I don't know ... I really don't. I, am, probably the moodiest person I have ever met.
What does moody mean, anyway? Someone that is constantly sad, or someone that can't decide? I'm the latter, F.Y.I.
It's like ... it's like being drunk. Like being on your sofa the next day, but not knowing how you got there, or if there's anyone else in your apartment. I don't know how I would know how it is to be drunk, but I have a pretty good idea. A pretty, good idea.
So, I fall asleep at around 2.30 or 3, not sure, with a really bad headache, a fever, and a sore-throat that just won't fucking leave. But, I wake up at 6 with the light besides my bed on, somehow, and I'm wondering.
What the fuck?
It felt like my insomnia stage, all over again ... I just hope it's not here to stay.
So, I've noticed I can somehow manage to be really, really depressed, even while standing in between a large group of people. Large, as in, around 80 people. Yes, that is what I meant by large in case you were wondering 20 people, because you were wrong then. That's medium people ... (just had to make that funny)
So, for reasons I deem unnecessary to enclose, I was going through clinical depression while sitting at a concert. Go figure.
Maybe, just maybe, it was due to this group of dumbass f.o.b.s' playing Yaar Bina by Junoon. Or actually going to town on it. I felt like hanging myself and writing a letter addressed to the band, stating my reason for opting out of life so soon;
Dear Band Members,
You suck, I accidentaly heard you play, and I just couldn't take it.
Ps: you guys aren't that bad...
pss: I'm joking, you suck.
And for the rest of the world;
Dear World,
I just heard this sucky band (band website goes here) and I decided I couldn't take it anymore.
Ps: don't grant them any final wishes, they might ask to play for you.
Ok, enough poking fun at sucky musicians, but the real reason I'm out here is because I missed writing. That is basically it, I just missed writing.
I've been lying to myself, saying I don't need to because I'm not depressed anymore. What part was I lying about? The writing only because I'm depressed part, or the I'm Not Depressed part?
I saw someone in a dream two days ago, and it's just been downhill since then, really ... and I don't even know how that happened. I mean, it took me a year to get over it, and suddenly you ...
It's like seeing the Grimm Reaper after having a near death experience. Like seeing the Grimm Reaper, a Week, after having a near death experience.
You start praying for a day or two, you celebrate that you're still alive and that you got out so close, you tell yourself you're really lucky. And then after a week you find yourself standing in front of the angel of death himself (why is he called an Angel ... really ...) and you really must ask yourself. Why?
That is kinda like how it felt. *sigh*.
If only our system of asking for things from God, was a little like this;
You get 5 wishes every week, and you can ask for them any day of the week, at anytime. But just 5 things, and you're guranteed to get them.
Wow, everyone on earth would be the happiest person on earth ... but for a week only, though. Soon people would literally forget what happiness was. Because they wouldn't be sad.
Deep.
So, I picked up Sidney Sheldon's "Nothing Lasts Forever". I loved Sidney Sheldon. For all of you that don't know, Sidney Sheldon is actually a guy. Was, actually, may his soul rest in peace.
I've read so many Sidney Sheldon novels, I'm accustomed to his writing style. But that is what was so great about the man. And also the reason all of his books were Bestsellers. Because his writing style Never gave anything away. It was always unpredictable ...
Next, I thought of experimenting with a little Stephen King and finding out why people use cliche'd terms like "couldn't sleep all night, I accidentaly read a Stephen King novel"
But I still don't understand, really. Maybe because I got his rather, not so famous, work;
"Everything's Eventual" - 14 Dark Tales. Yes, short stories, written by Stephen King. heh.
and "Cell" .... one of his latest works. I haven't started reading it yet, but from what I've read in Everything's Eventual I have concluded:
It wasn't scary. Period.
Stephen King is a good storyteller, and maybe it's because I didn't pick up more popular works like The Rose Madder or It, that I didn't find anything keeping me up at night. Or, maybe it's because I don't even remember the last time I actually slept at Night. Heck, I've been up and it's 9.33 AM right now ... I should really hit the sack.
*Kisses his blog goodnight*
And goodnight, you.
Aug 22, 2008
Aug 16, 2008
Hungover
I'm trying so hard to get myself to write a little something on the blog. But it's hard, having a screwed up throat, fever, and a hangover from last night.
... *5 minutes of head scratching and wall staring* ...
'Nuff said.
... *5 minutes of head scratching and wall staring* ...
'Nuff said.
Jul 21, 2008
Craziness is underrated.
I tried cutting my own hair today, and learnt a valuable lesson.
Teenage rebellion and scissors should never be put together.
Although it doesn't look that bad, really. Ok, maybe it does scream out "this person tried cutting his own hair" or "this guy knows a blind barber" but still.
Which makes me think, does a barber cut his own hair or does he get someone else to do it? I've noticed if you tell a barber you got your previous haircut from some other barber, first he's going to thrash your hair cut and then ask why you didn't come to him earlier. Then how can their hair-cutting egos stand someone else touching their toupe'? Once I actually saw a barber cutting his own hair through a mirror ... see what I'm talking about?
I got the idea from this weeds episode where Silas cuts his own hair. And even though it's obvious he had a million dollar hair dresser cut it for him before the director said "action!", I thought if he could do it, so can I!
I'm not even going to elaborate on how wrong I was to make that assumption. Very wrong, should cut it. (no puns intended)
But there's a lesson to be learnt here.
Even though all males have the false idea that they can drive like Michael Schumacher and navigate like a GPS system, you have to realize, you can NOT cut your own hair.
Unless you were looking for the kind of hair I was looking for and suceeded! Craziness is underrated.
Teenage rebellion and scissors should never be put together.
Although it doesn't look that bad, really. Ok, maybe it does scream out "this person tried cutting his own hair" or "this guy knows a blind barber" but still.
Which makes me think, does a barber cut his own hair or does he get someone else to do it? I've noticed if you tell a barber you got your previous haircut from some other barber, first he's going to thrash your hair cut and then ask why you didn't come to him earlier. Then how can their hair-cutting egos stand someone else touching their toupe'? Once I actually saw a barber cutting his own hair through a mirror ... see what I'm talking about?
I got the idea from this weeds episode where Silas cuts his own hair. And even though it's obvious he had a million dollar hair dresser cut it for him before the director said "action!", I thought if he could do it, so can I!
I'm not even going to elaborate on how wrong I was to make that assumption. Very wrong, should cut it. (no puns intended)
But there's a lesson to be learnt here.
Even though all males have the false idea that they can drive like Michael Schumacher and navigate like a GPS system, you have to realize, you can NOT cut your own hair.
Unless you were looking for the kind of hair I was looking for and suceeded! Craziness is underrated.
Jul 12, 2008
Theft.
Theives should be burnt alive. Their hands shouldn't be cut off, they should be nailed to a wooden wall.
Some of my friends decided to wake me up, and pay me a visit. I obidiently, woke up, washed up, drank a glass of juice and proceeded to leave my house, only in time to remember I was leaving my cell phone at home.
So, I rushed back to my room, looked at both my Nokia N82 and Nokia E61i, which were both connected to a charger, and had this weird feeling. Should I really take both phones out? No, just one is necessary. So I grabbed the N82 and went downstairs.
So, I get in the car, say my His' and Hellos' and the driver starts driving. I spot this weird guy, just standing there as if he's waiting for something. Didn't really pay any attention to him, just acknowledged his presence.
So, we park the car, and my friend asks if I have any credit on my cell phone, because he was dry. I hand him my phone, he passes it on to the driver, who's window was rolled down.
In a matter of multiseconds, I hear someone running towards us. Before I could think, blink, or start my arsenal of verbal abuses, a figure wearing all black grabs the phone from the driver's hands and runs for it.
Hysteria. Confusion. A total loss of words. No, slash that. FUCK!
I saw it happening, I said to myself. Nothing can be done now, just let it slide Danish.
There went my phone ... my precious :(
But it wasn't all about the phone. It isn't. I've been promised a new phone, any that I put my fingers on, but that doesn't change the fact that someone just put his hands on MY phone and took off with it, the mother ...
What was his nationality, the mother? Does it really matter. Not like theives are of a specific ethincity. This one was saudi though. I've about had it with this country. *sigh*
People, keep your phones in your pockets!
Some of my friends decided to wake me up, and pay me a visit. I obidiently, woke up, washed up, drank a glass of juice and proceeded to leave my house, only in time to remember I was leaving my cell phone at home.
So, I rushed back to my room, looked at both my Nokia N82 and Nokia E61i, which were both connected to a charger, and had this weird feeling. Should I really take both phones out? No, just one is necessary. So I grabbed the N82 and went downstairs.
So, I get in the car, say my His' and Hellos' and the driver starts driving. I spot this weird guy, just standing there as if he's waiting for something. Didn't really pay any attention to him, just acknowledged his presence.
So, we park the car, and my friend asks if I have any credit on my cell phone, because he was dry. I hand him my phone, he passes it on to the driver, who's window was rolled down.
In a matter of multiseconds, I hear someone running towards us. Before I could think, blink, or start my arsenal of verbal abuses, a figure wearing all black grabs the phone from the driver's hands and runs for it.
Hysteria. Confusion. A total loss of words. No, slash that. FUCK!
I saw it happening, I said to myself. Nothing can be done now, just let it slide Danish.
There went my phone ... my precious :(
But it wasn't all about the phone. It isn't. I've been promised a new phone, any that I put my fingers on, but that doesn't change the fact that someone just put his hands on MY phone and took off with it, the mother ...
What was his nationality, the mother? Does it really matter. Not like theives are of a specific ethincity. This one was saudi though. I've about had it with this country. *sigh*
People, keep your phones in your pockets!
Jul 5, 2008
Lifestyle of Depression
I've just noticed. I get so depressed after opening my Windows Live Messenger window, to find over 20 contacts, with more than half of them having depressing personal messages.
It's human nature, maybe. Or at least it is mine, to get depressed when I'm surrounded by people in angst, or even if it's just one person with a problem. So what is the solution to that? Do I stop caring about the rest of the world and continue on with my life, being happy even if I see someone I rarely even talk to, being depressed with life?
That's more than just difficult, it sounds a lot easier to do, than it is to actually carry out. Am I even making sense to anyone right now, or is it just me that feels this way?
Maybe, we should all stop being depressed, look for the better things in life, and just create personal messages about happiness, keeping all our angst to ourselves. Think of it as an aura you give out, a beacon you send out to the universe. If you're sending out messages of hate or depression, what can you expect to get back from the universe?
If you're depressing the daylights out of everyone around you, how can you expect to be happy yourself?
We reap what we sow, and if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything turns into a nail. It's a lot better to look good, than to feel good. Even if you're just pretending to be happy for a while, you'll soon realize that you're not pretending anymore.
I'm not talking about bottling up your feelings, because that has dire effects, really, I know that by experience. But what we should do is, not let our depression and anger take the best of us on the long run. So you're angry or depressed, go ahead and break something or cry your heart out, but let it stop at that. Don't let your sadness take over the rest of your day, on the long run.
We only have such a little time to live, and no one is ever promised tomorrow ... what's the use of not having fun, in the now and here? Do you really want to waste every precious little moment you have, mourning over things?
I, personally, think life is too short to even blend it, let alone be cornered by depression and angst. Depression can soon turn into a lifestyle if you're not careful. I'm talking all by experience, believe me.
But in the end, of course, always know that your life is always in your own hands. Man writes his own fate. Our ends, justify our means.
Oh, and no need to take any of this seriously :) Life is too short to be taken seriously, too... lol. Just stop frowning if you missed your bus or burnt your toast early in the morning, you still have 3 more meals to think about and many more rides to catch ...
Hope everyone has a nice day!
Jul 2, 2008
Word Warrior
I just took the Classic IQ Test over at Tickle.com
And my result says:
Word Warrior
Your IQ Score is: 122
You are equipped with a verbal arsenal that enables you to understand complex issues and communicate on a particularly high level. These talents make you a Word Warrior.
