way road, and I keep my parents happy so that my parents keep me happy.

As materialistic, and cold hearted as that might sound, trust me - it's not, it's just how human kind basically works.

I know a lot of rich ass parents that treat their kids like crap. But it's ok, because their kids treat them like crap too.

And how I will be treated by my kids (if I ever choose to have them - the chances are bleak though) depends on how I treat my parents.

My parents are happy. I'm happy. End of discussion.

Why must we insist on creating false, imaginary, intangible forces and completely ignore the ones that exist? Even if it's involuntary, I'm not forgiving, even if it's due to stupidity.

All stupidity maybe naive stupidity, but you're not off the hook for being naive.

Seriously.

Mankind, stop creating things just so life becomes convenient. Plz. Kthx. You have your iPhones. And weather forecast. You can order pizza from the couch. Is that not convenient enough? Do we really have to create things like Luck?

Oh, so if it happens your way, you did it on your own. But if it doesn't, then it just wasn't meant to be, right? You got unlucky, yeah, of course.

Everyone needs to see the movie Idiocracy. Or maybe just Wall-E if that's easier to understand. And convenient to get a hold of.

You see those fat humans connected to pods and what not? Yes, that is us. The near future. Except, there won't really be any robots or advancement in technology. No. That's the only part that won't come true.

Karma.

And a little of what I forgot to mention in my comment earlier: The law of attraction. As cliche' as that sounds, your world is how you create it in your head.

Life is like a balancing act. I have everything because I'm managing not to fall off.

Which brings me to another thing I was thinking of. The point of life, of course.

But I'm not going to put it up because of something my Dad said.

Something about people being stupid.

Oh, wait, did I? Yes, I just did. Why, Pardon me.

Nothing much at all.

dibelleva 5:52 am
what've you been up to?
Dquicksilvera 5:52 am
just ... yeah ... apart from thinking a lot, nothing much at all

It’s so easy. Life here. I love it, I really do.

With nothing to worry about. The other day, I was stressing about my laptop being unresponsive. And I realized how I’ve stopped worrying about such minor things … and that, if I am thinking about them now – it could only mean I don’t have bigger things to worry about.

But soon after, all that went out the window, and I had one of the most messed up days ever.

How messed up? Nicotine deprivation and a lot of anger. I remember gritting my teeth so hard, it gave me a headache.

I just saw Idiocracy though. It’s basically, about these two people that ‘hibernate’ in 2005, and wake up in 2055 to find that people have turned idiotic.

So yeah, it’s pretty much what I see the future as. Which is why I loved it.

I have a few more days left in Riyadh, it’s back to the shit hole then. –sigh- … I wouldn’t be lying if I said I don’t feel like going back, life is too easy here … too comfortable … you can’t blame me for enjoying it.

I didn’t know the new Sherlock Holmes movie was directed by Guy Ritchie. Which means I can’t miss it. Guy Ritchie is effing genius.

In the near future, I’m going to try and see the following movies:

Waking Life, Collateral, Vanilla Sky, The Machinist, eXistenZ, The Game, Cypher and Being John Malkovich.

On a side note, you know life isn’t perfect when – you starve yourself, just so you don’t crave cigarettes like you usually do after you eat.

Definitely not perfect.

Apathy, The Knowing, and Confusion.

I leave you with the rest of the conversation.

Dquicksilvera 6:23 am
I don't know how I've survived in philly for a year
being as cynical as I am, and not giving much of a crap about anything
being self destructive and what not
I don't think it's a good idea to be that way anymore ..
dibelleva 6:25 am
imo, neither do i
Dquicksilvera 6:25 am
but I can't help it
I need to find a motive to be alive soon
dibelleva 6:26 am
to spread ur evilness
Dquicksilvera 6:26 am
too many people already doing that
dibelleva 6:26 am
billions of people have lived, you may have to give up on originality lol
Dquicksilvera 6:27 am
See, that's so unoriginal too
dibelleva 6:27 am
just to prove my point
lol
Dquicksilvera 6:28 am
>_>