Whether or not you recognize it, your vocabulary is your strongest suit—use it whenever you can. Since your command of words is so great, you are also a terrific communicator — able to articulate big ideas to just about anyone. Your wordsmithing prowess will also help in artistic and creative pursuits. The power of words translates to fresh ideas off paper too. Since you have so many words at your disposal, you are in a unique position to describe things in an original way, as well as see the future in your mind's eye. In short, your strengths allow you to be a visionary — able to extrapolate and come up with a multitude of fresh ideas. And you are in good company — bask in the brilliance of Word Warriors who have walked before you. William Shakespeare let loose the power of his pen. His ability to articulate the most subtle nuances of human nature and to create colorful characters are why his stories still have a major impact — even 400 years after he first wrote them. Whether you put pen to paper or use your understanding of the words around you to come up with creative approaches to problems, your potential as a Word Warrior is terrific.
---
How cool.
Other than that, I remembered a while ago I recieved some chain mail that said something about figuring out your personality based on your email address, looking at how you placed your underscores, how many there were, and if you used numbers in your email or not.
So, I grew curious as to find out what my email address meant (because I don't remember the result from that chain mail) and I googled for a while, but unfortunately I could not find the same exact thing.
What I did find, however, was what your personality says according to your domain name:
What Does Your Email Address Say About You?
Go ahead and check it out, even if it's not the most accurate, maybe you'll still find something to laugh at.
Oh, and if you do know where I can see the thing I was originally looking for, do tell me!
Jun 19, 2008
Metal Gear Solid 4 and Grand Theft Auto 4
Jaw dropping.
One of the many reasons to actually buy a sony playstation 3.
I am actually stumbling for words, while trying to describe Metal Gear Solid 4 and Grand Theft Auto 4. I know, I know, I'm sure you already realize the magnitude of this. These, video games. I'm also actually, wondering to myself if I should call them video games, because that makes it sound like 'just videogames' but this is a life changing experience. MGS 4 and GTA 4 will change lives ...
These two things you HAVE to experience. Seriously.
I can go on and on about what makes them so special, but let me make it short.
Imagine the most amazing and spectacular thing ever. Now multiply it with 10. There you go.
You can start breathing now.
- Danish989
One of the many reasons to actually buy a sony playstation 3.
I am actually stumbling for words, while trying to describe Metal Gear Solid 4 and Grand Theft Auto 4. I know, I know, I'm sure you already realize the magnitude of this. These, video games. I'm also actually, wondering to myself if I should call them video games, because that makes it sound like 'just videogames' but this is a life changing experience. MGS 4 and GTA 4 will change lives ...
These two things you HAVE to experience. Seriously.
I can go on and on about what makes them so special, but let me make it short.
Imagine the most amazing and spectacular thing ever. Now multiply it with 10. There you go.
You can start breathing now.
- Danish989
Blogging from within Firefox...
...with this Firefox Add On called ScribeFire.
www.scribefire.com
How, bloody neat. This is nothing new, I've used another blogging utility from within Firefox before, and that was almost the same as this (don't remember it's name, though) but what makes this one special is, that I installed it right in time with Firefox 3.
Yes, that's right, Mozilla Firefox 3. www.firefox.com for more information.
That's all for now!
Life is right now.
- Danish989.
www.scribefire.com
How, bloody neat. This is nothing new, I've used another blogging utility from within Firefox before, and that was almost the same as this (don't remember it's name, though) but what makes this one special is, that I installed it right in time with Firefox 3.
Yes, that's right, Mozilla Firefox 3. www.firefox.com for more information.
That's all for now!
Life is right now.
- Danish989.
Jun 16, 2008
Checking In
Ok, so I am finally installing Ubuntu on my laptop, but apparently my installation CD is messed up, and so installation stops in the middle and I have to rollback all hard disk resizing, and that too manually. Ok, sure. I also have a change of mind, and decide to install Ubuntu on top of Windows, like on my desktop system, but it will be stabler on the laptop, since this IS a Dell Latitude ... one of the many laptops specifically made to run Ubuntu. I mean, fine tweaked for Linux. How cool is that.
But guess what. Wubi, the Windows Ubuntu Installer, needs to download 600 MB of installation files (which make up the ISO which I burnt into the cd, which im running Wubi from) BUT ... there have been updates, and therefore, I have to wait 3 hours for the installation files to be downloaded. Ok, cool. So I decide to take my laptop to bed so I can lie down and watch an episode of Supernatural as download progresses. BUT, I accidently remove my wireless router's adapter from it's place, thus killing my laptop's wireless internet connection, and immaturely killing my download.
Ok, so I've come to the conclusion that I'll just install Wubi tommorow.
In other news, I'm not writing this in blogger right now, I'm using this Web Based, Full Screen, Word Processor. And the color scheme is bright green and black. Imagine staring at bright green text and black background for 10 minutes.
This thingy, can be found at: www.writer.bighugelabs.com
Moving on, notice the stars at the bottom of this blog post. Or any other blog post, actually. That's the new rating system I just implemented on my Blog! You can now rate posts on the fly. At least people with any brain power to evaluate a blog post can. Go ahead, try it out. In fact, go ahead and rate all the blog posts below this one. Hehe, thanks.
Like the new color scheme? Leave this post a comment.
May 28, 2008
The Dawning of the Rest, Of Our Lives! Again!! =D
Okay! It's officially been 19 Years!
Damn, it seems like yesterday when I wrote a very similar blog post, when I turned 18 ... it's been an year already. Wow. Time does fly when you're having fun.
I haven't really been giving this one any thought. I've turned 19 ... and I haven't really thought about it. In fact, I only found out when the 28th started. Oh me gosh, I'm turning 19 at 12 tonight!!
Hmm.. I'd like to thank, the academy. My parents, God All Mighty, my siblings, and Allll of my friends. All of them. YOU PEOPLE. Thank you once again for making another year so damn spectacular it could probably win an oscar for Best Drama ... lol, I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing. It was wonderful, really. YOU ROCK. Yes, you, sitting behind the keyboard with that random look on your face. You are f****ng Awesome, duuuude. Yay you!
So, here are some other things I'm thankful for:
1. The N82 My Dad bought me =D
2. How my friends wished me a happy birthday (and the whole surprise fiesco ... wow, this really was a shocking moment. No, seriously. I've never been so shocked in my life, and I believe everyone that witnessed it were to. But I can't tell you why ... lol)
3. Everyone that sms-ed :) Thank youu! Specially Sheeds, You're the best! You're sms made me laugh out loud :p but I'm sure you knew it would.
I'm thankful for this Laptop I'm using right now ... How much fun is this, I can write this blog post while lying down on the couch in front of the AC. Yay this laptop.
I'm thankful for my ps3 sitting right there, running GTA IV right now. That game is the bomb. The ps3 is the bomb.
I'm thankful for that N82 sitting on my desktop. That cell phone makes digital cameras want to go kill themselves.
And I'm thankful for everyone that's by my side Right Now.
Amiina! I loove you! *mmuah* You mean the world to me, and I thought you should know on this special blog post right here :)
My Friends and Family! Pijohn, Lala, Finky, Mahd, Mattarwa, Faisal, Geeboo ... people far away right now, Sheeds!! and Nobii!! and my Family; My parents, My Siblings; Monaki, Kumayo and Bumber. You people rock!! Oh, and God rocks to an Epic proportion. God goes first on the list.
And any names I haven't taken, don't think this isn't meant for you. If you're here reading this; THANK YOU, All this is for you too.
Wow ... :D Thanks for being so YOU, everyone. My life is AWESOME and you're part of it, which makes the 75% of it's awesomeness. The rest is all me though =D (gotta love yourself)
Oh, and uh, you know the drill. I'll take this time right here to wish a special person that shares their birthday with me. =) You know who you are, I hope you're as happy as I am and getting everything you've ever wanted. Happy Birthday.
Aah, and of course. Everyone can be a pain in the neck sometimes. If I've ever been, I'm sorry
=( No one's sure of how much longer we have to live, so if you're mad at me, please stop. I'm sorry you bums!
Aah, what else .... I'm glad I'm alive :) I'm thankful for being Alive. And I'm thankful for having YOU right besides me to share my life with. Thank You. I hope your day goes as great as mine. :)
Ooh, Ooh, this is my post, I can thank Greenday! For making such a f'n awesome song. HOLIDAY! Thank you, you crazy haired, tie wearing, music making, weirdos!!
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the Dawning of the Rest, of our Liiiives!
Damn, it seems like yesterday when I wrote a very similar blog post, when I turned 18 ... it's been an year already. Wow. Time does fly when you're having fun.
I haven't really been giving this one any thought. I've turned 19 ... and I haven't really thought about it. In fact, I only found out when the 28th started. Oh me gosh, I'm turning 19 at 12 tonight!!
Hmm.. I'd like to thank, the academy. My parents, God All Mighty, my siblings, and Allll of my friends. All of them. YOU PEOPLE. Thank you once again for making another year so damn spectacular it could probably win an oscar for Best Drama ... lol, I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing. It was wonderful, really. YOU ROCK. Yes, you, sitting behind the keyboard with that random look on your face. You are f****ng Awesome, duuuude. Yay you!
So, here are some other things I'm thankful for:
1. The N82 My Dad bought me =D
2. How my friends wished me a happy birthday (and the whole surprise fiesco ... wow, this really was a shocking moment. No, seriously. I've never been so shocked in my life, and I believe everyone that witnessed it were to. But I can't tell you why ... lol)
3. Everyone that sms-ed :) Thank youu! Specially Sheeds, You're the best! You're sms made me laugh out loud :p but I'm sure you knew it would.
I'm thankful for this Laptop I'm using right now ... How much fun is this, I can write this blog post while lying down on the couch in front of the AC. Yay this laptop.
I'm thankful for my ps3 sitting right there, running GTA IV right now. That game is the bomb. The ps3 is the bomb.
I'm thankful for that N82 sitting on my desktop. That cell phone makes digital cameras want to go kill themselves.
And I'm thankful for everyone that's by my side Right Now.
Amiina! I loove you! *mmuah* You mean the world to me, and I thought you should know on this special blog post right here :)
My Friends and Family! Pijohn, Lala, Finky, Mahd, Mattarwa, Faisal, Geeboo ... people far away right now, Sheeds!! and Nobii!! and my Family; My parents, My Siblings; Monaki, Kumayo and Bumber. You people rock!! Oh, and God rocks to an Epic proportion. God goes first on the list.
And any names I haven't taken, don't think this isn't meant for you. If you're here reading this; THANK YOU, All this is for you too.
Wow ... :D Thanks for being so YOU, everyone. My life is AWESOME and you're part of it, which makes the 75% of it's awesomeness. The rest is all me though =D (gotta love yourself)
Oh, and uh, you know the drill. I'll take this time right here to wish a special person that shares their birthday with me. =) You know who you are, I hope you're as happy as I am and getting everything you've ever wanted. Happy Birthday.
Aah, and of course. Everyone can be a pain in the neck sometimes. If I've ever been, I'm sorry
=( No one's sure of how much longer we have to live, so if you're mad at me, please stop. I'm sorry you bums!
Aah, what else .... I'm glad I'm alive :) I'm thankful for being Alive. And I'm thankful for having YOU right besides me to share my life with. Thank You. I hope your day goes as great as mine. :)
Ooh, Ooh, this is my post, I can thank Greenday! For making such a f'n awesome song. HOLIDAY! Thank you, you crazy haired, tie wearing, music making, weirdos!!
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the Dawning of the Rest, of our Liiiives!
May 23, 2008
An Immortality by Ezra Pound
An Immortality
Sing we for love and idleness,
Naught else is worth the having.
Though I have been in many a land,
There is naught else in living.
And I would rather have my sweet,
Though rose-leaves die of grieving,
Than do high deeds in Hungary
To pass all men's believing.
Ezra Pound
May 13, 2008
... what music is to the masses.
Quizzes are to interaction ...
I'm going to try something new here. Since I like asking questions, I'll give you a set of questions, and you have to answer each by writing in the comments. Then, in a day or two I'll put up everyone's answers (and including mine too) to decide on what everyone agrees to, or just how people generally think.
And to start things off, I'm going to pick Music as my first subject.
* The kind of music you think everyone should listen to.
* The kind of music you think should never be produced.
* The kind of music you think really revolutionized the way people look at things.
* The kind of music you think is really taking the world down with it.
* What's the best guitar solo you've ever heard? If you've ever heard one, that is.
* What is it that you used to listen to back in the days, and regret listening to, now?
* Okay, everyone has that particular thing they listen to but are ashamed to tell anyone. Maybe it just doesn't go with their ''image'' or maybe they just don't want people to know. What's yours?
* Do you have ideas, concerning music that you would like to share? Just a yes or no is fine.
That's it. Answers go in the comments. And then you get to see them and everyone else's (who took the quiz) here, in a few days.
I'm going to try something new here. Since I like asking questions, I'll give you a set of questions, and you have to answer each by writing in the comments. Then, in a day or two I'll put up everyone's answers (and including mine too) to decide on what everyone agrees to, or just how people generally think.
And to start things off, I'm going to pick Music as my first subject.
* The kind of music you think everyone should listen to.
* The kind of music you think should never be produced.
* The kind of music you think really revolutionized the way people look at things.
* The kind of music you think is really taking the world down with it.
* What's the best guitar solo you've ever heard? If you've ever heard one, that is.
* What is it that you used to listen to back in the days, and regret listening to, now?
* Okay, everyone has that particular thing they listen to but are ashamed to tell anyone. Maybe it just doesn't go with their ''image'' or maybe they just don't want people to know. What's yours?
* Do you have ideas, concerning music that you would like to share? Just a yes or no is fine.
That's it. Answers go in the comments. And then you get to see them and everyone else's (who took the quiz) here, in a few days.
Mine for the taking.
I don't mean to brag, but, I was thinking (out of the blue) about how I've gotten everything I have wanted, to this date. I mean everything. I can't think of a single time when I haven't been given what I've asked for. Or when I haven't achieved what I set out to achieve.
The feeling you get when you think of that is, satisfying. If I can get everything I've worked for till now, I can get everything I work for in the future. Optimism. (Luck sold separately)
I tried installing this Linux distribution a few days ago, called Ubuntu. And I did it using the easiest method (which the think tanks at the Ubuntu offices just thought up) called Wubi. A Windows Ubuntu Installer. Wubi. Touche'.
But alas, nothing is that easy. The first time around when I partitioned my hard disks to install Gutsy Gibbons (yes, that is what Ubuntu 7.04 is called... ubuntu, gutsy gibbons, I know right) the bootloader (called Grub ... surprised? really?) failed to recognize the hard disk it had to load Ubuntu from, all because of my two SATA hard disks that I connected a little time ago. Heh.
So I quickly formatted that partition, removed Ubuntu from the OS Choice Menu by fixing Window's MBR and then when Hardy Heron (which is Ubuntu 8.10) came out, it came packaged with Wubi. But that is flawed too. One faulty shutdown (by pressing in the power button) or faulty restart (with the restart button) and BAM. Your hard disks fail to mount. And that too, the one where Ubuntu is installed. So, no boot. Only this command line terminal (which is the built-in Debian shell) called Ash. Ash ... that one isn't that bad, actually ... weird.
So anyway. Now I await an answer from the Ubuntu Forums. And no one has any, really. Except the routine restart your computer and safely shut it down OR run Chkdsk /r on the cmd prompt. But that didn't work for me, now, did it. Heh.
Other than that, I've been keeping myself busy by finally coming to an end on my procrastination run, and finally filling out the forms to the Community College in Philly. Yay me.
Now, to complete this post, a random thought:
How much woodchuck the woodchuck chucks, is completely dependent on who the woodchuck is and what tree the wood is from ... How senseless is that question, then?
The feeling you get when you think of that is, satisfying. If I can get everything I've worked for till now, I can get everything I work for in the future. Optimism. (Luck sold separately)
I tried installing this Linux distribution a few days ago, called Ubuntu. And I did it using the easiest method (which the think tanks at the Ubuntu offices just thought up) called Wubi. A Windows Ubuntu Installer. Wubi. Touche'.
But alas, nothing is that easy. The first time around when I partitioned my hard disks to install Gutsy Gibbons (yes, that is what Ubuntu 7.04 is called... ubuntu, gutsy gibbons, I know right) the bootloader (called Grub ... surprised? really?) failed to recognize the hard disk it had to load Ubuntu from, all because of my two SATA hard disks that I connected a little time ago. Heh.
So I quickly formatted that partition, removed Ubuntu from the OS Choice Menu by fixing Window's MBR and then when Hardy Heron (which is Ubuntu 8.10) came out, it came packaged with Wubi. But that is flawed too. One faulty shutdown (by pressing in the power button) or faulty restart (with the restart button) and BAM. Your hard disks fail to mount. And that too, the one where Ubuntu is installed. So, no boot. Only this command line terminal (which is the built-in Debian shell) called Ash. Ash ... that one isn't that bad, actually ... weird.
So anyway. Now I await an answer from the Ubuntu Forums. And no one has any, really. Except the routine restart your computer and safely shut it down OR run Chkdsk /r on the cmd prompt. But that didn't work for me, now, did it. Heh.
Other than that, I've been keeping myself busy by finally coming to an end on my procrastination run, and finally filling out the forms to the Community College in Philly. Yay me.
Now, to complete this post, a random thought:
How much woodchuck the woodchuck chucks, is completely dependent on who the woodchuck is and what tree the wood is from ... How senseless is that question, then?
Feb 18, 2008
Wrath
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The things I treasure most in life ... cannot be taken away.
I'll have to look for another place
to hide all my belongings
I'll try to find all that I've lost
for so many years I've been longing
I've lost so much...
but the thing I miss the most is my sanity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had a very weird dream last night, and I woke up really, really angry. But hey, at least I'm not depressed. Maybe I've found this way of channeling my depression/agony into wrath/anger.
Maybe I am sad. Sadness equals fear, equals anger. The equation of my life.
I decided to go nomad for a while, and just walk around my neighborhood for a while. It was ... satisfying. A pack of cigarettes, a troubled mind, the dry - hot Riyadh weather, and the breeze of wind to make sure you remember it's still winter. This is what made my "walk" satisfying.
Oh, and then of course was the feeling of being completely lonely, that gives me this other feeling. It's not a bad feeling, or maybe it is, but all I know is, I like it. Maybe it's my way of getting away from it all, or just my way of fulfilling my need to be cut off from the rest of the world for a couple of minutes. In my head, the space of my own. Where I go to think, or to stop thinking. They're both the same thing to me, because I start thinking for my sake, when I decide to stop thinking for (or about) everyone and everything else. I need space. My head is where I go to find it.
I was up a few nights in succession, and penned a few thoughts, scribbled a few lines. One thing I wrote down, which I remember right now, was;
"I write. I'm a 'poet'. Everything is art to me, and everything is poetic. Nature is art, and my life and me living it, is art too. And therefore I stay sad ... But I can't complain. It's just poetic justice."
Being sad, being an indirect reference to being Bipolar.
So bipolar ... but I owe my life to it, in a sense. Bear in mind, I'm not judging my life or explaining if it is satisfactory or not. You decide. I have made a mental note, an objective, to stick to it and not worry if it's up to par or not. Because the leash is in my hand, and I can steer ... then why complain? As far as writing down my thoughts of this thunderstorm in my head is concerned ... that's what I do. Don't think of it as complaining, this makes me happy for a while. Having a place to let go off your thoughts is a luxury ... knowing how to, is a gift. And I like luxuries. I'm thankful for my gifts.
The things I treasure most in life ... cannot be taken away.
I'll have to look for another place
to hide all my belongings
I'll try to find all that I've lost
for so many years I've been longing
I've lost so much...
but the thing I miss the most is my sanity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had a very weird dream last night, and I woke up really, really angry. But hey, at least I'm not depressed. Maybe I've found this way of channeling my depression/agony into wrath/anger.
Maybe I am sad. Sadness equals fear, equals anger. The equation of my life.
I decided to go nomad for a while, and just walk around my neighborhood for a while. It was ... satisfying. A pack of cigarettes, a troubled mind, the dry - hot Riyadh weather, and the breeze of wind to make sure you remember it's still winter. This is what made my "walk" satisfying.
Oh, and then of course was the feeling of being completely lonely, that gives me this other feeling. It's not a bad feeling, or maybe it is, but all I know is, I like it. Maybe it's my way of getting away from it all, or just my way of fulfilling my need to be cut off from the rest of the world for a couple of minutes. In my head, the space of my own. Where I go to think, or to stop thinking. They're both the same thing to me, because I start thinking for my sake, when I decide to stop thinking for (or about) everyone and everything else. I need space. My head is where I go to find it.
I was up a few nights in succession, and penned a few thoughts, scribbled a few lines. One thing I wrote down, which I remember right now, was;
"I write. I'm a 'poet'. Everything is art to me, and everything is poetic. Nature is art, and my life and me living it, is art too. And therefore I stay sad ... But I can't complain. It's just poetic justice."
Being sad, being an indirect reference to being Bipolar.
So bipolar ... but I owe my life to it, in a sense. Bear in mind, I'm not judging my life or explaining if it is satisfactory or not. You decide. I have made a mental note, an objective, to stick to it and not worry if it's up to par or not. Because the leash is in my hand, and I can steer ... then why complain? As far as writing down my thoughts of this thunderstorm in my head is concerned ... that's what I do. Don't think of it as complaining, this makes me happy for a while. Having a place to let go off your thoughts is a luxury ... knowing how to, is a gift. And I like luxuries. I'm thankful for my gifts.
Feb 1, 2008
Loose Ends
I don't know what to say .. I don't know what to write ..
This is the 100th post .. and it was supposed to be a big happy one, but .. no, it's not a sad one either.
*writer's block*
I'm editing this post .. I deleted what I wrote here yesterday, and I'm going to start over today from this point ..
I have a list I'd like to make here .. to share a little wisdom, or to just give some insight on how I see things. Some points, that I've noticed reign true in life:
This is the 100th post .. and it was supposed to be a big happy one, but .. no, it's not a sad one either.
*writer's block*
I'm editing this post .. I deleted what I wrote here yesterday, and I'm going to start over today from this point ..
I have a list I'd like to make here .. to share a little wisdom, or to just give some insight on how I see things. Some points, that I've noticed reign true in life:
- "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be" is a quote straight from the books ... and only for, the books. In reality, even if you set your 'love' free, and it does come back? You're going to kill it yourself ...
- I push away everything I have. I've pushed away my parents. I'm pushing away my friends. I've pushed away everything I always wanted ... and I'm pushing away life ...
- Happiness is just a state of mind. True happiness doesn't exist. There is no true happiness. You can not achieve true happiness. It's a myth .. a lie.
- They say time teaches you everything ... however one thing it can never teach you is not to be hurt. No matter how many times you've been hurt, whenever something happens to hurt you .. it feels new all over again ..
- It's fear that gives men wings. It's also fear that takes away from you everything you have ... fear turns into anger ... anger ends with regret ...
- There is no 'undo' button ... yes, you learn from your mistakes. But there's no going back. Only forward ... to make more mistakes, eventually.
- Life is a lesson ... you learn it when you're through.
- Only love can heal a wounded heart. And why not? It's love that wounds it to begin with.
- In this time, in this world, you have to learn not to love someone a 100% .. not to submit completely, not to give in to love, not to trust ... don't make that mistake. And since love has been altered like that, it's not 'love' anymore ... true love doesn't exist.
- People that are close to you claim they'll stay with you even when you're sad ... that's a lie. Don't show people you're weakness ... don't show them you're hurt, vulnerable, and sad .. you'll either be taken advantage of, or left alone with your vulnerability ...
- People fail to notice, it's depression and fear that's the root of all anger. When someone's angry at you, that's when they need you the most ... ironically, that's when people decide to leave you ...
- People that claim to love you should know what you want when you do ... but apparently when you're asking the wrong way, they're the first to leave ...
- Everyone's got a story to tell ... and unfortunately, everyone's also got their own reasons, and their own compulsion to do what they do ...
- Usually in depression, you just want to sleep. Forget everything, and close your mind. Irony is a bitch. That's exactly when you can't fall asleep.
- Usually in depression, when you realize you haven't eaten since long ... the bitch, irony, steps in and you can't digest food anymore ...
- You push away everything, mostly when you need what you push away. I would sue irony.
- You don't realize what you've done wrong till long after. You don't realize who you should've trusted since long after. You don't realize what you should've kept, till long after. Unfortunately, till long after usually means ... for the rest of your life.
- If you have a tendecy of forgiving and completely trusting people ... people will never forgive you back, and no one trusts you.
- They say people can be judged within minutes. It usually takes thems "till long after" to realize they've made the wrong judgement about me, though ... In an intense hate relationship with the word Irony now.
- Justice is not a word. Words have meanings.
- No feeling like the feeling you get when you try to fix something, and it crumbles in your hands, falling through your fingers like sand ... or sharp steel razors, actually.
- You realize you want to push everything away once you realize the world's just a big lie. Once you realize, you're living a lie ... and once you realize you've been living a lie, all your life.
- People will tell you what to do in your moment of shame, pain and agony. But one big reason why it doesn't work; they're not the ones going through it. You have to face the storm, to realize how cold and destructive it really is.
- When people see someone in pain and trouble, and help them. It's not because they care. It's because they don't want the guilt of not helping them ... and so they try to help them as soon as they can, so it's over with soon. Basically they're just helping yourself. No one helps someone else, ever.
- A depressed mind is the worst author. Not in the literal sense of the word "worst" though ...
- True, authors try to make readers happy. But marketing sadness, and packaging it to sell it, is famous for working in this world.
- We're all feeding our own depressions inside us, to gain some importance in this big vast, sad world.
"Our generation has no great wars, no great depressions. Our wars are spiritual, our depressions are our lives" - Chuck Palahniuk. - People that make no mistakes, are not actually doing anything.
- "Look at the mistakes of others as mildly as if they were your own." Chinese proverb that didn't make it big because it's a fish eat fish world. An eye for an eye, and so everyone is blind.
- There's a reason and meaning for everything. Everything.
- Don't ever promise what you can't fulfill ...
Jan 19, 2008
Choices...
I hate choices. I've hated them all my life. It started with a fear ... the fear of making them, and the fear of being put in a decision, that had no positive outcome. The fear soon turned into anger, and produced this intense hate with word "Choose" ... between and amongst relations, most importantly.
The logic behind my hating choices isn't complicated as much as it is a difference in thinking. Different than any other, I believe there is no need to have choice. Look past choice, and wonder if you can have it both ... have it all, instead of limiting yourself to a number. I have a thing against limitations. My belief, that the whole world can be held into your hands ... as long as there are no limits ... and the first step is realization.
Of course, then again, I have had this comparison with Greek Philosopher Socrates made a couple of times ... they say his thoughts were different than all other philosophers ... so significant was his contribution, that everything else was either Post-Socrates or Pre-Socrates ...
If I can let you live life as you want to, I deserve the same. Honor me with what I ask, for it's not a lot ... I'm just asking to live my life ...
A Chinese Proverb goes a little something like
"Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own."
And in a more relative fashion, I'd like to quote the lyrics of Alice in Chains guitarist, Jerry Cantrell , for the Alice in Chains song, "Would";
"Into the flood again, same old trip it was back then ... So I made a big mistake ... try to see it once my way... Am I wrong? Have I run too far to get home?"
One fear I've always had was the fear of being lonely ... I've struggled with loneliness all my life ... as a child, when all I did was sit in my corner looking at the world pass me by. And then, when people decided to leave, ever so careless, I looked back at what I've become and wonder ...
Am I to blame? Is it all my fault? It has to be ... Since all chances are taken away in the blink of an eye ... people become careless to a lot of things, it's anger that makes them ...
I don't have anyone to blame ... I don't have anything to regret either, since I don't believe in regrets anymore ...
All I can do is blame myself ... for being so different, I guess ... for having my own thoughts and my own ways ...
... I have no choice.
The logic behind my hating choices isn't complicated as much as it is a difference in thinking. Different than any other, I believe there is no need to have choice. Look past choice, and wonder if you can have it both ... have it all, instead of limiting yourself to a number. I have a thing against limitations. My belief, that the whole world can be held into your hands ... as long as there are no limits ... and the first step is realization.
Of course, then again, I have had this comparison with Greek Philosopher Socrates made a couple of times ... they say his thoughts were different than all other philosophers ... so significant was his contribution, that everything else was either Post-Socrates or Pre-Socrates ...
If I can let you live life as you want to, I deserve the same. Honor me with what I ask, for it's not a lot ... I'm just asking to live my life ...
A Chinese Proverb goes a little something like
"Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own."
And in a more relative fashion, I'd like to quote the lyrics of Alice in Chains guitarist, Jerry Cantrell , for the Alice in Chains song, "Would";
"Into the flood again, same old trip it was back then ... So I made a big mistake ... try to see it once my way... Am I wrong? Have I run too far to get home?"
One fear I've always had was the fear of being lonely ... I've struggled with loneliness all my life ... as a child, when all I did was sit in my corner looking at the world pass me by. And then, when people decided to leave, ever so careless, I looked back at what I've become and wonder ...
Am I to blame? Is it all my fault? It has to be ... Since all chances are taken away in the blink of an eye ... people become careless to a lot of things, it's anger that makes them ...
I don't have anyone to blame ... I don't have anything to regret either, since I don't believe in regrets anymore ...
All I can do is blame myself ... for being so different, I guess ... for having my own thoughts and my own ways ...
... I have no choice.
Jan 12, 2008
2007
I remember I made a similar time line when 2006 started, right here on this blog. So, it's been another year already.
Year 2007 was a common year starting on Monday. In the Chinese Calendar, dates from February 18 onwards are in the Year of the Boar (or Pig)
Ongoing in 2007:
Deaths:
Year 2007 was a common year starting on Monday. In the Chinese Calendar, dates from February 18 onwards are in the Year of the Boar (or Pig)
Events of 2007
- January 10 - U.S. President George W. Bush announces a plan to station 21,500 additional troops in Iraq.
- January 12 - Comet McNaught, the brightest comet in over 40 years, makes perihelion.
- January 17 - Protests occur in India and the United Kingdom against the British series of Celebrity Big Brother after Jade Goody, Danielle Lloyd and Jo O'Meara were alleged to have been racially abusive towards Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty.
- January 17 - Hurricane force winds from storm Kyrill claim at least 40 lives in western Europe.
- January 30 - Microsoft releases Windows Vista and Office 2007
- February 2 - An unseasonal tornado in central Florida kills at least 20 people.
- February 3 - State of Emergency is declared in Indonesia after 'El Nino'-like flooding.
- February 11 - The 49th Annual Grammy Awards take place at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.
- March 3 - Total lunar eclipse.
- March 31 - Sydney, Australia, turns off its lights for 1 hour between 7:30pm and 8:30pm as a political statement for Global Climate Change.
- April 2 - Smoke ban in enclosed places in Wales
- April 11 - Al Qaeda claims responsibility for two bomb blasts in the Algerian capital of Algiers. At least 33 people have been killed and 222 others injured.
- April 17 - The Pound Sterling hits a 15-year high against the US dollar, breaking through the US$2 level for the first time since 1992.
- April 25 - The Burj Dubai reaches the height of the Sears Tower on its way to becoming the tallest building in the world.
- May 4 - Tornado strikes Greensburg, Kansas, killing at least 12 and destroying about 90% of the town.
- June 6 - Twelve people are killed by cyclone Gonu in Oman.
- June 8 - The Space Shuttle Atlantis successfully launched on mission STS-117.Launch of the Space Shuttle Atlantis
- June 25 - WWE wrestler Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy Benoit, and son Daniel, are found dead as the result of a murder-suicide that took place over the previous weekend.
- June 25 - Intense heatwaves begin to hit Southeast Europe as temperatures reach 46c in Bulgaria and Greece.
- June 28 - In the aftermath of Greece's worst heatwave in a century, at least 11 people are reported dead from heatstroke, approximately 200 wildfires break out nationwide, and the country's electricity grid nearly collapses due to record breaking demand.
- June 29 - Apple's new iPhone is released in the US
- July 1 - Smoking in public and work places is banned in England.
- July 1 - Smoking is banned in pubs and clubs in New South Wales and Victoria, Australia.
- July 4 - The 50-star U.S. flag becomes the longest-flying American flag, replacing the 48-star flag that flew from 1912 to 1959.
- July 7 - Live Earth Concerts are held throughout 9 major cities around the world.
- July 21 - The final epic novel in J.K. Rowling's bestselling series Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, was released selling over 8 million copies in the first 24 hours.
- July 29 - Iraq wins its first Asian Cup football championship, beating Saudi Arabia 1-0.
- August 4 - Smoking in public places is banned in Slovenia.
- August 8 - The Space Shuttle Endeavour is successfully launched on mission STS-118.
- August 12 - Tiger Woods wins PGA Championship, his 13th career major.
- August 14 - Pakistan marks the 60th anniversary of their independence from the British Empire.
- September 13 - The Burj Dubai became the world's tallest free standing structure after surpassing the CN Tower in Toronto.
- September 25 - Microsoft released Halo 3, made by Bungie 3.3 Million copies have been sold and helped sell over 500,000 Xbox360's.
- October 1 - The minimum age for purchasing tobacco products is raised from 16 to 18 across England and Wales.
- October 6 - Presidential election occurs in Pakistan.
- October 18 - After 8 years in exile, Benazir Bhutto returns to her homeland Pakistan. The same night, suicide attackers blow themselves up near Bhutto's convoy, killing 136 in the cheering crowd, including 20 police officers. Bhutto escaped uninjured.
- October 20–November 9 - Wildfires in Southern California result in the evacuation of more than 1,000,000 people and destroying over 1,600 homes and businesses.
- October 26 - Apple Inc. launch the sixth major release of their Mac OS X operating system entitled, Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard.
- November 3 - President Pervez Musharraf declares state of emergency in Pakistan.
- November 28 - President of Pakistan Pervez Musharraf stands down as the head of the Pakistan Army and was successed by Lt. General Ashfaq Parvez Kayani.
- December 10 - Led Zeppelin reunites in London, England, for the Ahmet Ertegün tribute.
- December 15 - President of Pakistan Pervez Musharraf had lifted the State of Emergency in Pakistan.
- December 27 - Former Pakistani prime minister Benazir Bhutto is assassinated, and at least 20 others are killed by a bomb blast at an election rally in Rawalpindi.
Ongoing in 2007:
Deaths:
- January 30 - Sidney Sheldon, American author and screenwriter (b. 1917)
- December 27 - Benazir Bhutto, Pakistani politician (b. 1953)
Dec 13, 2007
Living with a 100 guitars as background music.
(97th Post) and just in time. This is the dawning of a new era, yet again.
So, I've been pondering over human nature yet again. And one thing, I realized, is that people fail to recognize the fact; that you should NOT act smarter than you actually are. Swallow only as much as you can fuckin' chew.
And yet, you'll find people coming up to you, and pushing you. Do not push me, if you expect me not to push back. Because when you're pushed for a sufficient amount of time, you just push back a lot harder. Emphasis on "a lot".
I thought life was a bitch. Then, I met another one. "Fell in love". Got played. Sat down, smoked up, got sad. But as my namesake suggest, quicksilver 'needs' to change. And change is good. Apparently, not for everyone, though .. (can't resist not laughing right now)
All this might be coming from my head, and not from my heart. But then again, I've gone wrong listening to that particular organ in the past, But Never Again.
Even though I feel like crap, all I need to make it all better is the fact that isn't worth it. Saying that doesn't bring out the sunshine either ... but it's the first step, isn't it? There has to be some silverlining to this ... right? Aah, ever the optimistic one.
Let's see ... I realized how true "what goes around, comes around" is ... I've learned females can be bitches. It's true ladies, don't get all feminist on me ... some of you out there Just Might Not Be ... but then again, a lot of you are. Sorry to say.
As you can probably see by now, I'm not a gardener, and I don't like hoes.
I've also come to an intense hate relationship with the hell-hole called New York. Sorry, people from New York, but your I *heart* NY campaign is a load of horse crap. You may think you're better than the rest of the world, with your lattes' and your coffee shops ... your Jesus Christ Posed celebrities, and holier than thou attitudes. But face it... look around you. Stand at a bus stop, and observe. Get back at me ... hate me back. But remember, freedom of speech, free country? 'Nuff Said.
Out of context, here's a trippy moment I would just like to publish on the internet, to remember it later on:
[z] says:
beta kon sa model hai
[z] says:
90
... QuickSilver says:
hahahaha
[z] says:
kya
[z] says:
2222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222
... QuickSilver says:
hahahaha
... QuickSilver says:
hahaha
... QuickSilver says:
hahahah
ps: yes, we were stoned.
So, I've been pondering over human nature yet again. And one thing, I realized, is that people fail to recognize the fact; that you should NOT act smarter than you actually are. Swallow only as much as you can fuckin' chew.
And yet, you'll find people coming up to you, and pushing you. Do not push me, if you expect me not to push back. Because when you're pushed for a sufficient amount of time, you just push back a lot harder. Emphasis on "a lot".
I thought life was a bitch. Then, I met another one. "Fell in love". Got played. Sat down, smoked up, got sad. But as my namesake suggest, quicksilver 'needs' to change. And change is good. Apparently, not for everyone, though .. (can't resist not laughing right now)
All this might be coming from my head, and not from my heart. But then again, I've gone wrong listening to that particular organ in the past, But Never Again.
Even though I feel like crap, all I need to make it all better is the fact that isn't worth it. Saying that doesn't bring out the sunshine either ... but it's the first step, isn't it? There has to be some silverlining to this ... right? Aah, ever the optimistic one.
Let's see ... I realized how true "what goes around, comes around" is ... I've learned females can be bitches. It's true ladies, don't get all feminist on me ... some of you out there Just Might Not Be ... but then again, a lot of you are. Sorry to say.
As you can probably see by now, I'm not a gardener, and I don't like hoes.
I've also come to an intense hate relationship with the hell-hole called New York. Sorry, people from New York, but your I *heart* NY campaign is a load of horse crap. You may think you're better than the rest of the world, with your lattes' and your coffee shops ... your Jesus Christ Posed celebrities, and holier than thou attitudes. But face it... look around you. Stand at a bus stop, and observe. Get back at me ... hate me back. But remember, freedom of speech, free country? 'Nuff Said.
Out of context, here's a trippy moment I would just like to publish on the internet, to remember it later on:
[z] says:
beta kon sa model hai
[z] says:
90
... QuickSilver says:
hahahaha
[z] says:
kya
[z] says:
2222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222
... QuickSilver says:
hahahaha
... QuickSilver says:
hahaha
... QuickSilver says:
hahahah
ps: yes, we were stoned.
Nov 25, 2007
The Emo Post.
So I've been wondering for a little time now, what the fuck "Emo" is.
I wear black all the time. I listen to death metal, and heavy metal, and screaming and shouting. I write poetry too. I do not, however, cut myself or cry because of how no one understands me.
Yesterday, I came across this website called "Emo Corner - The Emo kid hideout"
Why is it called a hideout? Well, judging by the number of people that would love to give emo kids something to cry about, I do think they need to go into hiding.
The website, (which can be found at www.emo-corner.com) is apparently a cheap, crap-design website, most probably run by 14-15 year olds. And if they're not 14-15 they should really re-think designing websites.
So, the website has 'cool emo hairstyles' and 'dressing sense'. But I don't get it. It's just messed up hairstyles, with a lot of shitty piercing. And emo guys just wear female jeans. And then, of course, there are the color combinations. Black and pink. Black and red. Black and ... white. Why black? Apparently "Emo" is short for Emotional. So, duh. Black has always been associated with mourning, hasn't it? But in that context, shouldn't it be parents of emo kids that should be wearing black?
Anyhow, According to the website, Emo is:
http://www.emo-corner.com/what-is-emo/
No, I'm not going to write that crap here. Go read it on the bloody website.
Ok, taking a break. People, I am all about freedom of speech. I am all about, letting the world be and not giving a crap myself. But, come on now. How can you not poke fun at something so ridiculous?
Getting back on topic, here are a few pictures I found, that poke fun at Emos. There was a lot harsher material, and that would be piercing, not poking, and that is why I'm not putting it up.
How harsh? One picture said "Emo kid! Go kill yourself."
Here are my personal favorites though:
Do you know any emo kids? Please tell them to pay this blog a visit and look at these images. Maybe that'll cheer them up. If not, they can always cry and write crappy poetry, right?
What do I think emo is? A reason for guys to dress up as girls.
Emo Kids! Cheer The Fuck Up!!
I wear black all the time. I listen to death metal, and heavy metal, and screaming and shouting. I write poetry too. I do not, however, cut myself or cry because of how no one understands me.
Yesterday, I came across this website called "Emo Corner - The Emo kid hideout"
Why is it called a hideout? Well, judging by the number of people that would love to give emo kids something to cry about, I do think they need to go into hiding.
The website, (which can be found at www.emo-corner.com) is apparently a cheap, crap-design website, most probably run by 14-15 year olds. And if they're not 14-15 they should really re-think designing websites.
So, the website has 'cool emo hairstyles' and 'dressing sense'. But I don't get it. It's just messed up hairstyles, with a lot of shitty piercing. And emo guys just wear female jeans. And then, of course, there are the color combinations. Black and pink. Black and red. Black and ... white. Why black? Apparently "Emo" is short for Emotional. So, duh. Black has always been associated with mourning, hasn't it? But in that context, shouldn't it be parents of emo kids that should be wearing black?
Anyhow, According to the website, Emo is:
http://www.emo-corner.com/what-is-emo/
No, I'm not going to write that crap here. Go read it on the bloody website.
Ok, taking a break. People, I am all about freedom of speech. I am all about, letting the world be and not giving a crap myself. But, come on now. How can you not poke fun at something so ridiculous?
Getting back on topic, here are a few pictures I found, that poke fun at Emos. There was a lot harsher material, and that would be piercing, not poking, and that is why I'm not putting it up.
How harsh? One picture said "Emo kid! Go kill yourself."
Here are my personal favorites though:
Do you know any emo kids? Please tell them to pay this blog a visit and look at these images. Maybe that'll cheer them up. If not, they can always cry and write crappy poetry, right?What do I think emo is? A reason for guys to dress up as girls.
Emo Kids! Cheer The Fuck Up!!
Nov 12, 2007
Nov 3, 2007
My Dreams of Anger
I had a very weird dream, in the sleep which I woke up from like 10 minutes ago.
In the dream, I was with my friends and we were at this place which was kind of like the edge of the world (with respect to the fact that we couldn't see anything beyond there. It was all dark) but we were still in Riyadh (somehow you always know in a dream, where you really are).
And out of nowhere, these tidal waves started to appear, and I just ran over them ... I couldn't find any better verbs to describe what actually happened, but just know that I evaded the tidal waves, like I surfed them.
And as time, the tidal waves kept getting bigger and bigger, and I kept on ''surfing" them, while all my friends kept trying to surf with me but ended up getting wet in the end.
Now, I woke up from my sleep and the dream hit me in under a minute, and I remembered every last detail. So, I was in a REM stage just before waking up, I presume.
I looked into this book I have called "The Dreams Dictionary" which is basically just that. A dictionary that describes what your dream might have meant, if you look up the meaning to the things you saw in your dream.
Here are some of the keywords I could remember and looked up:
Flood: See Deluge.
Deluge: Overwhelming business loss. Financial affairs are usually indicated by storms, rains, floods, etc.
Not satisfied, I dug deeper and looked up 'water'
Water: Water is essential in life and, therefore, inevitably has a certain importance in dreams.
Dreaming of Waves, and the ebb and flow of the tide, may represent the ebb and flow of human emotions, from negative to positive and back again.
Emotions? Anger, I'm thinking? Or Depression? After that, I decided to look up 'running' because I was literally running on top of the waves.
Running: May suggest a strong sensation of the life force within, and exuberance. Running away suggests avoidance, either of emotions, fears, or responsibilities, depending on the context of the dream.
So, Running away suggests avoidance of emotions. Depending on the context of the dream ... Water, represents the flow of human emotions. And if the water is in the form of a tidal wave, what could that mean? Anger?
I can see how that's working ... I have been really, angry lately ... and I've been, trying to keep in under the hood ... clearly, my anger wants out ...
Changing lanes ... can there seriously, be any good out of thinking so much?
I was observing human nature today right before my IELTS exam. The invigilator was giving out the candidates instructions and I should've been listening to him, but thanks to my very short attention span (if you lose my interest, I'm sorry, but you're boring and you can't have it back until you set yourself on fire or juggle knives) my mind wandered off. How could it not? So many people in one room, of varying mentalities and age, and I not try to look how they go on about lives? Not entirely possible.
So the first thing I noticed was, no one was looking around. I was the only one trying to study all those present, like they were hamsters or guinea pigs. No respect to my fellow human kind, of course, I'm just really good with metaphors.
The second thing I noticed was, as soon as the invigilator said "There will be no breaks and you can't step out in the duration of the test in any circumstance, I noticed the eyes of each candidate started shifting around, and most of them, if not all, become restless.
Aah, human nature. So, my theory; the restlessness came from realization of the fact that they're not in charge anymore. And that they can't even go to the bathrooms if they want ... Loss of authority over own life. Of course, that'll bring restlessness. Oh, and they probably all started realizing that they suddenly have the urge to go to the bathrooms.
Also, my insomnia won't go away ... and I've noticed I've been either really angry or really sad. Those are the only two emotions my life has been running on ... where am I going wrong? =(
As far as my exam is concerned, and how it went; it was an English exam. 'Nuff said ...
In the dream, I was with my friends and we were at this place which was kind of like the edge of the world (with respect to the fact that we couldn't see anything beyond there. It was all dark) but we were still in Riyadh (somehow you always know in a dream, where you really are).
And out of nowhere, these tidal waves started to appear, and I just ran over them ... I couldn't find any better verbs to describe what actually happened, but just know that I evaded the tidal waves, like I surfed them.
And as time, the tidal waves kept getting bigger and bigger, and I kept on ''surfing" them, while all my friends kept trying to surf with me but ended up getting wet in the end.
Now, I woke up from my sleep and the dream hit me in under a minute, and I remembered every last detail. So, I was in a REM stage just before waking up, I presume.
I looked into this book I have called "The Dreams Dictionary" which is basically just that. A dictionary that describes what your dream might have meant, if you look up the meaning to the things you saw in your dream.
Here are some of the keywords I could remember and looked up:
Flood: See Deluge.
Deluge: Overwhelming business loss. Financial affairs are usually indicated by storms, rains, floods, etc.
Not satisfied, I dug deeper and looked up 'water'
Water: Water is essential in life and, therefore, inevitably has a certain importance in dreams.
Dreaming of Waves, and the ebb and flow of the tide, may represent the ebb and flow of human emotions, from negative to positive and back again.
Emotions? Anger, I'm thinking? Or Depression? After that, I decided to look up 'running' because I was literally running on top of the waves.
Running: May suggest a strong sensation of the life force within, and exuberance. Running away suggests avoidance, either of emotions, fears, or responsibilities, depending on the context of the dream.
So, Running away suggests avoidance of emotions. Depending on the context of the dream ... Water, represents the flow of human emotions. And if the water is in the form of a tidal wave, what could that mean? Anger?
I can see how that's working ... I have been really, angry lately ... and I've been, trying to keep in under the hood ... clearly, my anger wants out ...
Changing lanes ... can there seriously, be any good out of thinking so much?
I was observing human nature today right before my IELTS exam. The invigilator was giving out the candidates instructions and I should've been listening to him, but thanks to my very short attention span (if you lose my interest, I'm sorry, but you're boring and you can't have it back until you set yourself on fire or juggle knives) my mind wandered off. How could it not? So many people in one room, of varying mentalities and age, and I not try to look how they go on about lives? Not entirely possible.
So the first thing I noticed was, no one was looking around. I was the only one trying to study all those present, like they were hamsters or guinea pigs. No respect to my fellow human kind, of course, I'm just really good with metaphors.
The second thing I noticed was, as soon as the invigilator said "There will be no breaks and you can't step out in the duration of the test in any circumstance, I noticed the eyes of each candidate started shifting around, and most of them, if not all, become restless.
Aah, human nature. So, my theory; the restlessness came from realization of the fact that they're not in charge anymore. And that they can't even go to the bathrooms if they want ... Loss of authority over own life. Of course, that'll bring restlessness. Oh, and they probably all started realizing that they suddenly have the urge to go to the bathrooms.
Also, my insomnia won't go away ... and I've noticed I've been either really angry or really sad. Those are the only two emotions my life has been running on ... where am I going wrong? =(
As far as my exam is concerned, and how it went; it was an English exam. 'Nuff said ...
Oct 29, 2007
Yield Fucking Limit
Ok, so, the thing with this post here is ... let me mention first that this is the 91st post! Yes, almost a 100 posts! woohoo! ... yeah, the thing with this post is that I really have nothing to talk about, but I need to blow off a LOT of steam and let a LOT out of my system. And so, I'm going to write whatever comes to my head first.
Let's start with Karma. It is a bitch. And I mean, not just a bitch, it can really, really, rip you apart. It's the part of revenge, that is actually "involuntary" if you may.
You wanna rip someone apart? Sit back, relax, have some pop-corn maybe, be nice instead. And in a few days? Watch karma go medievil on that unlucky bastard's ass.
Woohoo, profanity. What would we be without it?
Next, I want to mention Guilt. If karma is a bitch? Guilt is a somabitch. YES. Guilt! It can make you want to jump off a cliff, set yourself on fire, chop yourself into pieces? And not even necessarily kill yourself in the process.
Ok, here's a thought. Whenever someone is guilty, they'll tell you they want to do something horrible to themselves. How many people have you seen that actually want to kill themselves?
Next time you run into a smartass, that keeps on telling you how guilty they are, and how they could just kill themselves? You should go like:
"Oh sure. I'd do it for you, but I don't really want blood on my hands. I'll tell you what though..."
and hand them a fucking map to the nearest fucking cliff.
You must be thinking. "What's up his ass? Why is he in such a bad mood?"
Well, I'll tell you. Remember that post? About being pushed too far? Well guess what.
Yield fucking limit. And glad to be free.
One more thing. Someone, just made it their priority to tell me no one reads my blog. Well, I don't really fucking care. As you can probably see by now? This post doesn't even make a lot of sense. But it made me a lot happier than I was like a couple of minutes ago. Do YOU have anything better?
Let's start with Karma. It is a bitch. And I mean, not just a bitch, it can really, really, rip you apart. It's the part of revenge, that is actually "involuntary" if you may.
You wanna rip someone apart? Sit back, relax, have some pop-corn maybe, be nice instead. And in a few days? Watch karma go medievil on that unlucky bastard's ass.
Woohoo, profanity. What would we be without it?
Next, I want to mention Guilt. If karma is a bitch? Guilt is a somabitch. YES. Guilt! It can make you want to jump off a cliff, set yourself on fire, chop yourself into pieces? And not even necessarily kill yourself in the process.
Ok, here's a thought. Whenever someone is guilty, they'll tell you they want to do something horrible to themselves. How many people have you seen that actually want to kill themselves?
Next time you run into a smartass, that keeps on telling you how guilty they are, and how they could just kill themselves? You should go like:
"Oh sure. I'd do it for you, but I don't really want blood on my hands. I'll tell you what though..."
and hand them a fucking map to the nearest fucking cliff.
You must be thinking. "What's up his ass? Why is he in such a bad mood?"
Well, I'll tell you. Remember that post? About being pushed too far? Well guess what.
Yield fucking limit. And glad to be free.
One more thing. Someone, just made it their priority to tell me no one reads my blog. Well, I don't really fucking care. As you can probably see by now? This post doesn't even make a lot of sense. But it made me a lot happier than I was like a couple of minutes ago. Do YOU have anything better?
Oct 27, 2007
Boredom-ness
I've been trying to reach a decision in the past 10 minutes.
Do I get up and sit straight on my chair or not?
That's how bored and lazy I am right now ... I've been stuck at home all day, in a complete state of no worry, and it's almost like house arrest.
I put my head back a while ago and looked around at my room. Have you ever noticed? It's like being inside a box. Go to one of the walls and look around at all four walls, and the roof right now.
It IS like being inside a box.
And that thought made me want to go out so bad, but due to some weird parental insecurities (from my parents) and irony being a bitch, I couldn't. So here I am, sitting on the computer, writing about how sucky life is again.
If you're here reading this right now, know that you're having more fun reading this than I was having writing this... ooh, thanks for reading by the way :)
Do I get up and sit straight on my chair or not?
That's how bored and lazy I am right now ... I've been stuck at home all day, in a complete state of no worry, and it's almost like house arrest.
I put my head back a while ago and looked around at my room. Have you ever noticed? It's like being inside a box. Go to one of the walls and look around at all four walls, and the roof right now.
It IS like being inside a box.
And that thought made me want to go out so bad, but due to some weird parental insecurities (from my parents) and irony being a bitch, I couldn't. So here I am, sitting on the computer, writing about how sucky life is again.
If you're here reading this right now, know that you're having more fun reading this than I was having writing this... ooh, thanks for reading by the way :)
Oct 20, 2007
Spare Me The Details ...
I don't even need to look for words anymore. I have songs that relate to me, instead.
It's Amazing how you can relate to songs so clearly. You almost feel pity for the people that don't get what a song is about ... go get your girlfriends to play you, so you can get what the following songs are about. It's not worth it, but you'll see what you're missing.
Nymphetamine - by Cradle Of Filth.
The title is a portmanteau of "nymphomaniac" and "amphetamine", and Dani Filth explained the track itself as referring to "a drug-like addiction to the woman in question, with her insidious vampyre qualities literally bringing her lover back from the brink of the spiritual grave, only to bury him further on the strength of a whim. The album is written in the style of Edgar Allan Poe's works, and leaves one thinking that, despite the character's inner agonies, he is really a welcome submissive who readily enjoys the terrible highs and lows of his relationship with this alluring and filthy, depreciative succubus.
Offspring - Spare Me The Details
My girlfriend, my dumb donut
Went out to a party just the other night
But three hours later and seven shots of jäger,
She was in the bedroom with another guy
And I don't really wanna know
So don't tell me anymore
And I really don't wanna hear
About her feet all up in the air
And well, I'm not the one who acted like a hoe
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time
So spare me the details, if you don't mind
Now I can understand friends who wanna tell me
Think they're gonna help me open up my eyes
But the play-by-play makes me want to lose it
Everytime you do it, man, it turns the knife
And I don't really wanna know
So don't tell me anymore
And i really don't wanna hear
About her feet all up in the air
And well, I'm not the one who acted like a hoe
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time
So spare me the details, if you don't mind
Now I don't need to hear about the sounds they were making
And I don't need to hear about how long it was taking
Or how the walls, they were shaking
Now I'm lying in bed, wallowing in sorrow
Missing the tomorrow that we could have had
Running through my head, over and over
Things I never told her now just make me sad
And it drives me insane, sitting with a vision
Stuck with that image burned into my brain
And I feel so dumb that I could ever trust her
While someone else fucked her, then walked away
And I don't really wanna know
So don't tell me anymore
And I really don't wanna hear
About her feet all up in the air
And so, I'm not the one who acted like a hoe
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time
So spare me the details, if you don't mind
(Cause I don't wanna know)
(Don't wanna know) Spare me the details if you don't mind
(Don't wanna know)
(Don't wanna know) Spare me the details if you don't mind
Audioslave - What You Are
And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave
(chorus)
Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are
And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you'll find another slave
(chorus)
Cause now I'm free from
What you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are
Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more...
It's Amazing how you can relate to songs so clearly. You almost feel pity for the people that don't get what a song is about ... go get your girlfriends to play you, so you can get what the following songs are about. It's not worth it, but you'll see what you're missing.
Nymphetamine - by Cradle Of Filth.
The title is a portmanteau of "nymphomaniac" and "amphetamine", and Dani Filth explained the track itself as referring to "a drug-like addiction to the woman in question, with her insidious vampyre qualities literally bringing her lover back from the brink of the spiritual grave, only to bury him further on the strength of a whim. The album is written in the style of Edgar Allan Poe's works, and leaves one thinking that, despite the character's inner agonies, he is really a welcome submissive who readily enjoys the terrible highs and lows of his relationship with this alluring and filthy, depreciative succubus.
Offspring - Spare Me The Details
My girlfriend, my dumb donut
Went out to a party just the other night
But three hours later and seven shots of jäger,
She was in the bedroom with another guy
And I don't really wanna know
So don't tell me anymore
And I really don't wanna hear
About her feet all up in the air
And well, I'm not the one who acted like a hoe
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time
So spare me the details, if you don't mind
Now I can understand friends who wanna tell me
Think they're gonna help me open up my eyes
But the play-by-play makes me want to lose it
Everytime you do it, man, it turns the knife
And I don't really wanna know
So don't tell me anymore
And i really don't wanna hear
About her feet all up in the air
And well, I'm not the one who acted like a hoe
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time
So spare me the details, if you don't mind
Now I don't need to hear about the sounds they were making
And I don't need to hear about how long it was taking
Or how the walls, they were shaking
Now I'm lying in bed, wallowing in sorrow
Missing the tomorrow that we could have had
Running through my head, over and over
Things I never told her now just make me sad
And it drives me insane, sitting with a vision
Stuck with that image burned into my brain
And I feel so dumb that I could ever trust her
While someone else fucked her, then walked away
And I don't really wanna know
So don't tell me anymore
And I really don't wanna hear
About her feet all up in the air
And so, I'm not the one who acted like a hoe
Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time
So spare me the details, if you don't mind
(Cause I don't wanna know)
(Don't wanna know) Spare me the details if you don't mind
(Don't wanna know)
(Don't wanna know) Spare me the details if you don't mind
Linkin Park - In The End
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing, I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing, I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Audioslave - What You Are
And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave
(chorus)
Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are
And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you'll find another slave
(chorus)
Cause now I'm free from
What you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are
Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more...
Oct 9, 2007
Ataraxia
Sanity is overrated. And so is Happiness. The latter, because it really doesn't last as long as it should. Ever.
But that's just the beauty of it. You never want it to end.
Lately, I've been feeling completely Ataraxic. Free from worry. Complete Hedona.
In fact, if it wasn't for my creative drive, I'd not be here writing on my blog right now. But, I just felt like making a little sense and venting out some creativity and here I am.
Lately, I've been having tears form in the corner of my eyes for no reason at all. Is that my body telling me my soul's breaking apart? Maybe it is. The side-effect of thinking I can live long with my Devil May Care attitude.
If Ataraxia is a gift, I want to feel blessed.
But all I feel is burdened ...
To fall apart and just let it all out of my system. But falling apart is not an option I'm leaving open anymore, and therefore I'm going to see how long I can take this.
I haven't been eating and I haven't been getting any sleep even if I 'sleep' for around 10 hours. Eating Disorders and Sleeping Disorders. Just what I needed.
It seems that my life revolves around these, disorders, you may almost feel that I'm making things up as the world spins. But seriously; I think I would know.
Yesterday I had another manic attack and I ticked my friends off ...
All this insanity better be worth it.
But that's just the beauty of it. You never want it to end.
Lately, I've been feeling completely Ataraxic. Free from worry. Complete Hedona.
In fact, if it wasn't for my creative drive, I'd not be here writing on my blog right now. But, I just felt like making a little sense and venting out some creativity and here I am.
Lately, I've been having tears form in the corner of my eyes for no reason at all. Is that my body telling me my soul's breaking apart? Maybe it is. The side-effect of thinking I can live long with my Devil May Care attitude.
If Ataraxia is a gift, I want to feel blessed.
But all I feel is burdened ...
To fall apart and just let it all out of my system. But falling apart is not an option I'm leaving open anymore, and therefore I'm going to see how long I can take this.
I haven't been eating and I haven't been getting any sleep even if I 'sleep' for around 10 hours. Eating Disorders and Sleeping Disorders. Just what I needed.
It seems that my life revolves around these, disorders, you may almost feel that I'm making things up as the world spins. But seriously; I think I would know.
Yesterday I had another manic attack and I ticked my friends off ...
All this insanity better be worth it.
Sep 26, 2007
This Fire Burns
You can only be backed into a corner so far down, before you decide you want to push back at the world.
How long does it take for a match stick to break in your hands when you apply a force to it? Not very long.
This is different though. The day I start reconsidering myself as a match stick, I know I've gone down again. There's no turning back.
So I sat in the dark, hating myself and hating everything. But this hate wasn't working. This hate was aimed at myself. Redirected to myself.
But now I see the light. You can only hate yourself for so long. Channel your hate into a rage, and unleash it. There is no satisfaction like the satisfaction of breaking free.
And I'm there now. I'm free from guilt, I'm free from sadness/depression/melancholia. None of this is my fault ... not any more anyway.
This Fire Burns.
Backed into a corner
with no where to go
there used to be a man here
who suffered fate's blow
no longer does he live
drowned in a pool of loss
no longer is he saddened
anger is his only thought
no longer does he feel sorry
or sad because of fate
The only thing left standing
is the fire of hate
----
"There are two sides to anger. On one hand it can be the cause of tremendous pain and suffering. It can turn into hatred or violence in the blink of an eye and destroy everything we love and care about, or it can turn inward and become bitterness and despair. The later of course just eats us up from the inside until we break down or break apart."
Don't accept sympathy. No more excuses.Vent your anger with compassion.Do nothing with your anger for 24 hours.
Am I happy? Yes.
There's always a price though... I might end up hurting people. But what the hell, I'm tired of hurting myself for so long. I've given away enough chances...
Am I falling into pieces? No. I'm just rising from the ashes in a bright fire. I'm a pheonix.
How long does it take for a match stick to break in your hands when you apply a force to it? Not very long.
This is different though. The day I start reconsidering myself as a match stick, I know I've gone down again. There's no turning back.
So I sat in the dark, hating myself and hating everything. But this hate wasn't working. This hate was aimed at myself. Redirected to myself.
But now I see the light. You can only hate yourself for so long. Channel your hate into a rage, and unleash it. There is no satisfaction like the satisfaction of breaking free.
And I'm there now. I'm free from guilt, I'm free from sadness/depression/melancholia. None of this is my fault ... not any more anyway.
This Fire Burns.
Backed into a corner
with no where to go
there used to be a man here
who suffered fate's blow
no longer does he live
drowned in a pool of loss
no longer is he saddened
anger is his only thought
no longer does he feel sorry
or sad because of fate
The only thing left standing
is the fire of hate
----
"There are two sides to anger. On one hand it can be the cause of tremendous pain and suffering. It can turn into hatred or violence in the blink of an eye and destroy everything we love and care about, or it can turn inward and become bitterness and despair. The later of course just eats us up from the inside until we break down or break apart."
Don't accept sympathy. No more excuses.Vent your anger with compassion.Do nothing with your anger for 24 hours.
Am I happy? Yes.
There's always a price though... I might end up hurting people. But what the hell, I'm tired of hurting myself for so long. I've given away enough chances...
Am I falling into pieces? No. I'm just rising from the ashes in a bright fire. I'm a pheonix.
Sep 20, 2007
Train of Thoughts
I was wondering if I would come across any more proof of Insanity ... or just Bipolar Disorder, for now ...
Here's a concept I termed "Train Of Thoughts"
Your head gets filled with so many ideas, all at once (or sometimes, just one) and you start thinking about that idea, or ideas, so fast that you lose focus over real time (of what's going on around you) . It's a symptom of Bipolar II.
It's like a runaway train of thoughts ... am I making sense yet?
Let me share an experience with you.
A few days ago, I was with my family. When I started thinking about having a fight =\
Yeah ... I do not know where that thought came to my head from ...
No, wait ... *sigh* I know exactly why I felt that way ... I'm not going to disclose why, it's personal and something I haven't shared for 19 years now ... and that's how it's staying.
So yeah, I wanted to blow open someone's head, and see their blood spattered on the wall.
Lol, I'm just kidding ... about the splattered blood and all ... got ya though, didn't I?
It's happening right now as I type... Euphoria and something I like to call "Sugar Rush" ... (one of the symptoms of Bipolar ... bla bla)
Getting back to topic, I was walking with my parents when that thought hit me. And I got sooo into it, I actually saw it flash in front of my eyes. The scenario with a stranger where I smash his skull into a wall, and so on.
Before I realized it, I was walking a metre away from my parents, and hadn't realized it. I hadn't noticed that I'd starting walking a lot faster, and when I came back from my thought, I had no idea how I got there, or why. It felt like waking up from a dream and finding yourself standing in a crowd.
Yeah, that is exactly how it felt.
I've been having recurring thoughts of childhood ... all bad things, yes. Things I'm not very happy about, yes. Family and people close to me might know what I'm talking about. It's the thing I blame my bipolar disorder on ... and there's more, yes.
Sidetracking, it's ironic how sometimes I ask a chat bot on msn my horoscope, and he almost nails it right, too:
gemini horoscope for friday, september 21st, 2007:
Here's a concept I termed "Train Of Thoughts"
Your head gets filled with so many ideas, all at once (or sometimes, just one) and you start thinking about that idea, or ideas, so fast that you lose focus over real time (of what's going on around you) . It's a symptom of Bipolar II.
It's like a runaway train of thoughts ... am I making sense yet?
Let me share an experience with you.
A few days ago, I was with my family. When I started thinking about having a fight =\
Yeah ... I do not know where that thought came to my head from ...
No, wait ... *sigh* I know exactly why I felt that way ... I'm not going to disclose why, it's personal and something I haven't shared for 19 years now ... and that's how it's staying.
So yeah, I wanted to blow open someone's head, and see their blood spattered on the wall.
Lol, I'm just kidding ... about the splattered blood and all ... got ya though, didn't I?
It's happening right now as I type... Euphoria and something I like to call "Sugar Rush" ... (one of the symptoms of Bipolar ... bla bla)
Getting back to topic, I was walking with my parents when that thought hit me. And I got sooo into it, I actually saw it flash in front of my eyes. The scenario with a stranger where I smash his skull into a wall, and so on.
Before I realized it, I was walking a metre away from my parents, and hadn't realized it. I hadn't noticed that I'd starting walking a lot faster, and when I came back from my thought, I had no idea how I got there, or why. It felt like waking up from a dream and finding yourself standing in a crowd.
Yeah, that is exactly how it felt.
I've been having recurring thoughts of childhood ... all bad things, yes. Things I'm not very happy about, yes. Family and people close to me might know what I'm talking about. It's the thing I blame my bipolar disorder on ... and there's more, yes.
Sidetracking, it's ironic how sometimes I ask a chat bot on msn my horoscope, and he almost nails it right, too:
gemini horoscope for friday, september 21st, 2007:
" If things get too hard for you, dear Gemini, are you open to seeking out some counseling? Don't let pride or embarrassment get in the way of getting the support you need in your life when things get to be too much. Ever look in the yellow pages under this category? There are literally thousands available. This is because there's a great demand for these services! You're not alone and the sooner you take care of yourself, the quicker you'll get back on the right track. "
There's a "right track"?
Horoscope. Just the kind of faux wisdom/vague prophecy that I needed.
Sep 2, 2007
"Twisted Nerve"
There comes a time in every dude's life when he has to stop being about all fun and games and start thinking about life.
About where it's taking them. Whether they want to be pulled on a leash, or take charge of it.
Good God, who knew the leash was to a runaway train on fire?
Here's a theory by yours truly.
The longer you delay on taking charge of the leash, it keeps on stacking up. Until one day, you realize, the cute puppy at the end of the leash has turned into a run away train. And it's lit up like a christmas tree, complete with it's own bonfire.
It hits you like a brick. Square in the chest.
What have I been doing?
Personally, I've never taken anything seriously ... I liked to think of it as Ataraxia. The greek term, meaning complete freedom from worry. Nirvana, if you may. The creame a'la creame of all pleasures... nothing to think about.
God knows how wrong I was ...
Take this line from "machiavellianism" which relates to me on a whole new level now:
"My End, Justifies my Means ... All I Ever Do Is Delay ..."
All I ever did was delay.
The plane is still on the runaway, awaiting take off, and I'm already gulping down martinis. Maybe I'm just worrying too much ... it can't be too bad, right?
Right ... Being a control freak, the perfect nightmare is to realize that you have no control.
And I'm a Control Freak ...
Freaked out, apparently, because I have to;
1. Look for a Job, to prove a point to my parents. And probably myself.
2. Give a Microsoft Exam ... and actually study for it. Please God, give me the willpower to ...
3. Start figuring out where I'm going with all of this ...
4. Get back in control. Be content with life once again.
It's all happening so fast ... really, really fast ... someone pull the damn chain on this thing, please.
I actually have to give a thought to forming a band with my friends ... I never thought I'd have to actually think about a decision like this ... this is, what I would've said yes to on the spot, a few days ago. And now there's so much to do, I don't know how to go on about it and get things done ...
Maybe I'm just stressing too much. I actually turn my room upside down, only because I can't find my set of keys ... I end up breaking things, and making a mess, and the sense of relief I get when I do find what I'm looking for : That's Nirvana on earth for me.
So maybe I should just relax ... the universe will unfold itself, right? It actually feels good to think that way, to write it down ... to try, to assure myself that I'm right.
I wish I still had that inside me ... not giving a shit. But something tells me this is bigger. Something tells me I owe this to Myself, most importantly.
About where it's taking them. Whether they want to be pulled on a leash, or take charge of it.
Good God, who knew the leash was to a runaway train on fire?
Here's a theory by yours truly.
The longer you delay on taking charge of the leash, it keeps on stacking up. Until one day, you realize, the cute puppy at the end of the leash has turned into a run away train. And it's lit up like a christmas tree, complete with it's own bonfire.
It hits you like a brick. Square in the chest.
What have I been doing?
Personally, I've never taken anything seriously ... I liked to think of it as Ataraxia. The greek term, meaning complete freedom from worry. Nirvana, if you may. The creame a'la creame of all pleasures... nothing to think about.
God knows how wrong I was ...
Take this line from "machiavellianism" which relates to me on a whole new level now:
"My End, Justifies my Means ... All I Ever Do Is Delay ..."
All I ever did was delay.
The plane is still on the runaway, awaiting take off, and I'm already gulping down martinis. Maybe I'm just worrying too much ... it can't be too bad, right?
Right ... Being a control freak, the perfect nightmare is to realize that you have no control.
And I'm a Control Freak ...
Freaked out, apparently, because I have to;
1. Look for a Job, to prove a point to my parents. And probably myself.
2. Give a Microsoft Exam ... and actually study for it. Please God, give me the willpower to ...
3. Start figuring out where I'm going with all of this ...
4. Get back in control. Be content with life once again.
It's all happening so fast ... really, really fast ... someone pull the damn chain on this thing, please.
I actually have to give a thought to forming a band with my friends ... I never thought I'd have to actually think about a decision like this ... this is, what I would've said yes to on the spot, a few days ago. And now there's so much to do, I don't know how to go on about it and get things done ...
Maybe I'm just stressing too much. I actually turn my room upside down, only because I can't find my set of keys ... I end up breaking things, and making a mess, and the sense of relief I get when I do find what I'm looking for : That's Nirvana on earth for me.
So maybe I should just relax ... the universe will unfold itself, right? It actually feels good to think that way, to write it down ... to try, to assure myself that I'm right.
I wish I still had that inside me ... not giving a shit. But something tells me this is bigger. Something tells me I owe this to Myself, most importantly.
"Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is spiritual.
Our depression is our lives."- Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club.
Aug 31, 2007
The Stir
Me and Saad were talking some time ago, and Saad said "Dude, we really need a stir in our lives"
I don't know if this is what he was talking about, but if I were to file today into the records, this would definately classify as a stir.
So Me, Sam and Saad "xt" decided to go to our hangout spot which we call "The Cliff"
But since the cliff was already occupied by a hound of dogs with gleaming eyes, we decided to explore another route that took us to the west side of the cliff.
We reached this place with a lot of buildings still under construction and no lights at all. We loved the spot at first sight.
Me and Saad decided to explore further, and climbed on top of one of the incomplete buildings, or just the exoskeleton of the building, and went up to what looked like the "roof".
Sam was a bit reluctant, but he joined a while later and we sat up on the roof, looking up at the stars and the flying clouds above. It was pretttyy o_o
So after we were done with our "meal" we decided to head back home at around 11.30. BUT, Since I didn't feel like going back home, we agreed on dropping off Saad home and going to sam's place, where he would arrive in his car.
So we did just that, and Saad came up to sam's place in about 20 minutes. Sam couldn't come so we bid farewell and embarked on our ''journey''
We were still near civilization when I got the though of playing pool, but for some reason I didn't say it out loud and me and Saad agreed on going back to the "Ghost Town" ... yes, that's what we called the place. Since there was no civilization for at least a mile's radius.
Earlier when we were going back home with Sam, at the exit to the 'farmlands' we almost ran over a black cat. We stopped a few feet further and looked back to see the cat still alive and crossing the road.
When me and Saad arrived at the same spot at around 12.00, the cat just sat at the entrance, as if waiting for us.
We followed the path to the Ghost Town when we came to an intersection. And as cliche' as this sounds the only street light at the cross section turned off as soon as we reached it...
ME: "Lol, saad, this is almost like something wants us to come back to the Ghost Town ..."
xt: "Yeahhhh, I'm getting that too"
We entered, and decided to take a different path to a different set of incomplete buildings. But, that wasn't going to happen, as Saad's car started to get trapped under the sand. So we just decided to go back to the previous Ghost Town.
We reached the ghost town, and strangely, it seemed a lot darker than before. And the time was clocked at around 12.00 too.
So we got off, but I seriously didn't want to climb any roofs anymore. I was freaked out, and you can't blame me. You haven't seen "The Cliff" ...
So Saad, being the baaastard that he is :p .. decided to go off exploring. At first we just stopped the car in the middle like before and sat down to listen to the "Sounds Of The City"
But we heard more than we wanted to. We actually heard footsteps. Now, that freaked us out. I got in the car and xt was behind me, when the smartass actually stopped to listen to more.
We stood there for like a minute when Saad said:
"Dude, I feel like something just went around me ..."
Me:
"Er, riight, can we get out of here??"
But that's not exactly what Saad had in mind ... he started going back towards the house we were sitting on earlier, and I wasn't about to stay in the car =\
I opened the door, and kept it open, and ran towards saad.
Me:
"Dude, where the fuck are you going?"
Saad:
"I want too see what that sound was ..."
Me:
"What? Fuck no, let's get the fuck out of here..."
Saad:
"Hellllooooooo?"
I grabbed Saad's shirt and pulled him back
Me:
"You baaasturd, we're leaving"
We both turned around to catch the one sight that we think we'll remember forever.
No, before I tell you what we saw, keep in mind that Saad had the keys to his car in his hand. And, the car was completely turned off.
So I turn Saad around, and my gaze goes up to the car followed by Saad's
And we witness the car headlights turn on for a complete second before immaturely turning back off.
And no, nothing flashed before our eyes, because we were too fucking scared to even think.
So what did we do? We made a run for it ... we didn't think of running. We just ran.
We got in the car, and Saad actually stumbled to get it to ignition. That dude doesn't have problems starting his car when he's completely stoned!
Finally, when the car did start ... we drove the fuck out of there, and only started breathing again when we reached civilization ...
The first thing we did was to recollect the facts.
No matter what you prove, there was no way the lights could've turned on and off by themselves.
Our theory : That's how someone replied to us. When Saad felt something pass by him, the "thing" went inside the car ...
We drove all the way back to Sam's place to tell him the story first!
So we decided never to back to The Cliff or the Ghost Town ...
... yeah, right. Next sunday baby!
I don't know if this is what he was talking about, but if I were to file today into the records, this would definately classify as a stir.
So Me, Sam and Saad "xt" decided to go to our hangout spot which we call "The Cliff"
But since the cliff was already occupied by a hound of dogs with gleaming eyes, we decided to explore another route that took us to the west side of the cliff.
We reached this place with a lot of buildings still under construction and no lights at all. We loved the spot at first sight.
Me and Saad decided to explore further, and climbed on top of one of the incomplete buildings, or just the exoskeleton of the building, and went up to what looked like the "roof".
Sam was a bit reluctant, but he joined a while later and we sat up on the roof, looking up at the stars and the flying clouds above. It was pretttyy o_o
So after we were done with our "meal" we decided to head back home at around 11.30. BUT, Since I didn't feel like going back home, we agreed on dropping off Saad home and going to sam's place, where he would arrive in his car.
So we did just that, and Saad came up to sam's place in about 20 minutes. Sam couldn't come so we bid farewell and embarked on our ''journey''
We were still near civilization when I got the though of playing pool, but for some reason I didn't say it out loud and me and Saad agreed on going back to the "Ghost Town" ... yes, that's what we called the place. Since there was no civilization for at least a mile's radius.
Earlier when we were going back home with Sam, at the exit to the 'farmlands' we almost ran over a black cat. We stopped a few feet further and looked back to see the cat still alive and crossing the road.
When me and Saad arrived at the same spot at around 12.00, the cat just sat at the entrance, as if waiting for us.
We followed the path to the Ghost Town when we came to an intersection. And as cliche' as this sounds the only street light at the cross section turned off as soon as we reached it...
ME: "Lol, saad, this is almost like something wants us to come back to the Ghost Town ..."
xt: "Yeahhhh, I'm getting that too"
We entered, and decided to take a different path to a different set of incomplete buildings. But, that wasn't going to happen, as Saad's car started to get trapped under the sand. So we just decided to go back to the previous Ghost Town.
We reached the ghost town, and strangely, it seemed a lot darker than before. And the time was clocked at around 12.00 too.
So we got off, but I seriously didn't want to climb any roofs anymore. I was freaked out, and you can't blame me. You haven't seen "The Cliff" ...
So Saad, being the baaastard that he is :p .. decided to go off exploring. At first we just stopped the car in the middle like before and sat down to listen to the "Sounds Of The City"
But we heard more than we wanted to. We actually heard footsteps. Now, that freaked us out. I got in the car and xt was behind me, when the smartass actually stopped to listen to more.
We stood there for like a minute when Saad said:
"Dude, I feel like something just went around me ..."
Me:
"Er, riight, can we get out of here??"
But that's not exactly what Saad had in mind ... he started going back towards the house we were sitting on earlier, and I wasn't about to stay in the car =\
I opened the door, and kept it open, and ran towards saad.
Me:
"Dude, where the fuck are you going?"
Saad:
"I want too see what that sound was ..."
Me:
"What? Fuck no, let's get the fuck out of here..."
Saad:
"Hellllooooooo?"
I grabbed Saad's shirt and pulled him back
Me:
"You baaasturd, we're leaving"
We both turned around to catch the one sight that we think we'll remember forever.
No, before I tell you what we saw, keep in mind that Saad had the keys to his car in his hand. And, the car was completely turned off.
So I turn Saad around, and my gaze goes up to the car followed by Saad's
And we witness the car headlights turn on for a complete second before immaturely turning back off.
And no, nothing flashed before our eyes, because we were too fucking scared to even think.
So what did we do? We made a run for it ... we didn't think of running. We just ran.
We got in the car, and Saad actually stumbled to get it to ignition. That dude doesn't have problems starting his car when he's completely stoned!
Finally, when the car did start ... we drove the fuck out of there, and only started breathing again when we reached civilization ...
The first thing we did was to recollect the facts.
No matter what you prove, there was no way the lights could've turned on and off by themselves.
Our theory : That's how someone replied to us. When Saad felt something pass by him, the "thing" went inside the car ...
We drove all the way back to Sam's place to tell him the story first!
So we decided never to back to The Cliff or the Ghost Town ...
... yeah, right. Next sunday baby!
Claustrophobia ...
I've always hated claustrophobia. The fear of being trapped.
Always. Even as a child. I extremely hated it. If I had a gun, and no wisdom at all, I'd have shot myself when I was 10.
I remember getting stuck in my shirt. I remember it like yesterday; I couldn't breath at all, and got the sensation of drowning ... until my dad had to tear the shirt up to get me out.
I was alive again. For a few seconds there, I had felt like death was creeping from the shadows to shake hands with me ...
And somehow that feeling has stayed with me like a stamp on my forehead or a barcode on the back of my neck.
They say most of the shit you go through in childhood reflects in your life later.
I've grown so paranoid' of the feeling, I lose control. I'm a loose cannon, and my judgement has been shot in the head.
And everything around me bleeds when I erupt.
If you push something or someone really hard in a corner, and there's no way to come out, you end up recieving the same amount of force. If you push something until there's no place to go, it'll just push back.
There's a limit to everything. Yield Point.
The feeling of, not being in control. The feeling of being lost ... The feeling of losing it.
The feeling of no sense of direction. The feeling of ... being a puppet.
Just makes me wish I had a gun and no wisdom at all ... makes me wish I was never 10 ...
Always. Even as a child. I extremely hated it. If I had a gun, and no wisdom at all, I'd have shot myself when I was 10.
I remember getting stuck in my shirt. I remember it like yesterday; I couldn't breath at all, and got the sensation of drowning ... until my dad had to tear the shirt up to get me out.
I was alive again. For a few seconds there, I had felt like death was creeping from the shadows to shake hands with me ...
And somehow that feeling has stayed with me like a stamp on my forehead or a barcode on the back of my neck.
They say most of the shit you go through in childhood reflects in your life later.
I've grown so paranoid' of the feeling, I lose control. I'm a loose cannon, and my judgement has been shot in the head.
And everything around me bleeds when I erupt.
If you push something or someone really hard in a corner, and there's no way to come out, you end up recieving the same amount of force. If you push something until there's no place to go, it'll just push back.
There's a limit to everything. Yield Point.
The feeling of, not being in control. The feeling of being lost ... The feeling of losing it.
The feeling of no sense of direction. The feeling of ... being a puppet.
Just makes me wish I had a gun and no wisdom at all ... makes me wish I was never 10 ...
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